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  #11  
Unread 06-30-2020, 10:32 AM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Hi Daniel,

Since I was the guy who originally pointed out the identical rhymes, and having read the discussion so far about the topic, I've been thinking a bit more about it. And then I just thought of this poem by Yeats, which intentionally uses identical rhymes to achieve a particular effect. I'm sure you're familiar with this poem.

Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
W. B. Yeats - 1865-1939

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
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  #12  
Unread 06-30-2020, 08:21 PM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Hi Martin,

What a gem! I was not familiar with that poem. Thank you for posting it.

I guess the biggest detriment of the identical rhymes in the poem is that they distracted from I'd hoped would be noticed as the most fun (to me, at least) feature of the poem:

It's circularity--It IS the note that was left.

The strong hint with the culminating item left on the bed set apart by enjambment is supported by the title. (There's a little "warp-y" logic in POV that way, but I did, in fact, write it for my current girlfriend.)
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  #13  
Unread 06-30-2020, 09:21 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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I see what you mean, Daniel, about the circularity and the note.

By the way, I was wondering if maybe “covers” could be replaced with “bedclothes” or “blanket” or ”bedspread” for the alliteration with “bodies.”

and on / the bedclothes flipped by bodies now withdrawn

I bet this rondeau will delight your girlfriend.
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  #14  
Unread 07-01-2020, 01:33 AM
Max Goodman Max Goodman is offline
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Minority opinion for what it's worth: the first line strikes me as a cliche. It's refreshing that the details that follow are surprisingly pleasant.

"austere yet lush" is less interesting than the specific details it evaluates.

"And left" confuses me. I take it to mean "And then you left" but there's no "you" in the previous sentence and no action that "you" did. It might mean "And this was left" but the previous sentence only implies, without stating, that things were done with this.

This rest is closely observed and strong.

I'm glad others don't seem to stumble through as I do.
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  #15  
Unread 07-01-2020, 05:17 AM
W T Clark W T Clark is offline
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Hi Daniel,
I didn't notice the identical rhymes until I read through the comments. A testament to your skill! Though on second thoughts I don't think any harm would be done if you rhymed on with upon.

I enjoyed the second half especially and thought the poem overall was a success at getting across the N's emotional state. The first line skirts cliché (Donne's The Apparition did this, and probably more, but I can't think of any more) and the "what's going on?" is a little unexpected but justified, and I am fond of the day = year metaphor, so keep it.
The line "and warm. But you are there and I am here." I think is the worst. The (accidental?) rhyme between dawn and warm is over kill, and warm offers nothing new, surely a better word could be found? You are there and I am here is a nice counter to the pleasant day, but again, a little bit too well-worn. A more interesting statement on the same lines would serve the poem better.

Still, a fine poem, I enjoyed reading!
Hope this helps.
Cameron

Last edited by W T Clark; 07-01-2020 at 05:19 AM.
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  #16  
Unread 07-01-2020, 03:18 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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I like the parallelism between “light and crisp,” “clear and soft,” but I’m not quite sure about “dawn and warm” since “dawn” is not an adjective while “warm” is. Is there something else you can say in place of “warm”? Yes, I thought of this after I read Cameron’s comments.

Regarding Max’s confusion about “and left,” I think it’s a passive verb in the sense of “She has left these items (tea, toast, and avocado) on the plate. On the other hand, the “clink” and the “crunch” (I like the aural imagery) make it seem like someone is or was clinking and crunching (the tea and toast). So maybe that explains Max’s confusion.
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  #17  
Unread 07-01-2020, 10:50 PM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Martin
[“bedclothes” or “blanket” or ”bedspread”] -I'm pondering. Just tested a couple changes. Will run something by this next.


##
Max
[cliche]. [ refreshing ... surprisingly pleasant.] a set-up, perhaps

["And left"] "And left behind" - the remnants of food and a fleeting doubt in the beloved's mind, "Am I left behind"?

[stumble] There's one in every crowd; it was your turn. LOL

WT Clark
Hi Daniel,
I'm nervous about "upon" not for the sound but for the full stop it introduces. But I might yet try it out. Oddly, I think the discomfort comes more for the visual read than the auditory, even though it would be an auditory effect.

["and warm"] testing something out.

Thank you for all your props and crits, Cameron

martin again
I like your analysis of the forces in play for the tough spot. I think the parallelism has a little more power than I thought it would- its force continues further into the poem that I'd have thought.

A lot going on. Thank you for all your contributions.
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  #18  
Unread 07-01-2020, 11:30 PM
Max Goodman Max Goodman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daniel Kemper View Post
Max
[cliche]. [ refreshing ... surprisingly pleasant.] a set-up, perhaps
Fair enough, but FWIW, you don't need a cliche to set up a surprise. A fresh way of saying the speaker misses his partner would serve that purpose.
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  #19  
Unread 07-07-2020, 08:21 PM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Martin- testing out "bedding". I really liked bedclothes for the continuation of theme of clothes being off... but "clothes" is morpheme-dense and diluted the alliteration. Let's see how it plays... Thanks for your careful read and thoughtful notes.

Hey Max: True enough. Tough to get it all in. Thanks for staying with one. i ponder stuff a lot more than the notes on the board might otherwise indicate.
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