[John Whitworth]

The Oldie Competition
by Tessa Castro

IN COMPETITION NO 134 you were asked, bearing in mind Gordon Browns inability to name his favourite biscuit, to write a poem called 'The use of biscuits'. I received a whole barrel-full of sweet or savoury entries, none of which was at all dry and few soft.
Jayne Osborn declared: 'There is no use for Tuc. / They absolutely suck. / No structural integrity. Too salty.' Even choosier was Susan Wickham's narrator, diabetic, gluten-intolerant and toothless: 'I cannot eat biscuits / So they have no use for me. / Instead I suck a rice-cake Until it turns soggy.'
Tony Harper took us to the Pyrenean pass of Roncevaux in Charlemagne's day, with Roland and Oliver, when 'midst the groans, the oaths, the screams / Rang good Archbishop Turpins cry. / I hope youve brought the custard creams!' Elizabeth Brassington looked to those same medieval times for the discovery by King Alfred, after overcooking the cakes and dipping the dry objects in his ale, that: 'Thanks to the good sense of one king, The use of biscuits is - for dunking.'
Each of those printed below wins £20, with the most suitable bonus prize of a Taylor's of Harrogate tea and cake set going to John Whitworth.

What is the use of biscuits? What
Have biscuits, in their essence, got
That cakes or crisps or crumpets lack?
The perfect or platonic snack,
Adjunctive to a cup of tea;
Are biscuits all that this might be?
Or are they an irrelevance,
A hypocritical pretence,
A mask, a mummery, a sham?
Do biscuit-junkies give a damn
For values decent people feel?
Betrayers of the commonweal
Of common sense and common good,
Of modesty and motherhood!
Race-hate, date-rape and child-abusing
Can all be linked with biscuit using.
John Whitworth

Have Wagon Wheels fallen off wagons?
Are Jaffa Cakes biscuits in drag?
Why don't Jammie Dodgers keep dodging about
Instead of just lying in bags?

Are Hobnobs most sociable biscuits?
Does a Happy Face ever feel sad?
Do Iced Gems just long for a sun bed
And does calling Time Out make them sad?

Do Rich Tea have poor tea relations?
Do Ginger Nuts need to be cracked?
Why is Jack in a Flap and are Brandy Snaps cross?
Do Oaties feel they're sassenached?

Do Digestives not suffer from heartburn?
Does a broken Kitkat ever mend?
Do frisky Date Slices meet up after dark
And do Cereal Bars never end?
Pamela Trudie Hodge

What's the use of biscuits
Unless to test your teeth,
And then to take a crumb and risk its
Flavour When Lord Reith
Had biscuits on the way to bed
With all his many lovers
He found out they cleared his head
(Although they stained the covers).
Next day, he'd feel far calmer
And thank his pious God
For Huntley and for Palmer.
He'd wield his moral rod.
He'd answer every question
With biscuit in his voice.
They sorted his digestion
So the girls he picked were choice.
Bill Greenwell

You clutch a jammy dodger in each hand.
Now that you've gone to sleep in your high chair,
How can I hope to make you comprehend
Exactly why your mother wont be here
Come supper time? This mouldy bourbon cream
Is our debt mountain and the jaffa cake
Denotes the repossession of our home. T
he hob-nob you particularly like
Symbolises the pusher mum's pushed off
With and the ginger nuts, still in the tin
Because you find them rather tough,
Are all we've got to give the bailiff's men.
Shop-bought assortments used to be more fun,
But this is how the cookie crumbles, son.
Peter Wyton

A la Recherche du Temps Perdu?
Proust takes the biscuit. He speaks true.
Senility is most unkind.
Dunk Hob Nobs to restore your mind!
Sue Kruk

[Roger Slater]

Yay, John! And Bill.

But how many tea sets can one person use?

[Chris O'Carroll]

You write the winning biscuit verse,
The Oldie fattens up your purse,
And then -- with tea and cake -- your tummy.
Hooray! The poet's life is yummy.

[Roger Slater]

I though I would win, but then I stumbled.
That's the way the cookie crumbled.

PS--
oops, I forgot to congratulate Jayne and Peter. Nice job!

[FOsen]

John - You'd better lay off this competition - what with this and the Tesco coupons, we're getting worried about your nutrition.

Congratulations to Jayne, and to Bill and Peter, too.

editing in to say, Catherine T. wuz robbed!

Frank

[John Whitworth]

The tea set is mostly tea, which I drink, and cake which I eat with my wife. She finds the Yorkshire Tea a bit strong. I now have four mugs and two bloody huge drying up cloths. Or maybe they are small tablecloths. Haven't seen the Tesco vouchers. You can't trust these lefties, you know.

[Jayne Osborn]

Thanks, folks. It's great to get a 'mensh' but I hanker after that tea set. Must try harder!

Congrats to John, Peter and Bill; well done, guys.