[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by R. Nemo Hill

I actually like this, John, all those capriciously obsessive ss's in all those the kisses creating a kind of visceral whirlpool to draw the reader in, to kiss him as it were.
Its fleeting yet deep focus captures youth perfectly.

Nemo

I agree, it has a lightness to it that I like.

Although, I get that repeating the word 'kiss' was intentional, but this aspect could be scaled back some, IMO.

I wouldn't call it a failure, but it could maybe still be tweaked at John's discretion. If I have any complaint it's that the word 'kiss' takes up too much real-estate at the expense of other, more illuminating / interesting language. I like the effect that it's repetition produces, but it might work better minimized a little.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Nah, the boldness of the repetition is, well, youthful!

Nemo

[David Callin]

John, I think the first three verses are a poem that I like. I get a bit left behind when it takes off from that point.

I'd be interested to read whatever the original, or the inspiration, for this is.

Cheers

David

[W T Clark]

This has a lot of parts to it that could be lumbered away, unlike most of the poems you post — I am always surprised, that, despite your regularity, my suggestions never feel as if the very fabric of the thing should be changed: they are always just readjustments. Here, maybe that is different. What I think is at the heart of this poem is a dark little song full of repetitions and with its violent, upheaving ending. At the heart of it is kiss repeated until it becomes so saccharinely cruel. I think you need to cut that song out of the block of words you have here. You might see if you can carve more explicit and frequent rhymes and metre: I think of it as almost "nursery rhyme". But you keep that final part where the kiss turns away from them: in fact, I think you should make that as concretely disposed as possible: maybe even to the point of personifying the kiss.

There's a wonderfully bladed unsettlement here, you just need to dig it out a little more. It certainly isn't a failure as others seem to say.

Hope this helps.

[John Riley]

Thanks to all of you for the help. The “kisses” have to stay.

I apologize for not saying more. I’m ill. I must of picked up a virus from one of the kids I tutor. I’m pretty miserable. Just in time for Christmas.