[John Whitworth]

Lord, I've got a barrowful of these. I shall wear Lucy down by constant entering.

No. 2810: light touch

You are invited to submit a light-hearted poem on a serious subject (up to 16 lines). Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 7 August.

[John Whitworth]

Well, here's a start. What could be more serious than tobacco abuse and child abuse both in the one poem? And private debt too. Perhaps Lucy will be afraid to post it lest the Speccie be closed down by the morality police. Now for a lighthearted look at racism.

I have removed this poem, which the well-read among you will have seen was about Christopher Marlowe, because Alex has received a complaint about it. I make no criticism of Alex who is just passing on something, and who has made no attempt to strong arm me. The poem is still in Lucy's in-tray, and has indeed already been accepted by Les Murray of Quadrant, but there you go.

[John Whitworth]

Continuing this conversation with myself (the best kind for us poets) I can't help wondering whether Lucy wants a sort of light-hearted commentary on some hellish serious matter like global warming or (of course) child abuse. I could probably manage the first since I don't believe a word of it, but a light-hearted commentary on child-abuse or rape or multiple murder, that might be a bit of a stretch. Meanwhile...

This post, which the well-read among you will know, is about Christopher Marlowe. Alex has received a complaint about it. I make no criticism of Alex, who has my full support in all matters. But the poem is in Lucy's in-tray, and has indeed been accepted by Les Murray for Quadrant. not generally thought of as a permissive sort of a place.

[Rob Stuart]

The Bible offers this advice;
Repenteth of your sins. The Lord
Will grant the worthy Paradise
As their reward.

But what kind of incentive’s this?
Who wants to spend eternity
In Heaven? Who would deem that bliss?
Not bloody me.

When dying, I’ll abjure the priest
And trust St. Peter recommends
Damnation, for in Hell at least
I’ll be with friends.

[Marcus Sevat]

"but a light-hearted commentary on child-abuse or rape "

Talk to Janice, John, She will show you how it's done - the poetry I mean.

I liked your own effort - clever to get marmosets in.

[Marcus Sevat]

Hi Rob,

I'd not have thought of mocking the Bible. Can you do it with another Holy Book?

You are following the lines of Voltaire's last wish, I see.

[Andrew Sacks]

"Thank God I'm an atheist."

--supreme director Luis Bunuel

I agree.

[Rob Stuart]

Originally Posted by Marcus Sevat

Hi Rob,

I'd not have thought of mocking the Bible. Can you do it with another Holy Book?

You are following the lines of Voltaire's last wish, I see.

I'm more than happy to mock any Holy Book, Marcus.

[John Whitworth]

Right. Here's another. A light-hearted look at multiple murder by a minor. It's the way you tell them.

Gun Law

Last Tuesday week I shot my mother dead
By planting several bullets in her head.
I pondered it for weeks and then I did it.
The thing was hellish messy so I hid it.
A freezer hummed convenient in the basement.
'You killed your mother and there's no replacement,'
She sang out smugly from the frozen peas.
Stern measures are required in times like these.
Just yesterday I took the bus to school
And shot my teacher for a bloody fool,
And shot a bunch of kids I didn't care for
Because I couldn't think what they were there for,
And shot the parson through his holy eyeball
And burned his church and shat upon his bible.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Wow, John. And wow again.