[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

I could not understand your reading of your final stanza Matt. I think it may be that I have not made clear this is the children talking in defiance of the priest and therefore the majority of parents (at that time). I am thankful as it has given me a way to address Joe’s concerns, I can remove an egg in editing.

Thank you.

[Matt Q]

Hi Jan,

Yes, it wasn't clear to me from the poem that you meant the children specifically, and your edit helps with that.

However, my issue with close was with directly stating what they are feeling, which isn't really affected by knowing that they are the children.

I guess it's just the old "tell" versus "show" thing.

best,

Matt

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

To me it is the how and what and why and finally the condensation that takes precedence Matt. There is a lot more packed in that last stanza than a straight tell. Every so called ‘rule’ is limited in its applicability.

We all differ in how we write and more importantly how we read.

Thanks for coming back.

[Jim Moonan]

.
There is a deliciousness to this that makes my imagination salivate! Although I see where some are coming from when they say that it begs for more, I don't think so. (Although it could be one in a series/suite of poems on the same subject). I like it just as it is, with one exception: I'd consider eliminating the double space between the second and third stanzas and/or perhaps not have any space at all.

The wickedness is in the vividness of your imagery. I think you should leave your life behind and go with them and become their poet — ha!

Maybe hyphenate "scab kneed"?

thumb-thick rope
canvas kingdom
muscle plaited men at work
square pegs

= Wow!

If the whole poem is delicious, the last line is luscious.


.

[Rick Mullin]

Yeah, this is like part of section one of a very long poem. It's good, but not enough in itself. You've set up a lot of dramatic expectation with the priest, the carneys and the townspeople and narrator.

Rick

[David Callin]

Hi Jan,

I think it works as it is - although continuing further, in similar vein, could be a pretty cool ride - but I think I agree with Matt that the final section is perhaps a bit too direct. If you could it tell more slant, that might be good, but I can understand why you're happy with what you've got already. If it works for you as it is, why fix it?

Cheers

David

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thank you,

Jim,

Yes to the hyphenation and space I am glad it appealed.

Rick,

“More bread” is a wonderful response. There may be others in this vein but this says exactly what I wanted to say maybe the want of more can translate into looking deeper into this?

Dave,

I hear you and Matt on the final strophe but presently I think it right, but as with everything it is subject to future edit. Thank you also for your take on El Perro I will end it where you say.

Jan