[Simon Hunt]

Thanks, Jim. Just to clarify, I was positing "its kin" (i.e. possessive it), not "it's grief" (i.e. it is). I'm still processing Cameron's suggestion, but even with your explanation so far it seems more confusing than expansive to me.

[Roger Slater]

What if you omitted the last line of each stanza? I don't think they're doing much (especially the last line of S1), and "astir" strikes me as the wrong register, which makes me think it's just there to set up the rhyme. I think the poem would read better without the final lines of each stanza, though it might not say what you wanted to say.

[John Riley]

I second what Roger says about the last lines. Both are unnecessary and reduce the charm.

[Simon Hunt]

Roger, John--Thank you. That's another simple but bold suggestion I'll have to think about. I am initially resistant because, as Roger surmises, the final line is crucial to the point of the poem, was indeed its origin. Also because I had rather hoped, as Alexandra seems to say, the last lines of the stanzas helped the form, and thus the poem, to "click." But I'll think about it.

[Andrew Frisardi]

Since this is a workshop and workshops contain multitudes and their contradictions, I vote for keeping the last lines of each stanza. For me, they make each half flutter down like a feather at the end. They settle the poem into place. I like them.

[R. Nemo Hill]

I very much agree with Andrew about the stanza's final lines.

Nemo

[Jim Moonan]

.

Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi

I vote for keeping the last lines of each stanza. For me, they make each half flutter down like a feather at the end. They settle the poem into place. I like them.

Beautifully put. I agree that the last lines of each stanza are essential to the poem.
I think, too, that Susan, Andrew and others have picked up on what is the lifeblood of this poem: its lyrical cadence that is amplified by the rhyming.

I also think that the quantifying aura that each stanza begins with gives the poem an emphatic feel that heightens the sense of love that runs through it.

.

[Simon Hunt]

Thanks, Andrew, Nemo, and Jim (M). Your votes are noted. I appreciate that you're getting what I was going for there.

[Susan McLean]

How about something like "but loss, not lust, had set its hooks / in me, with grief that smothers" to avoid the generality of "kind"? I too prefer retaining the last lines of both stanzas.

Susan

[RCL]

Simon,

Others have done the heavy lifting, but I greatly admire the revised version and how the playful rhythm, in tension with the topic, is finally fulfilled by the last line.