[Rick Mullin]

Glad I was helpful, but I don't like turning the Charon line into a simile. Just have Charon emerging, perhaps set off by m dashes, I'd say. That's the drama.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Rick—
My thinking on using “like” in line 11 and turning Charon’s raft into a simile is based on three advantages: First, the poems are emerging from deep in the poet’s subconscious just as the raft is emerging from the darkness and the river (Styx in Greek myth, Acheron in Dante). The gradual appearance of each component emerging from the dark—skull head, pole, black robe, raft—corresponds to the gradual development “in stages” of the poem that was in the cut line: “an image, a line. . .” Second, the antecedent of “some” in line 12 was “poems” in line 10. Line 11, with no grammatical connection or relevance to either line 10 or 12 only served to chop up the tercet . By making it a prepositional phrase modifying line 10, the logical and grammatical flow is much better. Third, the different themes and tones of the poems (“joys, . . . rages”) is represented in the simile by the personalities and sins of the damned souls already on board the raft. I adjusted line 12 to add this “collecting” function of both Charon’s raft and the poems. Taken together, the simile becomes a complex metaphysical conceit or allegory suggesting that the power to create poetry comes from a dark place in the soul of the cursed poet. It is, as Housman famously said, “a morbid secretion” over which the poet may have little control. It will cause society to condemn the poet because he or she breaks the taboos that demand concealment of the emotional life, and there is no promise of fame or salvation for poetic achievement.

[Julie Steiner]

I prefer the original L1, because it keeps the spotlight on the narrator, and because I prefer "bear" to "endure". "Bear" implies carrying it through the world to be witnessed and responded to publicly, while "endure" seems more private and solitary.

[Carl Copeland]

I think Rick has nudged you in a good direction and given me a good lesson in criticism. A few reservations about version two:

Originally Posted by Julie Steiner

I prefer the original L1, because it keeps the spotlight on the narrator, and because I prefer "bear" to "endure". "Bear" implies carrying it through the world to be witnessed and responded to publicly, while "endure" seems more private and solitary.

Though I share credit for this change, I agree with Julie. Another possibility would be “Medusa, Cain—like them, I bear a mark.” I also prefer “will” in L3, implying that they refuse to speak, rather than being forbidden (and potentially disobeying). I still think it’s strange to have “No one will speak” (a punishment) in parallel with “no dog will bark” (a benefit).

Originally Posted by Rick Mullin

I don't like turning the Charon line into a simile. Just have Charon emerging, perhaps set off by m dashes, I'd say. That's the drama.

I’m with Rick. “Morbid secretion” may be a little too apt: poems emerge from the subconscious like Charon’s raft from darkness, then turn to ashes and blow away as the poet embarks on the still-intact raft sailing back into the subconscious after taking joys, deepest fears and rages on board.

[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

I really like the revision. I think the poem benefits from being more compact.

Like Julie, I prefer "bear" in L1, for it's double meaning of "carry" and "endure". I'd maybe go with "I bear a mark". I like how "mark" also has a sense of inscription, or writing. Also, the "like me" construction in the revision seems slightly out of voice.

S2L3, "I sweat my words", maybe "I sweat out words"? To me it seems a little more graphic. That said, the former more obviously suggests meaning of "I sweat over my words, produce them with great effort".

S3L2. Given the liquid/water theme: sweat/flows/flood/mud/raft, I wonder a little at "burning". Obviously water can burn if it's hot enough, and I think you want to indicate pain, but maybe there's a more water-based option, I dunno, like "drenching" maybe, though maybe that is too close to repeating "sweat" and would be more discomfort than pain? Or "staining" to as a call-back to him being "marked" in S1L1. Though I guess "burning" also would leave him marked, his skin red. Or "dissolving skin"? Anyway, I don't know that any of these suggestions are great. Just flagging this up because "burning" stuck out a little for me. Not saying it's wrong.

S3L3 given the fresh language of the rest of the poem "my deepest fears" stands out as something of stock phrase / cliché. Is there another modifier you could use? Or I guess you could have "my hopes and fears", which I think is a bit better, though also something of an expected combination.

S5 At the close, you switch from from water to fire (spark, ashes) and air (blow away). Not necessarily a problem, but maybe there are other options. For example, since he's on a raft on the Styx, maybe the ashes could "drift away" or wash away", for example, and hence return to water?

Best,

Matt

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Also, the "like me" construction in the revision seems slightly out of voice.

Ah, I felt the same thing, but couldn’t figure out why. Are we hearing it like the colloquial but formally incorrect “it’s me”? The grammar is different, but maybe that’s why it bugs us.

[Glenn Wright]

More very helpful insights, Julie, Carl, and Matt.
I agree that I like “bear” better than “endure.” Your suggestion, Carl, helped me figure out how to recover it. I do, though, prefer “may” to “will” for two reasons. First, the nature of the curse is to deny permission to those who might be willing to speak to the poet or attack him, but are prevented by divine decree. I replaced “friendly” with “any” to clarify that the curse, like Cain’s, includes protection for the poet, but that the punishment is loneliness. Second, I like the humming /m/ alliteration in the first few lines, suggesting the gestating poems. This gives way to /s/ alliteration as the poems burst forth.
I struggled with the punctuation in the fourth tercet, and ended up being convinced to lose the simile. I like the suddenness of Charon’s entrance, reinforced by Rick’s idea of using an em dash, and I think the parallel of my thoughts being loaded into my poem with damned souls boarding Charon’s raft is still there at some level. I thought that changing “They” to “These” in L 13 clarified that the speaker is referring to—in fact, pointing to—his poems. I also felt hat the stressed syllable set off the final couplet better.
Matt, I wanted “sweat . . .words” to be parallel with “sweat blood.” As for the sweat burning him, I’m imagining that the words he sweats are painful, like acid. There is a kind of reversal of expectations involving liquids and fire, as you note. Your thoughts were helpful in making me see this, and I decided that I liked it. I also agree that “deepest fears” is cliché, and changed it to “strangest fears,” which is, at least, a little more sinister.
Sincere thanks to all for your time, insights, and encouragement.

[Rick Mullin]

I would go back to "Some celebrate my joys..." Just let Charon emerge, not go on to having him collect. End the Charon line with a period or another dash. Keep the poems the focus in the next line.
RM

[Glenn Wright]

I’m not sure about using two em dashes to insert Charon into the middle of the fourth tercet. On the positive side, it definitely heightens the drama and adds a rushed sense of the speaker running out of time. It also establishes that Charon is literally about to take the speaker to the Inferno. He’s not merely a figure of speech. As Carl diplomatically pointed out, I may have gotten myself a bit tangled up in my own “conceit.” The simpler approach might well be more resonant and effective here.
On the negative side, it sacrifices the parallel between the poet loading his words into his poems and Charon loading damned souls onto his raft—actually a pretty small sacrifice, since it’s not an idea I actually developed. It also seems to me that the fourth tercet jumps around grammatically, suggesting a desperation that is at odds with the calm resignation I’ve tried to cultivate in the rest of the poem. Let me look at it this way for a while and see if it grows on me. Thanks for hanging in there with me, Rick.

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

I agree that I like “bear” better than “endure.” Your suggestion, Carl, helped me figure out how to recover it.

Great, only now we have a real I/me problem. “Medusa, Cain, and I,” please.