[Chris O'Carroll]

Competition No 4296 asked for a love story involving some character from children's literature.

I don't think we'll be seeing any of the winning entries this week. The winners are Josh Ekroy (Tesco vouchers), Richard Nye, Gerard Benson, John Boaler, Sylvia Fairley, and Brian D. Allingham.

[Rob Stuart]

I'm sure Sylvia Fairley is Brian, no?

[Brian Allgar]

No, that's another Sylvia.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I was pretty confident that one (or even two) of my entries would win. But it looks like a mass lock-out for the Sphere. If I were the paranoid type ...

[Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead]

I was reasonably happy with mine, too; still, it's not the winning it's the taking part, eh, chaps? (Pause while making Muttley-sounding gnashing sound-effects....)

Rupert steps out!

It’s a fine summer day and Rupert is full of optimism. He’s been becoming especially fond of young Bill Badger for a while now and, with worrying signs of a badger cull about to begin, decides to visit his friend and talk his feelings through.

One day young Rupert paused before
His friend, Bill Badger’s, fine front door;
Said Rupert “It seems clear to me,
That Bill’s the one I want to see”.

Soon, Rupert and his badger chum
Are swapping scarves: will they succumb
To Cupid’s ever-piercing darts? Who knows:
Love’s light oft leads to sharing clothes.

Still Bill’s alarmed: he doesn’t want
An “Outing” in his homely haunt.
“I’m glad they haven’t culled you yet;
It’s best we stay inside your sett,”

Sobs Rupert and – avert your eyes –
While Nutwood’s yet to realise –
The Two are One, fast friends for aye;
We’ll pry no further for today.

[Rob Stuart]

Can we see them, Brian?

This was mine, for what it's worth.

Some years after Scarecrow had helped to defeat the Wicked Witch of the West, a nostalgic longing led him to return to Munchkin Country. There, in a field not unlike the one he had once called home, he happened upon a beautiful Lady Scarecrow with a head made of finest burlap and long, golden hair of the very best straw. Scarecrow instantly fell in love with her, as fairy tale characters will, and she with him.
‘Say that you'll be mine for ever!’ he cried.
‘I will, I will!’ she replied.
They pulled each other to the ground and rolled around amongst the cabbages, kissing passionately as they tore at one another’s tatty clothing.
Suddenly Scarecrow broke away from her.
‘What’s wrong?’ Lady Scarecrow asked.
‘What a chump I’ve been!’ he wailed. ‘Why the hell did I waste my only wish on asking the Wizard for a brain?’

[Brian Allgar]

I love the ending, Rob!

I hope that under the circumstances, Jayne won't complain if we post entries after the results have been announced; otherwise, we'll never see either the winners or the losers.

Here's a couple of mine, both no doubt too subversive for Vicky:

They’re frightfully shocked at Buckingham Palace -
Christopher Robin went down on Alice.
When he grows up, he’ll be joining the Guard;
“A soldier’s wotsit is terribly hard,”
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxSays Alice.

They're awfully shocked at Buckingham Palace -
Christopher Robin had sex with Alice.
They frolicked all day, but he never came.
"Well, I got a good seeing-to, all the same,"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxSays Alice.

They're dreadfully shocked at Buckingham Palace -
Christopher Robin’s besotted with Alice.
"Let’s do it again, with Pooh to make three."
"Why, certainly, dear, but it's time for tea,"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxSays Alice.

************************************************** ***********

Noddy was worried. Whenever he saw Tessie Bear, he found himself having naughty thoughts, especially about what might be under her little tartan skirt.

He consulted Mr Plod the Policeman, because he didn’t want to get into trouble again. “It’s called ‘love’, Noddy”, said Mr Plod. “Or maybe ‘lust’ - I’m not quite sure. Anyway, it’s very nasty, and completely against the law in Toyland.”

Noddy thought for a bit. Then he said, “What’s a truncheon for? Do you think I could get one?”

“Out of the question,” said Mr Plod. “It’s just a bit of wood, but only grown-ups are allowed to have them.”

Noddy scratched his head. “What happened to all the Golliwogs?” he asked.

“Oh, they had to be got rid of,” said Mr Plod. “They weren’t politically correct.”

Noddy didn’t understand this, so he went to cuddle up in bed with his friend. He really loved Big-Ears.

[Rob Stuart]

I love your Christopher Robin, Brian. It sounds familiar-a bit of recycling?

It is quite dirty, isn't it? Sadly there doesn't seem to be much of a market for this kind of risque light verse (light blue verse?) which is a great shame because I've produced oodles of it over the years and no sod wants it. If anyone knows of any appropriate organs (so to speak) for such material I would very much like to know about them.

[Jayne Osborn]

I hope that under the circumstances, Jayne won't complain if we post entries after the results have been announced;

I'm trying to cast my mind back to the time when I did say something to you on that subject, Brian, but I'm blowed if I can recall exactly what, when or why. (It may have had something to do with bumping old threads, I think.)

Anyway, regardless of what I said that may have prompted the post above, the Staggers' recent stance that posting your entries here constitutes "previously published" means that this is the only way we'll ever see Sphereans' entries, as you pointed out.

These are hilariously naughty and highly enjoyable. No complaints from me.

(Chris, just wondering... don't the winning entries appear on the thread whoever wrote them? Occasionally The Oldie has none of us on the page but the thread still shows all the prize-winners' poems.)

Jayne

[Chris O'Carroll]

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

(Chris, just wondering... don't the winning entries appear on the thread whoever wrote them? Occasionally The Oldie has none of us on the page but the thread still shows all the prize-winners' poems.)

Jayne

Maybe I’m being overly cautious.

I have an online NS subscription, so I could easily copy and paste all the winners every week. But in addition to being concerned about winning entries appearing here before they appeared in the magazine, Vicky was unhappy about my weekly post looking so much like the NS comp page. In her view, that contributed to the illusion that we were operating some kind of unauthorized copycat comp. So I’m trying out ways of conveying the basic comp information each week without replicating the magazine’s format. That’s why I haven’t been posting anybody’s winning entries in recent weeks, but rather asking ’Sphere members to post their own if they choose.

I’m also happy to have people share non-winning entries, and I’m glad that’s OK with you as well. (I think you did once upon a time ask Brian to refrain from such after-the-fact posts, on the grounds that there was ample opportunity here to share entries ahead of time. Now that there ain’t no such opportunity no more, I think you’re right to go with different ground rules.)