Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 07-30-2019, 10:01 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

Hello, Matt, thank you for commenting.

I agree with you about "considerable"--the only problem is finding a better word. I'm looking.

In the second line you question,

Land breakers shattering the blacktop, traffic . . .

Are you uncomfortable with the absolute condition: "Land breakers shattering the blacktop"?

I like your suggested revision but the "Land breakers" are causing the "shaking," so the logic gets a bit muddled.

Thanks again for sticking with me on this,

Aaron
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 07-30-2019, 01:18 PM
R. S. Gwynn's Avatar
R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Beaumont, TX
Posts: 4,330
Default

You'd think the British friend would have given Claire some Pall Malls. Good CGI, if that's what the imagination craves.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 07-30-2019, 04:24 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 3,333
Default

Hi Aaron,

My first thought for a replacement for 'mountainous', but that's not great, I think, and makes the line headless, but it gives an image, suggests peaks, and is appropriately geological.

Yes, regarding the land breaker line, I did find think the construction was maybe a little roundabout, or something of that kind, given the fast-moving dramatic action was depicting. So active verbs and a more direct, strong-stress-packed line seemed more appropriate. Plus I'm sucker for loading on the internal rhyme.

I think I see your point on the logic. The 'land breakers' are waves, if I'm reading it right, the quake travelling though earth. The black-top (road surface, right?) doesn't shake until the waves hit? Is that it? The opening of the poem says that the quake escalates and the land turns to liquid. I'd imagined the road shaking in the preliminary tremors (fore-shock) then getting hit by the 'land-breakers', the big waves (the main shock) when the quake escalates. But I don't know much about earthquakes.

Like Sam, I also wondered why the British friend had given Lucky Strikes. Duty free maybe? Maybe if you're going to the States you buy American cigarettes because why buy something you can get at home.

best,

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 07-30-2019 at 06:06 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 07-30-2019, 07:28 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

Matt, I will look for some "alpestrininian" alternatives to "considerable." Thank you.

Sam and Matt, Lucky Strikes were discontinued in North America in 2006. I want Lucky Strikes, given their name and history, so I went with the most likely narrative option. Hmn? The choice also shows how cosmopolitan Claire has become since leaving Utah.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-30-2019 at 07:33 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 07-31-2019, 01:35 AM
R. S. Gwynn's Avatar
R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Beaumont, TX
Posts: 4,330
Default

A minor point. Transformer oil (often mineral oil) is used in high-heat applications. It seems unlikely that a single cigarette butt would set a slick of it afire, especially a slick spread out over 14 miles of two tidal rivers.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 07-31-2019, 08:29 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

Thank you, Sam. I just need the flare up to be possible not probable. Still, I will see what I can do in earlier sections to emphasize that the leak most affects the area down under the Brooklyn Bridge.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 08-01-2019, 01:18 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

Dear reader, which second line do we prefer for the Earthquake section?

At 6:13pm a seismographic

a.) scribble of monumental amplitude
b.) scribble of Everest-like amplitude
c.) scribble of Krakatoan amplitude
d.) none of the above
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 08-04-2019, 11:41 AM
Daniel Kemper's Avatar
Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: California
Posts: 777
Default

for no special reason, looking at this:
"(O Timothy, hubristic billionaire,
donít be too hasty in your ecstasy:
there is an echelon of geese, revenge, in
the clear night air.) They strike the starboard engine
first, then the port, and he will certainly
be crashing. He can see, Oh God, Times Square
(Madame Tussauds, those giant TV screens),
then he can see what must be Bryant Park
(Gingkos and maples, various lamplit greens),
then everything goes permanently dark."

The voice that enters in is eerily familiar--somehow I get,
"O you who turn the wheel and look to windward,
Consider Phlebas, who was once handsome and tall as you." I love it, idiosyncratic echo or not.

However clever "revenge in / engine" rhyme, and it is very clever, I don't think it works as a rhyme. For me, it's just not a natural read. I love the insertion of "O God" that carries the pilot's sinking feeling well. I like Madam Tussauds as the first image of Times square, but was expecting less random things there. Seemingly random, but symbolic or telling. Nothing wrong with what's there. It's precise and crisp imagery layered sleekly into the meter. Just thinking out loud.

Next I notice a couple "be" verbs, which is an uncommon feature for you. "is an echelon", "be crashing". Gave me the impression there were more there than there actually are. The word "various" for me is a stumble. Finally, I wonder if you could totally smash the meter in the last line. And make it brief. At first, I was just thinking "permanently" was unnecessary, but think good effect might be had with something like,
"then dark", as the entire line.

Hope this helps, and as always, take/toss!
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Unread 08-04-2019, 11:54 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,293
Default

Thank you, Daniel. I have been listening to "The Waste Land" on repeat on my headphones, so maybe I was influenced by Eliot there.

Thank you for considered comments.

I very, very rarely rhyme two words ("revenge, in") with one ("engine"). I find the lines read well aloud, and that is my primary concern (I'll make an audiobook of this eventually).

In narrative, I have found, one has to use the existential construction ("There is/are") more often than in lyric. One has to introduce things before one makes them do things ("strike").

I like the almost humorous distancing effect of the future continuous tense ("will be crashing")

I will look at the ending of that first section (especially the ". . .Park" and ". . .dark" lines) and see what I can do. I prefer not to break out of Iambic Pent but have done it at the end of sections. Any suggestions that keep the meter?

Best,

Aaron
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Unread 08-06-2019, 09:17 AM
Daniel Kemper's Avatar
Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: California
Posts: 777
Default

?
then the close-up, then the freeze-frame, then dark
?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,999
Total Threads: 19,784
Total Posts: 253,076
There are 205 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online