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  #11  
Unread 07-09-2019, 01:17 PM
Lee Meadow Lee Meadow is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Allen Tice View Post
Lee, I hope the change away to "bumblebees" has helped. Perhaps you replied before seeing that. It might work for me. I'd like something else. You will rightly infer from my previous post that I'm terrifically aware (don't ask) of the "dixie" overtones. I had hoped that the adversative "clearer / than" would carry the day, but clearly you felt that it didn't. Since I want to make this into something that can mean good things to people besides me, I must respect vox populi...

Ashley, you've hit on a troubling spot for me. I originally had the cliche "apple of my eye" for "object of my ear", and will partly restore it now. I mean the semi-circle moon of the first and last "quarter" phases between a full moon a new moon. I have been a short-wave radio enthusiast. Some people have bounced radio waves off the moon.
1. Yes it still read 'dixie' when I replied.

2. Why is object of my ear troubling? I really liked the play on the familiar 'object of my desire' and tied the music/song into the desire beautifully poetically, which btw you have kind of ruined by transforming it into bumblebees, which brings me to -

3. Sometimes you can listen too much to critique. Take which is of value and leave the rest. Trust your own poetic voice, be firm to the conviction of what you want to say and hold to that. I think you had a nice poem that met with a largely positive response but had one troubling reference which was easily fixed by inserting any other well-known, but less loaded song title in its place and now you have something else entirely that I'm not sure that your or it knows what it is.
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  #12  
Unread 07-09-2019, 01:50 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is online now
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Lee, listening too much to a critique is possible, but I will review yours and others again. I do like the suggestion of a different song. "Greensleeves," "Barabara Allen", "Auld Lang Syne," "Stop in the Name of Love," "Where Did Our Love Go"? As I see it, it would need to be a song for the "long game", and I mean long game. Ephemera need not apply. And I still want the adversative "than". Meanwhile, you might not like too much the latest form.
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  #13  
Unread 07-09-2019, 02:26 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Allen,
the poem is almost moon shaped; how about "Waxing moon" as a title,
and rearranging it a bit:

xxxxxYou are

the object of my eye.

There is no other

time than when

we walked in

the Persian

light of space,

and far away came

clearer than echoes, your

xxxxxsoft piano.

Or even:

xxxxxxxxxxxxYou are

the object of my eye.

There is no other

time than when

we walked in

the Persian

light of space,

and far away came

clearer than echoes, your

xxxxxxxxxxxxsoft piano.
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  #14  
Unread 07-10-2019, 06:40 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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x
L.: "A softly written piece with apparently little to hang one's hat on in terms of details - a person walks in a garden and hears a piano playing softly in the distance. The piano creates desire in him, and/or he knows the piano player whom he desires. Or he just likes the music. All very suitably vague for the reader insert their own interpretation. At this point no nitpicks with regard the poetic skill of the piece."

What L. calls vague I see as transcendence incarnate in the form of (possibly) wine, of tinkling keys, of moon, distances, love's attraction, et. al. --All combined to produce an artistic aphrodisiac effect. An altered state. The vagueness is real.


I liked your original title. It was a signature of your style. (Radar Bounce)
x
x

Last edited by Jim Moonan; 07-10-2019 at 06:44 AM.
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  #15  
Unread 07-10-2019, 07:44 AM
Lee Meadow Lee Meadow is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin Rocek View Post
Hi Allen,
the poem is almost moon shaped; how about "Waxing moon" as a title,
and rearranging it a bit:

xxxxxYou are

the object of my eye.

There is no other

time than when

we walked in

the Persian

light of space,

and far away came

clearer than echoes, your

xxxxxsoft piano.

Or even:

xxxxxxxxxxxxYou are

the object of my eye.

There is no other

time than when

we walked in

the Persian

light of space,

and far away came

clearer than echoes, your

xxxxxxxxxxxxsoft piano.
I like the idea of turning this into a shape poem. I admit I don't often like the form, but this fits.
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  #16  
Unread 07-10-2019, 03:21 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is online now
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Allen,

The new opening is not as good as the original with the unexpected ear after the line break. Each revision, I think, has gotten worse. Reading your suggestion that you originally were playing on "Apple of my eye" you might do that with 'ear' (which, in a piece about music, might bring suggestions of earbuds, though, so maybe not.)

Same with the title.

I think Lee's right to get rid of Dixie. Since the original is entirely deleted, I don't remember exactly where it was, and so can't seem to think about how to help.

The half-moon shape of the poem, coming from Martin's suggestion, is a really good choice.
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  #17  
Unread 07-10-2019, 07:17 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is online now
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Martin, Lee, Andrew, et al.,
I like the Magritte effect of the sensory displacement of the ear.
I’ve put up a new background contrast in the next to last line.
What do we think (to coin a phrase)?
(Will radar still be used in sixty years? Will astrolabes or voxels?)


PS “Solace” substituted for “apple”. Seemed too commercial. Still want a better word.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 07-10-2019 at 10:18 PM.
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  #18  
Unread 07-11-2019, 09:32 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is online now
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New title. New LL1-2.
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  #19  
Unread 07-11-2019, 07:46 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is online now
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New Line 8.
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  #20  
Unread 07-13-2019, 10:42 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is online now
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New last two lines.
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