Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 03-07-2021, 10:30 PM
Sergio F Lima Sergio F Lima is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Kansas City,MO,USA. There is also Kansas City,KS but I don't live there.
Posts: 2,281
Default

Hi Nicholas:

Welcome to non-metrical. I am pleased to make your acquaintance. I appreciate your thoughtful comments and the many ways you have found to lend me a hand. Your viewpoints are well taken; I will keep them in mind for any future rewrite.

Thank you again, and regards:

S

P.S.: when are you planning to post your first?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 03-11-2021, 11:35 AM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: *
Posts: 2,182
Default

Hey Sergio, sorry for the earlier fly-by. Anyway, I now vehemently disagree with myself. It happens, and I'm seeing a specialist. Keep that opening the same, but try dropping their grief to flew fast, and caveat. You've posted a version of this before. I liked it a lot then, and I do now, and it's suddenly clearer to me. But I do believe what I mentioned gets in the way of that clarity (and voice). I think it's about there.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 03-13-2021, 03:53 PM
Sergio F Lima Sergio F Lima is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Kansas City,MO,USA. There is also Kansas City,KS but I don't live there.
Posts: 2,281
Default

James

Who is not seeing a specialist nowadays? I, myself, see several. No worries, your point is well taken. It is great hearing from you and learning from your advice. Let's stay in touch.
Best:

S
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 03-16-2021, 08:11 PM
Nicholas McRae Nicholas McRae is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Canada
Posts: 6
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sergio F Lima View Post
Hi Nicholas:

P.S.: when are you planning to post your first?
I hope my comments were helpful and not too direct.

I'm told I need to post a few critiques before I share my own work. My wife and I have a 10 month old in tow, so it could be a while.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 03-17-2021, 09:39 AM
Sergio F Lima Sergio F Lima is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Kansas City,MO,USA. There is also Kansas City,KS but I don't live there.
Posts: 2,281
Default

Nicholas:

In olden days a new member had to complete 15 comments in order to post their work, but I am not sure if that still holds. You may wish to PM a moderator and ask.

Congratulations on the young heir.

Best:

S
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 03-17-2021, 01:59 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
Posts: 2,228
Default

Hi Sergio. I like a lot of this. Will be back in more detail tomorrow, all being well.

Cheers

David
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 03-17-2021, 04:52 PM
Sergio F Lima Sergio F Lima is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Kansas City,MO,USA. There is also Kansas City,KS but I don't live there.
Posts: 2,281
Default

Efcharistó polę, Δαβίδ !
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 03-18-2021, 01:36 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
Posts: 2,228
Default

As I said yesterday - I like a lot of this, Sergio. I like the easy conversational opening, and I really like the ending. The wall calendar section is also good.

I stumble at a few places - "causa mortis" is new to me, so I had to look it up. It's a fascinating phrase, but I wonder about its appropriateness for the poem. Does it add to the effect of the poem, or just over-complicate it? I'm not sure.

The leap - I thought it was a leap - to Venice took me by surprise, but it was not an unpleasant surprise. How could it be?

The "palazzi and colonnades that are strong enough / to take the load of human fate" seems a bit portentous to me. I kind of see what you might be getting at, but I wonder whether you could find a better to say it.

Actually, in my first attempt to cut and paste those lines it came out as "to take the load of human fat", which is at least easy to understand, and actually quite funny.

But that ending - those last three and a half lines. Lovely.

The poem is a bit like a walk in Venice - part of it is in darkness, part of it is in light. I would walk towards the light.

Cheers

David
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Unread 03-21-2021, 11:04 AM
John Riley John Riley is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4,635
Default

The thing that amazes me about this poem and your other poems, Sergio, is how you can throw so much on the page and none of it touches anything actual or creates the slightest frisson in the reader. You write of love and "forbidden dreams" and it's like reading the directions on a box of gaudy lights. For all the "romantic gondola" rides, it ends up being the kind of gone dead wood my friend the woodman knows won't provide any fuel if he uses it in his woodstove. It's wood that burns and burns and creates no heat.

Best
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Unread 03-21-2021, 09:03 PM
Sergio F Lima Sergio F Lima is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Kansas City,MO,USA. There is also Kansas City,KS but I don't live there.
Posts: 2,281
Default

Hi David:

I apologize for this belated reply. I wanted to thank you for your thoughtful critique; your cosmopolitan worldview feels truly congenial and reciprocal. It reminds me of a not so distant past when I was able to carry through my desire/curiosity to travel around the globe. Then, a painful ailment struck, and all I can do now is to travel vicariously, envious of those who can just pack and leave.

There are a lot of good suggestions in your critique, and they have been duly annotated. More than anything else, I thank you for your keen sense of analysis and your genuine friendliness.

Thank you again, and regards:
S
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,166
Total Threads: 20,559
Total Posts: 260,948
There are 189 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online