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  #11  
Unread 06-02-2019, 05:58 AM
Nicholas Stone's Avatar
Nicholas Stone Nicholas Stone is offline
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Thank you all for your comments - a lot to think about there. I will respond fully later today.
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  #12  
Unread 06-03-2019, 08:58 PM
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Nicholas Stone Nicholas Stone is offline
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Thanks Julie, Don, James and Ashley for your thoughts.

Julie - I wasn't going for comedy per se, more English deflation. But in either case you're right that it didn't work - thank you. I'm fairly attached to the profanity and so have retained it in one of the new revisions. I think you (and everyone else) were right that the typographic trick and thought/word/deed didn't need to be in the same poem as the second stanza, where the thought was.

Don - thanks, always glad to learn a new term, and after struggling against attachment to the first four lines I've decided you're right.

James - I'm not sure about pressure. Do you mean it needs to have more meaningful words per line in it? If so I've tried to alter the ratio a bit in Rev. 3b. I think you're right a new title may be better. It's hard to conceive of a single quatrain as a Recessional. I have considered "Pecker fortiter" but it's a bit too lighthearted perhaps.

Ashley - thanks for the Hudgins. I'd not read it but I'm glad I now have. I'm flattered to know this reminded you of that and hope a ghost of it might still linger around 3a or 3b. I agree with you about the penultimate line, to the extent that I don't really like either the adverbial adjectives or predicative delayed adjectives, depending on what you want to do with them; it's a bit of a mess, and is gone in 3b. I see what you mean about "true sins." I think it's reasonable for that to be construed as a sin reflecting a true intention. But I don't expect the idea would stand up theologically, so it's probably not worth wasting good syllables on. I've disposed of it in 3b. I don't agree with you about a last line needing to bring clarity, if I understand you correctly - muddying the waters is a reasonable way to end, isn't it?

Last edited by Nicholas Stone; 06-03-2019 at 09:01 PM.
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  #13  
Unread 06-03-2019, 10:01 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Nicholas,

I like 3a a good deal. It has an old-fashioned, almost Yeatsian feel.

Cheers,
John
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  #14  
Unread 06-03-2019, 10:47 PM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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Hi Nick,

I think you almost have it. But line three is still a crux, I think. Can you find a word other than "sinned" that means committed?

Rick
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