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  #11  
Unread 02-21-2021, 03:44 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Hello, I've been busy with work and return to so many comments. That in itself is encouraging. I want to say first that I only mentioned King David in response to Andrew's hoping I was not in such a state. It was a touching comment in a world with too few of them, so I thought it best to make my point more obvious in my response than I did in the poem. I am no scholar of David. Truthfully, David only comes into play because I was reading the Old Testament and began to think of the "great" man facing death and wondered how it would be different than me or any other "less great" man when the moment comes, and of course, there is no, or little, difference. I don't know. Maybe I've read too much Tolstoy.

I would love to respond to each comment with more vigor but right now I can't. I am exhausted. I am an introvert who took a job asking people personal questions and it is so draining. I'm off tomorrow. I will return then. Thanks to everyone for the input.

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  #12  
Unread 02-22-2021, 08:45 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi John,

This is very moving. The pace and rhythm doesn’t really put a foot wrong. It’s one of the easiest and most immediate of your poems to read, in the sense that it unfolds effortlessly like music. I feel like I’m hearing it in my inner ear rather than making any effort to read it. But it’s dark and it has real depths.

The only place the spell broke slightly for me was at the close-together rhyme of “dreaming and scheming” where I suddenly became aware of something having been written. Perhaps because it’s the only such rhyme. Otherwise, this is pretty damn magical.
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  #13  
Unread 02-22-2021, 09:45 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Matt, your questions are on point although I am not concerned that King David isn't obvious. As to the question of how a burden not lifted can be a burden we may think differently. I know from experience one can have a burden we refuse to lift that nevertheless remains a burden. It may even become more of a burden. That's my experience but others may have a different experience. Thanks for the tips on the lines and rhymes. I will consider them in revision. Thanks.

David, thanks for looking in. I wonder how congenial crickets will be on our deathbed? It's an interesting question. Others have mentioned the avalance of flesh. Thanks.

Jim, thanks for sharing that. I am happy the conceit works for you. That is really all I wanted. Thanks.

Nemo, your words knocked me back for a day or so. I am so grateful you felt what I wanted to do. I did write it in a bit of a trance and truth be told had no idea how good it may be. It means more than I can say that you find it to be good. Thank you.

Thanks, Andrew. I'm am grateful for your considered reading.

W.T, thank you for reading and commenting.

Matthew, thanks for reading and the notes which I will use in revision. You are correct. It should be "twists." I'll fix it.

Mark, the point you make about the rhyme is a good one. I didn't intend the rhyme, to be honest. I did write this in a sort of space and wanted to put things down simply with no concern for poetry. You know what I mean. I will take a look at that.

Thanks again to each of you.

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  #14  
Unread 02-22-2021, 11:20 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Riley View Post
David, thanks for looking in. I wonder how congenial crickets will be on our deathbed? It's an interesting question.
Yes. That is a very good point. Still not keen on "strangulation", though. May I tentatively suggest "a desolation of crickets"?

D
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  #15  
Unread 02-23-2021, 07:58 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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That’s a good suggestion, David. I’m going to consider it. Thanks.
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  #16  
Unread 02-26-2021, 09:04 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Hi John, I continue to absorb this as I am particularly interested in this phase of life. It is a bit cathartic to hear it described.

One word I have never connected with is “reckoned”. I’ve always associated it with cowboy/frontier speech. That’s just my linguistic prejudice. If it were me I would say “never knew”. It would, if nothing else, add a little alliteration. Just a thought...
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  #17  
Unread 02-26-2021, 01:18 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Jim, I understand that association with “reckoning.” I also associate it with navigation, particularly “dead reckoning.” That’s what I was thinking, for better or worse.

Best.
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  #18  
Unread 02-26-2021, 02:02 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.
"Jim, I understand that association with “reckoning.” I also associate it with navigation, particularly “dead reckoning.” That’s what I was thinking, for better or worse."


Wow, that reference went straight over my head; thanks for clarifying, if only for me.

I'm ready to re-associate the word/phrase to be the grave and true meaning you've reminded me of. Context is everything.

Thanks,
Jim

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