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  #11  
Unread 10-19-2020, 08:37 AM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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I think the revision to L4 improves the barnacles image, though I did like the blunt command, "Forget the Spring." On the other hand, "outshines" does pick up on the darkness of the night in a nicely ironic way, so it works and is probably a net improvement. (And I like Rick's anti-colon suggestion.)

You've sold me on the scorpion. The barnacles feel out of place still, not horribly so, but enough to make me wonder whether, at some point down the road, you won't find something better. Burrs, for instance?
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  #12  
Unread 10-19-2020, 12:42 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Hello Andrew,

To clarify and not to argue, when I meant convenient, I meant that if one had the word "sting" around and wanted to create a descriptive analogy, then dollars to donuts one first goes towards the image of a scorpion. In that sense, scorpion might be "disjunctive" relative to Autumn, but it is very much conjunctive to "sting".

For example, if the lines were something like:

In the light breeze of Autumn, I find the sting
of loneliness like an absent friendís, whose quips still cling
to my brain

I would say nothing at all. So my tendency would be to try to find something fresh and interesting within the seasonal tropes, rather than pick any old "disjunctive" natural image. There would be less of a clash if the images were not taken from nature!

I get there is a balance between the stock and the less stock natural images, and it is your poem, so your balance. Yeah.
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  #13  
Unread 10-19-2020, 05:00 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Rick,

Thanks for coming back. I've taken your suggestion on cutting the colon and changing to "who."

Aaron,

Again, I appreciate your thoughts. I took you suggestion of "burrs" and tweaked it a bit to fit; I think it was a good suggestion. I do miss "Forget the Spring," but also think it's a net win for imagery, etc.

I'm still considering antepenultimate line.

Yves,

I really do appreciate you coming back and clarifying. I think we just disagree on the image there, which is no big deal. I appreciate the pushback and think you were ultimately right on the barnacles. Not just for the form, but I think for other reason, I can't simplify those lines in the way you suggest.
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  #14  
Unread 10-19-2020, 05:31 PM
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R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
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This season outshines Spring
who shouts out always of eternal dawn
and, newborn and near-blind, stumbles with the fawn
she engenders only to abandon.


This is way too much. It would make more sense to say the fawn abandons spring, but I still get Disneyfied.

Lifeless in appearance, sluggish
dazed spring approaches—

They enter the new world naked,
cold, uncertain of all
save that they enter. All about them
the cold, familiar wind—

Now the grass, tomorrow
the stiff curl of wildcarrot leaf

One by one objects are defined—
It quickens: clarity, outline of leaf

But now the stark dignity of
entrance—Still, the profound change
has come upon them: rooted they
grip down and begin to awaken
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  #15  
Unread 10-20-2020, 06:24 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Hi Sam,

Thanks for the note. I don't think I agree that the fawn abandons spring. I'm sorry you're feeling Disney out of this, too, since I'm not personally seeing that.
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  #16  
Unread 10-21-2020, 02:13 AM
R. S. Gwynn's Avatar
R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
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Several million have seen Bambi during its long history. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0fSd7QBQY0
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  #17  
Unread 10-21-2020, 07:03 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Hi Sam,

Thanks for coming back. I have indeed seen Bambi and seem to remember being scarred by it as a young child when it was re-re-released in 1988. Is it just the fact that I use the image of a fawn (which I intend to be sort of silly since it's critiquing spring), or is it something in the phrasing itself you find too Disney?
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  #18  
Unread 10-23-2020, 02:29 PM
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R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
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There was a nature painter very popular in Texas in the 70s. I can't think of his name, but he was a master of kitsch. His prints seemed to hang in every doctor's office and middle-class den. They were always gauzy and more often than not featured fawns. The idea of Nature (personified) engendering a fawn is a bit grotesque and somewhat transgressive.
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  #19  
Unread 10-24-2020, 09:17 AM
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Andrew Mandelbaum Andrew Mandelbaum is offline
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This season outshines Spring
who shouts out always of eternal dawn
and, newborn and near-blind, stumbles with the fawn
she engenders only to abandon.



Sam is right I think that this section gets a bit much but not because of the fawn. I think it is mostly the ordering of the phrases and maybe the unneeded weight of the word engendered. The coupling of always and eternal might be unnecessary as well though I get your reasons for both so I leave it in here below. I like that stumbling fawn in your dissent and think it the primary phrase. I think an edit closer to the lower proposal loses what seem unwieldy and keeps the core. Easier to just copy out a edit that explain:



This season outshines Spring
who stumbles with the fawn,
newborn and near-blind
to shout of always of eternal dawn
only to abandon.
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  #20  
Unread 10-25-2020, 07:39 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Hi Sam and Andrew, thanks for your thoughts here. It seems the weak point here is still these lines, and so I'm going to take some time to address them.

But for now probably best to let this slide.

Thanks everyone!
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