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  #11  
Unread 08-09-2019, 01:43 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Good morning Ashley,

And thank you for your thoughts! Glad you enjoyed the piece in general, and I've adopted your never suggestion. To my ear, the word poetry scans better than poems, and your Neruda idea raises some interesting points. First, I think it's very cute. Second, Cindy categorically doesn't like ANY poetry, that's kind of the point, and I lose that with the alternative ending. Third, the remark, while brilliant, was to my mind best said in the VP debate of 1988 by Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senato...o_Jack_Kennedy
Fourth, I'm sorry but I feel Neruda is massively overrated, and don't really want to further that. His fame kind of reminds me of that of Charles Bukowski. People read him and go "Oh yeah, dude, poetry! Far out!" Or Rupi Kaur, for that matter. I'm not saying he writes all crap, I'm saying that as in the case of the Mona Lisa, the Louvre has several other paintings folks might enjoy.

Thanks for making me think,
John
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  #12  
Unread 08-09-2019, 11:28 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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I like this too. I have not read all the comments, but in case no one's mentioned it, I find one line to sound slightly out of place tone-wise:

so don’t expect to find exceptions here

It doesn't sound conversational like the others, not as childlike or light. I'm thinking something like

and don't expect to catch me up on that

might work. Or something else more idiomatic than "find exceptions".

The final sentence really does clinch the poem nicely

Andrew
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  #13  
Unread 08-09-2019, 11:31 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Thank you, Andrew. You are quite right, that line will need revising. Not sure what to, as yet. But it must go.

Cheers, and thanks for the nudge,
John

Update: I've reread my verses and taken your suggestion almost word for word. Thank you, Andrew!

Last edited by John Isbell; 08-14-2019 at 06:19 AM.
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  #14  
Unread 08-18-2019, 03:43 AM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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don't expect me to catch up on that. It's slightly more musical too. Even works for a precocious child. Imo, you're in kind of a weird area, which is probably good. I read your explanation, but I like Mark's better. Consider making the speaker a child, which maybe shouldn't be too apparent. Opens up some pretty great possibilities I think. For me, it gives the poem dimension and makes it more interesting. Like visiting your child because you're divorced, for example. But, whatever. I just believe the simple, direct language needs some refraction of some sort. I do like it, but I want to wack it like an old tv to get the picture right.

And I can't believe it's been over a week since someone commented on non-met. I'm not always here/paying attention, but I don't recall a longer stretch.
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  #15  
Unread 08-23-2019, 06:11 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi James,

Sorry, I was letting this sit but I should get back to you.I love your old tv image. It seems like at the moment, the poem allows rhe little girl reading that you and Mark favor, which is nice because itís also true to Cindy, who has an established scientific career. I also prefer the new line you point to, I think it improves the poem.

Cheers,
John
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  #16  
Unread 08-24-2019, 03:11 AM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Other than the Tintin part, the voice here strikes me as real and poignant. I keep coming back to the poem because of this. I think it drives the poem. If you do go all in with a child's voice, consider also a child's expectations of what a poem should be/do. And birthday seems to fit in nicely. I don't think it's there quite yet, and perhaps I'm unreasonably putting this into particular contexts (I hope not a 'throw a sailor in there' suggestion), but I see this as acutely sad and ironic. It's dynamite, John. I'd keep it on your desk, in view.
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  #17  
Unread 08-24-2019, 06:16 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi James,

I'm very glad to hear this piece is basically working for you. The voice is my favorite bit of it as well - it seems clearly defined and confident in its conclusions. The Tintin passage does feel a bit weaker, so I am going to look at ways to edit it. Yes, this is my friend Cindy, pretty much on the page. She said this piece was perfectly fine, when I showed it to her, but that it wasn't a poem.

Cheers,
John
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  #18  
Unread 08-25-2019, 09:07 AM
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Orwn Acra Orwn Acra is online now
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I was expecting a nod to Eno but this is good too. It's plain but somehow works. Rethink your rethinking Tintin; the humor is that, yes, while technically a book it is generally thought of as a comic strip. I almost want to suggest "novel" instead of book but that might go too far.
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  #19  
Unread 08-25-2019, 01:15 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Walter,

Thank you for the visit - I'm glad you enjoyed this. Yes, it is pretty plain, even plainer than usual for me. Thank you also for the nudge to keep Tintin as is, it does add flavor to the story. And is a fine comic book. I will do so.

Cheers,
John
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