[Jayne Osborn]

I was just about to report that none of us had made it this month, when I spotted that Nicholas Holbrook had earned an Hon Mensh. (Just in case anyone's still not aware, that's our very own, very talented Brian Allgar in disguise!)

The winners are very good, I think, as was your entry, Brian. Congratulations on your HM.

(Next comp on new thread)

Jayne


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxThe Oldie Competition
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxby Tessa Castro

IN COMPETITION No 156 you were invited to provide a publisher’s letter pointing out to a now famous author some of the deficiencies of a well known book. Hardly a classic would have been published had your imaginary publishers been on the lookout. Nicholas Holbrook’s letter informed Keats that Balboa, not Cortez, stared at the Pacific, so he should take more notice of his own dictum ‘Beauty is Truth’. Una McMorran’s publisher, George Newnes, explained to Conan Doyle that the snake in The Speckled Band, being deaf, would not respond to a whistle. Commiserations to these, and congratulations to those printed below, each of whom wins £25, with the bonus prize of a Chamber’s Biographical Dictionary going to D A Prince.

Dear Mr Dante,
Many thanks for your draft. A very interesting subject, playing to the reader’s sense of schadenfreude and the current taste for ghoulish punishments. Travel, as ever, gives a good structure, but we wonder if a leavening of humour might widen the appeal; not all readers choose to wallow in unrelieved gloom and despair. The vogue for Misery Lit has passed. You could, for example, add an extra character to the pairing of Protagonist and Guide; someone constantly getting into ‘scrapes’ and needing some inventive rescuing, perhaps, would make it more of a pageturner, as well as lightening the dialogue.
We liked the short paragraphs (readers’ attention spans can be very short) but could you give a little more variety? Some might argue the repetition of three-line paragraphs becomes monotonous.
Could you also reassure our legal team that you have cleared the copyright status with the Virgil estate?
I hope this helps.
D A Prince

Hi Evelyn (not sure whether you are a guy or dame!),
We just love Brideshead Revisited; we think it could be really big in the US, especially now with Downton. Oxford is a bit of a drag and for chrissake let’s get rid of that teddy bear. The sex needs to be far more raunchy. ‘I was making my first entry as the freeholder of a property I would enjoy at leisure’ is only going to grab estate agents and gardeners. The gay scene also needs a big kick up the ass – if you get my drift. So glad that Rex Mottram is Canadian; we can pour shit over him. Ditch Anthony Blanche, Cordelia and Mr Samgrass. We can do things with the nanny and the Marchmains – maybe a threesome? There has been talk of something to do with religion but I don’t get it.
John Kirkaldy

Dear King James,
Thank you for letting us see your impressive manuscript. However, we are obliged to point out a number of shortcomings in part 1, where we were unhappy with the level of violence. The word ‘smite’ appears there rather too frequently, as does ‘begat’ in your chapters entitled ‘Chronicles’. Your lists may be better presented as an attached Appendix, and we are sure that this would improve the page-turning qualities of your book. We also feel that your rather unsympathetic treatment of women is unlikely to appeal to a female readership.
On the whole, your work shows promise, but unfortunately it does not fit our present list.
Yours, etc.
Commissioning Editor
P.S. After penning this letter, we have discovered a previously published work of very similar content by one William Tyndale. In the light of this, you may now wish to find another subject.
Elizabeth Brassington

My dear Miss Greer,
I am returning the typescript of your proposed book, which regrettably we are unable to offer to publish. Aside from the curiously provocative title (I think if you refl ect you will realise that a woman cannot be a ‘eunuch’), it rather stridently and one-sidedly presents its case, thus undermining the genuine scholarship which is apparent in the less polemical passages. Indeed, there are times when your writing gives the impression that you might have chosen the wrong days of the month on which to record your feelings.
While I should not wish to discourage you, perhaps a rejection at this stage will help point you towards a more fulfi lling way of life than being a proponent of ‘women’s liberation’. Though men are not always saints, many women still fi nd satisfaction in the role of helpmeet and mother.
I leave you with that optimistic thought.
G M Davis