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  #11  
Unread 11-07-2019, 04:34 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi!

Thanks Andrew, Jan, Nemo, Mary, Cally. I'm glad you all liked it so much. Makes me very happy. Cally, it's always lovely when you pop up, and I'm basking in your comment, whilst trying not to take it too seriously. I love 'To His Coy Mistress'!

Susan - I do like the regular iambic pulse here. In a poem like my 'stolen wallet' one, for example, I might use more metrical variety, substitutions etc, to give that conversational tone. But this memory stream felt more trance-like and hypnotic than conversational.

Julie - I understand where you're coming from. There is a lot going on, isn't there? And I completely understand the inner fuddy-duddy. He dwells in me too.

Mary - I changed it back. I can't get rid of one of your favourite words, can I! I changed it to 'hilltops' originally in response to this comment from Andrew, which made sense to me

Quote:
a little narrative info: in “then midnight weaving past the tracks” could you insert the fact somehow that they’re now moving “above the town,” as the poem later says? That latter statement would feel more organic with a heads-up earlier on.
Perhaps there's another way to get this across, if its necessary. Does anyone think the poem would benefit from a little more narrative linearity there?

Thanks folks!

Edit: Made one tiny change to S2L4 (not in relation to the point above)
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  #12  
Unread 11-12-2019, 02:20 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Hi Mark. All well, I hope? I've popped back in primarily because I wanted to see what you and Matt were up to. There are others of interest too, of course, but at my back I always hear someone reminding me that stuff needs doing about the house. Or just reading and quality TV to catch up on.

Anyway, I caught up with Matt last night, and now I've caught up with you. It's fun. I like it. It has some of the headlong rush of, e.g., Bruce in his Born To Run years. Actually I think this would work well with Big Clarence on sax.

I do think, with others (but not many others, to be fair), that it's a little over-iambic. Does it trot, where it should gallop? Or just amble a little? I don't know. I do know I can be a little over-iambic myself.

Lots of lovely allusions. I got O Little Town of Bethlehem, and Marvell (a favourite of mine, too). And is that a Passionate Shepherd I see in S3? And Blake in S2? It's a rich and overpowering Christmas cake mix of allusions.

Having said that, the Christmas allusion itself seems oddly unsupported in the rest of the poem, but maybe I just missed it.

And nice, as ever, to spend some time in your poetic company. It's a poem that makes me want to draw my coat about me, plunge my hands into my pockets and mutter "the nights are drawing in".

Cheers. Happy Samhain, in fact!

David
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  #13  
Unread 11-13-2019, 07:34 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi David

Good to hear from you! All is well. And I'm sorry I've only managed to dip a toe into the Bohemian Coast. But I have fun lurking.

Glad you like it. Ha! I love a bit of Bruce. When he was in his 80s commercial pomp I was about 12 and me and my sister both loved "Dancing in the Dark". It was our party song. I bought The Wild, The Innocent and the E-Shuffle on cassette from Our Price with my pocket money, just because it was the cheapest of his in the shop, I think. It was very different. I think hearing songs like "Incident on 57th Street" in the dark of my bedroom was my first transportingly poetic experience. Clearly not much has changed in 35 years haha.

None of the allusions were conscious, though they're all things that have lodged in my head, so yes. I wasn't sure what you meant by the Blake, then remembered "Whose ears have heard the Holy Word". I wasn't even particularly thinking of Christmas; the phrase 'O little town' just sounded right as an affectionately rueful address to the small town.

Happy Samhain, indeed! 'Twas spooky fun round ours!

Cheers.
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  #14  
Unread 11-13-2019, 12:16 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Nah, you're doing well here. Got your own set of keys. Good to see.

"Dancing in the Dark" was a favourite disco song in the dodgy disco I used to frequent then. Born To Run is still the big Bruce album for me, though. Formative years, eh?

Good to read you again. I'll do it again.

Cheers

David
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  #15  
Unread 11-16-2019, 07:46 AM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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What I like about this is the rampant activity and sense of control, the concern with time and reactions. It's chemistry as science and as metaphor for agent of relationship that avoids explicit description of either. Both come across simultaneously. It's like a metaphorical astrological clock.


As for the mechanics, I think the tetrameter lines give the poem appropriate momentum.



RM
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  #16  
Unread 11-17-2019, 05:50 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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David - yep, I don't know how that happened. Make sure you stick around!

Rick - Thank you Rick! I'll treasure that description of one of my poems: "a metaphorical astrological clock".
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