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  #11  
Unread 10-05-2019, 10:21 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Andrew,

For me, the changes in S2 seem leave to with me a less of a clear image than the original. To say the features of the face mime the moon seems to offer more of a visual image than comparing the languor of the face to the moon, which seems more abstract (plus 'languor' can mean pleasurable dreamy tiredness or oppressive stillness). Pallid paper again seemed to a clearer visual image: I don't quite know what empty paper means here or looks like. What's it empty of? Do you mean it's blank, or did it once contain something?

I found the ambiguity of the first sentence of S2 more confusing/distracting than beneficial. I struggled to parse it. I can't see a way to decide between:

I am [either] (an acolyte of light that brings
me to the brink of dark, where sunlight hangs
precariously balanced), or I’m benighted.

I am an acolyte of light that brings
me to the brink of dark, where ([either]sunlight hangs
precariously balanced, or I’m benighted.)

Neither the scope of 'where' or the scope of 'or' are clear, I think. Had I seen a primary reading which was open to secondary one, the situation would have been different I think. Instead I ended up stopping and rereading trying to puzzle it out, and couldn't pin it down either way. That just could be a problem for me, of course.

-Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 10-05-2019 at 02:07 PM.
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  #12  
Unread 10-06-2019, 10:48 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Aaron and Matt, thanks. I'm glad you like the poem, Aaron.

I am trying out another adjective to replace "empty": "backlit." Hopefully this clarifies the image I had in mind. I can't tell yet if this works, so responses welcome.

I've reverted to "features" in the previous line -- you're right, Matt, that "languor" was off.

For the syntax in the opening sentence in S2, I think I'm going to rely on the punctuation, which seems to clarify the sense, that the interjected phrase is an aside, with the main sentence consisting of the opening phrase and the closing one. It's helpful to know how it comes across to you, and I will continue to mull it over.
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  #13  
Unread 10-06-2019, 11:31 AM
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is online now
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I don't think "backlit" is right, either.

"Ghostly watermarks" is such a beautiful, flowing phrase. You need to sustain that beauty into the second half. The meaning of "backlit" is ok; the sound isn't good enough, imo.
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  #14  
Unread 10-06-2019, 10:59 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is online now
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Right on.xxxxx
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  #15  
Unread 10-07-2019, 12:28 PM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is online now
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I prefer, pallid, Andrew. It kind of implies the backlighting that makes the watermark visible, but it does so indirectly.

I love the poem.
Its density is so sensual.

Nemo
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  #16  
Unread 10-07-2019, 01:30 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Andrew,

Pallid’s OK I guess. It puts me in mind of “Alone and palely loitering.”

Cheers,
John
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  #17  
Unread 10-07-2019, 02:44 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Aaron, Nemo, and John, thanks.

The thing that made me hesitate with "pallid" was what Matt said about paper-face-moon, which made sense to me. Yet I've liked the sound of it all along and preferred it to other alternatives. Much to my delight, googling the phrase "pallid paper" actually came up with some valid uses, so I've reverted to it. I think Nemo makes a good point about its suggesting the backlit quality, less directly. Plus, I've now changes "features" in S1L4 to "aspects," since I definitely don't mean nose or eyes, I mean the traces left by drying vapor. Which "aspects" covers, adding some nice sonics as well, I think.

Thanks for the feedback.

Andrew

Last edited by Andrew Frisardi; 10-07-2019 at 02:46 PM.
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  #18  
Unread 10-07-2019, 08:13 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
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Hi Andrew,

I really enjoyed this poem, especially the second stanza, and I think the tweaks it’s undergone have all been for the better. ‘Aspects’ does echo the sonics in the next line in a nice way, I think – or not echo, since it comes first, but you get the idea. So yeah, I don’t have any suggestions – just admiration.
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  #19  
Unread 10-09-2019, 01:30 PM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Hi Andrew, I had to read it adagio molto. Each line is a poem in itself. "Pallid" works wonderfully for me. My only nit is L3 in Twilight - why say dusk when the title is already twilight? On the other hand, maybe there is a difference between twilight and dusk, a slight shift in darkness. I like the revision to "aspects" and the other revisions. I like "acolyte of light" - light-light. Such a meditative, lovely poem!
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  #20  
Unread 10-11-2019, 10:45 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Thanks, A. and Mary, I'm glad you enjoyed this poem. Mary, I think I'm going to leave the twilight/dusk semirepetition, since their sounds are so different which, as you say, conveys a sense of a slight shift in the dark.

This one can sink down the page now. Thanks again, all.
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