Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Unread 04-04-2001, 04:10 PM
Julie Julie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 893
Post

Quote:
Originally posted by A. E. Stallings:
Julie, lovely and strange. I think I am missing a reference though. Is the speaker meant to be someone particular--Cleopatra, Circe?
Hi, Alicia. I hoped it would have the feel of a mythological event without actually being based on one. Heck, I hoped I wouldn't get laughed out of the room!

Julie
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Unread 04-04-2001, 05:21 PM
Jerry H Jenkins Jerry H Jenkins is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 1,206
Post

Ralph,

I can't let your clever conglomeration pass unappreciated. I think you've done a fine job of cutting, pasting and modifying using the building blocks you've adopted.

Jerry
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Unread 04-04-2001, 05:25 PM
Jerry H Jenkins Jerry H Jenkins is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 1,206
Post

Kate,

I enjoyed this, with its self-deprecation and invective, and especially liked the alliterative near-Spoonerism in "their vexing cackles and their hexing vats".

Intelligently and amusingly done.

Jerry
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Unread 04-04-2001, 05:30 PM
Jerry H Jenkins Jerry H Jenkins is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 1,206
Post

MScott,

Your villanelle has three lines too many - it's a 22-line poem trying to fit into a 19-line form. I don't know if correcting this is an opportunity or a curse, but -

Good luck.

Jerry
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Unread 04-04-2001, 05:34 PM
Jerry H Jenkins Jerry H Jenkins is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 1,206
Post

Julie,

That's not only a very capable villanelle, it's skillfully-nuanced, so the repetends assume slightly different roles and significance in their recurrence. That's hard to manage, and you did it very well.

And I echo Alicia's sense of its mystery and folkloric/supernatural implications.

Who could ask for more?

Jerry
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Unread 04-05-2001, 10:13 AM
PrttyKtty PrttyKtty is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Eugene, Oregon, USA
Posts: 393
Post

Finally I have a few minutes to comment on these.

Ralph, I think your Honest Iago's Villanelle very clever. It moves along quite smoothly.


MS, I think this works pretty well. Based on your explanation of it though, I think you have a mixed metaphor in the final stanza. Are they to be both jewels in his crown and hearts on his scrolls? As has been pointed out, it does have an extra stanza.

Kate,
Very masterful! It had such a scuzzy feel to it -perfect!

Julie,
I really liked the way you were able to enjamb the lines to twist the meaning. Very nice.


Reply With Quote
  #27  
Unread 04-05-2001, 01:22 PM
Jan D. Hodge Jan D. Hodge is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Sioux City, IA
Posts: 904
Post

Hi. I'm brand new to this site, and this will be my very first post. But I couldn't resist joining in the fun and applause (especially for that marvellous reworking of Yeats's foul rag-and-bone shop).

Herewith my villanelle of sorts:


Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Such is a favorite sport of amorous men.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May

or Alice or Cassandra . . . Who am I to say
what might be witnessed by the hidden wren?
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day

and say that thou art temperate? No way!
Far better you were hot as Gwendolyn
when rough winds shake the darling buds of May

. . . or Julie . . . and we are tumbling in the hay.
In such a way again and yet again
would I compare thee to a summer's day,

or better, teach the bees themselves to play.
When we in splendid chorus breathe: Amen!
rough winds will shake, the darling buds of May

will blush a deeper red, the thrush essay
a song unheard before. Then, darling, then
I'll have compared thee to a summer's day.
Let rough winds shake those darling buds of May.


Jan
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Unread 04-06-2001, 03:50 AM
A. E. Stallings A. E. Stallings is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Athens, Greece
Posts: 3,206
Post

Welcome Jan

& thanks for taking up the challenge!

Lots of fun rimes in this--I like the mix of diction (no way! Amen!). The darling buds of May start to take on a whole new meaning...

These are all so good I'm getting intimidated about trying this myself.

AE

Reply With Quote
  #29  
Unread 04-06-2001, 11:25 AM
Howard Howard is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Georgia
Posts: 283
Post

"The Witch to Hansel"

Ah, this I know: that you are very fine.
The autumn day we met, I thought the air,
seasoned with sage and onions and port wine,

anticipated in its scents of vine
and gardenplot all that we are to share;
and this I know: that you are very fine.

I recognized your hunger as a sign
that we were at the start of something rare.
Seasoned with sage and onions and port wine,

the morsels which I gave to you to dine
upon were proof of my devoted care.
And this I know: that you are very fine.

I've nutured you and watched as my design
swelled toward fulfilment, answering my prayer.
Seasoned with sage and onions and port wine,

the dishes you consumed were rich as mine
will be and which, soon now, I will prepare.
And this I know: that you'll be very fine,
seasoned with sage and onions and port wine.


[I think I cheated by playing a bit fast and loose with the
original, which is from Southey's sonnet "To a Goose":
"But this I know, that thou wert very fine,
Seasoned with sage and onions and port wine."
Howard]
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Unread 04-07-2001, 04:44 AM
A. E. Stallings A. E. Stallings is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Athens, Greece
Posts: 3,206
Post

Howard,

Another good one! I like the witch's culinary turn of mind. Gleefully sinister. I also am partial to that Southey sonnet.

AE
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,958
Total Threads: 19,405
Total Posts: 248,469
There are 130 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online