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01-16-2025, 03:40 PM
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Devil’s Bargain
(1,233 words) Devil’s Bargain
Maria had just put a casserole in the oven when her daughter, school laptop in hand, slipped by her, headed purposefully toward the front door.
“Where do you think you’re going, Emily? Dinner is going to be ready in forty-five minutes.”
“I’m going to Julie’s to study for midterm exams. I figured I’d spend the night there since there’s no school tomorrow.”
“That might have been possible if you had asked earlier. I need to talk to Julie’s mom or dad to make sure they are on board with it and that at least one of them is going to be there.”
“But Mom, we have all these tests to get ready for.”
“I can call Julie’s mom and see if Julie wants to come over here to study. We have plenty of food. I’ll invite her for dinner.”
“No, Mom. Why are you so . . .”
“. . .so what? So suspicious that you have no intention of studying? That you and Julie are planning to have a little party with your boyfriends while her parents are out?”
Found out, Emily dumped her laptop on the counter and stomped upstairs to call Julie about their scuttled scheme. Maria had just put the lettuce in the spinner when her husband, Jack, came in and kissed her neck.
“Nice catch, darling. Not much gets past you.”
“So far she hasn’t tried to get away with anything I didn’t try when I was her age. But she’s getting cleverer.”
Jack spread some papers on the kitchen table and handed Maria a pen. “I got these from the agency today. Are you sure you want to do it?”
Without reading the papers, Maria signed and initialed in the proper places. She assembled the pages and put them on the counter next to Emily’s laptop, then returned to fixing the salad. Jack knew her moods well enough not to say anything. He and Maria would conceive a child—a fetus, actually—which would be removed from Maria’s womb before birth and kept alive and unconscious to provide organs for transplants into the bodies of the First Class. Their fetus might provide a cornea for the child of an oligarch’s whose eye was damaged by the Plague of 2046. Or it might give a kidney, lung, or heart. Perhaps it would give brain tissue to cure Parkinson’s disease in the oligarch’s father. Jack went back into the family room and turned on the news to distract himself.
Maria and Jack had conceived a donor fetus twice before. The payout had been too tempting to resist. Their first had provided a sum that had enabled them to make the down payment on their house, to purchase two new cars—a sedan and an SUV, and to have enough financial security to conceive Emily. Two years after Emily’s birth, Maria conceived another donor fetus to get the startup money Jack needed to cut himself loose from the company he worked for and to create his own company. If they could earn the minimum requirement for membership, currently $14.6 million, his family would be able to enter the First Class. Now Jack’s company needed an infusion of cash in order to hire more employees and upgrade equipment and software to stay competitive.
Emily walked in and sat down on the couch next to Jack.
“What are these papers, Dad?” Her tone of voice made clear that she had looked through the papers and had an idea of what they were about.
“Give me those, Emily.” As the seconds passed and Jack did not answer her question, Emily’s face began melting into tears. She dropped the papers onto the couch next to Jack. Several pages fell to the floor.
Maria came into the family room. “Dinner is almost ready. Emily, would you set the table?” Maria took in the scene, seeing the stricken look on Jack’s face, Emily’s tears, and the papers strewn on the couch and floor, and her heart sank. She had hoped never to have to tell Emily about what she and Jack had done. Now her sins had found her out. Part of her wanted to insist that she had done nothing illegal. Another part of her, seeing her daughter’s distress and confusion, felt deep shame and regret. The dates of conception and delivery of the donor fetuses, their genders, and the dollar amounts paid were listed in the papers. Emily had seen everything.
“How could you do it?” Emily’s tears were giving way to self-righteous anger. “They were your children. They were my sister and brother. And now you’re going to do it again?”
“We did it for you, Emily.” Maria’s face was pale but her voice was steady. “To give you a better life. Do you know what life is like for most Second Class children? Whole families living in a 500-square-foot tenement apartment? Unemployment over 20 percent? Not having enough money to afford things like the chicken in tonight’s dinner or the shoes you bought yesterday?”
“How can you put a price tag on your own family? What made you keep me? Why didn’t you cash me in for spare parts, too? How many dollars could you have gotten for me?”
“You have no idea of the sacrifices your father and I made for you, or any appreciation for them. We are not going to continue this discussion.”
“Oh, we are having this discussion. I want to know, did you think about selling me? What made me worth keeping?”
“Why don’t you ask your father? You can continue your discussion with him. Dinner is in the oven. Eat it or don’t. I’m getting out of here.”
As she backed out of the garage, Maria almost hit one of her neighbors who was walking his dog in the thickening twilight. She didn’t stop. She drove away as fast and as far as she could, with no thought of looking or going back.
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Edits:
§1: Maria had just put dinner, a chicken casserole, in the oven when her daughter, Emily, walked through the kitchen with her school laptop, headed for the front door. Maria noted her determined look and her avoidance of eye contact. > Maria had just put a casserole in the oven when her daughter slipped by her, school laptop in hand, headed purposefully toward the front door.
§2: Sweetie > Emily
§9: The look on Emily’s face revealed that had been exactly what she had planned to do. She dumped her laptop on the counter and stomped up the stairs to her room to call Julie and tell her their plans had been scuttled. Maria chopped and washed lettuce and had just put it in the salad spinner when her husband, Jack, entered the kitchen and kissed the side of her neck.> Found out, Emily dumped her laptop on the counter and stomped upstairs to call Julie about their scuttled scheme. Maria had just put the lettuce in the spinner when her husband, Jack, came in and kissed her neck.
§13: Jack knew her well enough > Jack knew her moods well enough
§13: [add] He and Maria would conceive a child—a fetus, actually—which would be removed from Maria’s womb before birth and kept alive and unconscious to provide organs for transplants into the bodies of the First Class. Their fetus might provide a cornea for the child of an oligarch whose eye was damaged by the Plague of 2046. Or it might give a kidney, lung, or heart. Perhaps it would give brain tissue to cure Parkinson’s disease in the oligarch’s father.
§14: a Catholic priest > [delete]
§14: The television screen showed a huge demonstration in Washington, D.C. by Right to Life activists. Their spokesperson had just been interviewed by a reporter who was now recapping the legal history of the rights of the unborn and newborn in a suave baritone: > [delete]
§15: “In 1973, Roe v Wade permitted ending the life of a fetus at the will of the mother. Almost fifty years later in 2022, the Dobbs decision reversed Roe, allowing states to pass laws against abortion. In 2048 the Supreme Court reversed itself again with the Walton decision, which permitted citizens of the Second Class to sell their fetus or newborn infant to medical providers who would harvest organs for use in transplants for First Class citizens, provided that the donor fetus or newborn had never experienced consciousness.” > [delete]
§16: He knew all this and was > [delete]
§16: Jack, preoccupied with his own issues, was not listening. He and Maria, by signing the papers and returning them to the agency, would agree to conceive a child. A fetus, actually. The fetus would be harvested, either before or immediately after birth, and kept in a medically induced coma until one of its body parts was needed by one of the three percent of the population enrolled in the wealthy First Class. The Supreme Court had allowed this after pressure had been applied by the First Class to provide organs for their family members who had been damaged by the Plague of 2046 or who needed organ transplants in their pursuit of immortality. Maria and Jack’s fetus might be used to provide a cornea, a kidney, a lung, or a heart for the child of an unimaginably wealthy oligarch, or to provide brain tissue to cure Parkinson’s disease in the oligarch’s father. > [delete]
§17: If he could earn > If they could earn
§19: “What are these papers about, Dad?” > “What are these papers, Dad?”
Last edited by Glenn Wright; 02-10-2025 at 02:48 AM.
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01-22-2025, 05:03 AM
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Hi Glenn,
I think you have the basis for a good story here, although I have a bit of disconnect with the setting seeming so contemporary though being set far into the future. As a nit, I like the dialogue more than the narrative, which seems wordy. I wonder what you would think of condensing it. Here is an example by showing compressions to the narrative sections on either side of the first dialogue lines:
[quote=Glenn Wright;503470] (1,233 words) Devil’s Bargain
Maria had just put dinner, a chicken casserole, into the oven when her daughter, Emily, walked through the kitchen with her school laptop in hand, headed toward the front door. Maria noted her determined look and her avoidance of eye contact.
Or?
Maria had just put a chicken casserole in the oven. Emily walked in, school laptop in hand, headed determinedly toward the front door.
“Where do you think you’re going, Sweetie? Dinner is going to be ready in forty-five minutes.”
“I’m going to Julie’s to study for midterm exams. I figured I’d spend the night there since there’s no school tomorrow.”
“That might have been possible if you had asked earlier. I need to talk to Julie’s mom or dad to make sure they are on board with it and that at least one of them is going to be there.”
“But Mom, we have all these tests to get ready for.”
“I can call Julie’s mom and see if Julie wants to come over here to study. We have plenty of food. I’ll invite her for dinner.”
“No, Mom. Why are you so . . .”
“. . .so what? So suspicious that you have no intention of studying? That you and Julie are planning to have a little party with your boyfriends while her parents are out?”
The look on Emily’s face revealed that had been exactly what she had planned to do. She dumped her laptop on the counter and stomped up the stairs to her room to call Julie and tell her their plans had been scuttled. Maria chopped and washed lettuce and had just put it in the salad spinner when her husband, Jack, entered the kitchen and kissed the side of her neck.
Or?
Found out, Emily dumped her laptop on the counter and stomped back upstairs to call Julie about the scuttled plan. Maria was closing the lettuce in the salad spinner when Jack came in and kissed her neck.
All the best,
Jim
Last edited by Jim Ramsey; 01-22-2025 at 06:45 AM.
Reason: give paragraph at least two sentences
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01-23-2025, 01:18 AM
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Hi, Jim—
Thanks for taking time to provide such thoughtful and thorough comments. They are very helpful. Your advice to compress the narrative exposition is excellent. I used the two passages you re-worked almost verbatim. I especially liked the echo in §9 where Emily is “found out” and §21 where Maria’s sins “find her out.”
I take your point about the setting seeming more contemporary than futuristic. I toyed with the idea of having Jack watch the news with VR glasses, or having dinner delivered by drones, but ultimately concluded that these details would be more distracting than convincing. This is at least partly a reflection of my lack of interest and expertise in cutting edge technology. I envisioned the story taking place about 25 years in the future after another plague and a Constitutional crisis resulting in the establishment of two classes of citizens with unequal rights. I wanted the reader to consider these details as they connect to currents in modern American politics.
I also wanted the reader to consider a moral-ethical dilemma. Most abortion-themed stories also deal with the related issue of gender equality. I deliberately side-stepped this topic for several reasons. First, I am male, and if you will pardon a tasteless pun, I have less skin in the game of childbirth than a woman does, so my championing any viewpoint on the issue of abortion would be an unwarranted appropriation. Second, I am a father and grandfather, so I am able to bring my experience and considered opinions on parenting into the discussion. Third, I am a Catholic struggling with this and related issues, so I wanted to choose a single family’s moral dilemma to study in order to avoid confusion with other doctrinal or theological considerations.
The three characters represent three different approaches to the moral dilemma under consideration.
Jack approaches the problem of abortion by refusing to take responsibility for the decision. He seems like a considerate husband. He asks Maria, “Are you sure you want to do it?” On the surface, he appears to be an enlightened, respectful partner, but in fact, he is neatly shoving responsibility for the decision onto Maria. Maria’s refusal to answer and her silence when she signs the papers suggests her awareness and resentment of this at some level.
Emily passionately espouses an overly simplistic opinion because she does not have experience or knowledge of adult considerations. At some level, too, she may be enjoying her claim of moral superiority to the dishonest mother who just gave her a distasteful lesson in honesty.
Maria is the only character who actually engages in a moral struggle. She seems to have made her decision, but she is not comfortable with it and is badly shaken by her realization of how her daughter sees her. Her instinct is to run away, but the story leaves open the possibility that she will reconsider her decision after seeing how it has damaged her relationships with Jack and Emily.
I appreciate your generosity, Jim, and your efforts to help me improve the story.
Glenn
Last edited by Glenn Wright; 01-23-2025 at 01:53 AM.
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01-30-2025, 02:27 PM
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Hi Glenn,
a slice of sci-fi, but does the science stand up? Or the economics? Not sure.
I think you could cut everything before
Jack spread some papers on the kitchen table and handed Maria a pen. “I got these from the agency today. Are you sure you want to do it?”
(and by the way, was Jack hiding somewhere that he could hear the 'party' exchange? It didn't seem like he'd got home yet. Also, how many things can Maria 'just put' in/on?)
The television screen showed a huge demonstration in Washington, D.C. by Right to Life activists.
I know this it to provide context, but since you don't say what year this is happening in it just looks too blatant an information dump so comes across as clunky. I don't know how old Julie is supposed to be (though maybe it's obvious to an American) but clearly this has been going on for at least that long, and it would be remarkable to think that M & J were early adopters, so it must have been quite some time before their decision, say twenty-five to thirty years ago? That's close to two generations. Julie's reaction just doesn't make sense to me.
The payout had been too tempting to resist.
You've 'tempting' and later 'sin', deliberate? And, in the circumstances is tempting the right word. What other avenues were available to people in their position to raise that sort of money?
and to have enough financial security to conceive Emily.
Seems at odds with 'tempting'.
If he could earn the minimum requirement for membership, currently $14.6 million,
Surely it's 'they could earn' as he's hardly the sole breadwinner? And that amount doesn't seem anywhere near large enough.
I don't see the logic of the third pregnancy. If Jack's company needs a 'cash injection' then how can it wait for however long the gestation period will be? And, given that he has assets by this stage why isn't he going to a bank?
“What are these papers about, Dad?” Her tone of voice made clear that she had looked through the papers and had an idea of what they were about.
Two 'abouts' aren't helping here.
Emily’s face began melting into tears.
Here's where I get lost. It seems like she has no idea about how the world in which she lives works. This 'trade' is hardly clandestine (given the demonstration on TV) and the notion that she wouldn't have come across the issue before seems hard to swallow.
Now her sins had found her out.
What sins? The only hint of religion is in the TV broadcast, and the title, of course.
In your reply to Jim you describe Maria as a 'dishonest mother'. How so?
“How could you do it?” Emily’s tears were giving way to self-righteous anger.
Can't argue with the 'self-righteous' part, but what is she actually complaining about?
This?
“They were your children. They were my sister and brother. And now you’re going to do it again?”
The idea's intriguing. I'm just not sold on the execution here.
RG.
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01-30-2025, 04:37 PM
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Hi, Richard—
Thanks for your helpful comments.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard G
Hi Glenn,
a slice of sci-fi, but does the science stand up? Or the economics? Not sure.
I think you could cut everything before
Jack spread some papers on the kitchen table and handed Maria a pen. “I got these from the agency today. Are you sure you want to do it?”
The purpose of the opening scene is to establish the theme of dishonesty. M catches E in a lie, and then E catches M in a bigger lie.
(and by the way, was Jack hiding somewhere that he could hear the 'party' exchange? It didn't seem like he'd got home yet. Also, how many things can Maria 'just put' in/on?)
Jack was in the family room and overheard most of the exchanges between M and E. In §13, it says “He went back into the family room and turned on the news.”
The television screen showed a huge demonstration in Washington, D.C. by Right to Life activists.
I know this it to provide context, but since you don't say what year this is happening in it just looks too blatant an information dump so comes across as clunky.
Yes, this was a rather graceless hunk of exposition. Any suggestions about how to weave it in more skillfully? The only thing I can think of would be to reproduce parts of the paperwork explaining what M and J are signing up for, but that doesn’t really strike me as an improvement.
I don't know how old Julie is supposed to be (though maybe it's obvious to an American) but clearly this has been going on for at least that long, and it would be remarkable to think that M & J were early adopters, so it must have been quite some time before their decision, say twenty-five to thirty years ago? That's close to two generations. Julie's reaction just doesn't make sense to me.
I’m envisioning Julie as being about fifteen years old. If M and J got married in their early twenties and had their first donor fetus right away, they would be in their late thirties—still in the childbearing years.
The payout had been too tempting to resist.
You've 'tempting' and later 'sin', deliberate? And, in the circumstances is tempting the right word. What other avenues were available to people in their position to raise that sort of money?
I’m imagining a continuation of the current trend in which the middle class is hollowed out and two economic classes—legally established as economic castes —have been created. The oligarch First Class is composed of those whose personal worth exceeds $14.6 million. The lower Second Class has been deprived of opportunities and social welfare programs, making entry into the First Class rare and difficult. Perhaps a Second Class person with unusual and exceptional skill (an actor or inventor, for example) could make the move, but for unexceptional people, donor fetuses might be the only way available.
If he could earn the minimum requirement for membership, currently $14.6 million,
Surely it's 'they could earn” as he's hardly the sole breadwinner? And that amount doesn't seem anywhere near large enough.
Good idea to change “he could earn” to “they could earn.” I chose $14.6 million as the amount that roughly 3% of households could be expected to have in 2050 given expected inflation.
I don't see the logic of the third pregnancy. If Jack's company needs a 'cash injection' then how can it wait for however long the gestation period will be? And, given that he has assets by this stage why isn't he going to a bank? M might already be pregnant. In the future society, I’m supposing that Second Class citizens would have difficulty securing loans, and that even those with considerable collateral might be required to pay crippling rates of interest..
“What are these papers about, Dad?” Her tone of voice made clear that she had looked through the papers and had an idea of what they were about.
Two 'abouts' aren't helping here. Yes. The first one is unnecessary.
Emily’s face began melting into tears.
Here's where I get lost. It seems like she has no idea about how the world in which she lives works. This 'trade' is hardly clandestine (given the demonstration on TV) and the notion that she wouldn't have come across the issue before seems hard to swallow. If she is fifteen, E surely knows the legal and biological basics involving donor fetuses. It has simply never occurred to her that her parents might have used this method of creating wealth. It certainly would not be something her parents would have voluntarily revealed to her.
Now her sins had found her out.
What sins? The only hint of religion is in the TV broadcast, and the title, of course.
Although not explicitly stated, the name “Maria” was chosen to suggest that M had a Catholic upbringing (and to play ironically with the Virgin Mary). In §9 E’s dishonesty is “found out” and §21, M’s “sins found her out.”
In your reply to Jim you describe Maria as a 'dishonest mother'. How so?
M has concealed from her daughter the fact that she has sold two fetuses as donors, and she feels guilty and conflicted about having done it.
“How could you do it?” Emily’s tears were giving way to self-righteous anger.
Can't argue with the 'self-righteous' part, but what is she actually complaining about?
E is shocked and dismayed to discover what her mother has done, and it occurs to her that she might have been sold as a donor fetus if her birth order had been different. At another level, she is able to clutch her pearls and claim moral superiority over her mother, who has just chastised her for dishonesty.
This?
“They were your children. They were my sister and brother. And now you’re going to do it again?”
The idea's intriguing. I'm just not sold on the execution here.
Do you have a suggestion to clarify what you find troublesome here?
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I appreciate your time and thoughtful critiques.
Glenn
Last edited by Glenn Wright; 02-01-2025 at 01:34 PM.
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01-31-2025, 07:47 AM
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Hi Glenn.
Do you have a suggestion to clarify what you find troublesome here?
I think you need to get some of your explanations (world building) onto the page, you're leaving a lot for the reader, and I'm not sure that pays off.
The purpose of the opening scene is to establish the theme of dishonesty. M catches E in a lie, and then E catches M in a bigger lie.
My problem is that I don't see anything that Maria does as dishonest.
M has concealed from her daughter the fact that she has sold two fetuses as donors,
Has she? Or has she simply not told a fifteen year old girl something that is, arguably, none of her business?
As you yourself said: "It certainly would not be something her parents would have voluntarily revealed to her."
and she feels guilty and conflicted about having done it.
But why?
For me there's a chasm between concealed and voluntarily revealed.
that M had a Catholic upbringing (and to play ironically with the Virgin Mary). In §9 E’s dishonesty is “found out” and §21, M’s “sins found her out.”
Having a Catholic upbringing, and being a Catholic aren't the same thing. And, if she is Lapsed or otherwise, what sins? You could add a small detail somewhere to establish she's still religious, have here fingering the cross around her neck or something, but my question would then be where is the Church in this tale? I can't imagine the Pope sitting idly by, and yet there's none of that here. (Build the world.) And if she is religious, how does the ending work? Her considering not coming back?
I’m supposing that Second Class citizens would have difficulty securing loans, and that even those with considerable collateral might be required to pay crippling rates of interest..
That being so (and it seems plausible) how does 'tempted' work? It can hardly be called tempting is it's the only practical route available.
Yes, this was a rather graceless hunk of exposition. Any suggestions about how to weave it in more skilfully? The only thing I can think of would be to reproduce parts of the paperwork explaining what M and J are signing up for, but that doesn’t really strike me as an improvement.
Re-reading that section again today I think you can simply cut it entirely, as in
Jack spread some papers on the kitchen table and handed Maria a pen. “I got these from the agency today. Are you sure you want to do it?”
Maria took the pen and, without reading them, signed and initialed in the proper places. She assembled the pages and put them on the counter next to Emily’s laptop, then returned to fixing the salad. Jack knew her moods well enough not to say anything. He went back to the family room and turned on the news.
Maria and Jack had conceived a donor fetus twice before. The payout had been too tempting to resist. Their first had provided a sum that had enabled them to make the down payment on their house, to purchase two new cars—a sedan and an SUV, and to have enough financial security to conceive Emily. Two years after Emily’s birth, Maria conceived another donor fetus to get the startup money Jack needed to cut himself loose from the company he worked for and to create his own company. If he could earn the minimum requirement for membership, currently $14.6 million, his family would be able to enter the First Class. Now Jack’s company needed an infusion of cash in order to hire more employees and upgrade equipment and software to stay competitive.
You could rephrase some of this last paragraph, but all the details are here. Oh, and surely it takes two to conceive?
RG
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01-31-2025, 01:55 PM
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Hi, Richard—
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard G
The purpose of the opening scene is to establish the theme of dishonesty. M catches E in a lie, and then E catches M in a bigger lie.
My problem is that I don't see anything that Maria does as dishonest.
But Emily sees it as dishonest, and Maria has mixed feelings about her decision.
M has concealed from her daughter the fact that she has sold two fetuses as donors,
Has she? Or has she simply not told a fifteen year old girl something that is, arguably, none of her business?
Emily, with all the self-righteousness of youth, sees her mother as having killed two fetuses who should have been her brother and sister. She also wonders, understandably, how her parents could sell them for money, and wonders if she would have been sold if her birth order had been different. I can see how she thinks it is her business.
and she feels guilty and conflicted about having done it.
But why?
Feeling is first. Explanations come later. Maria, perhaps because of her upbringing, feels guilt. Then she tries to rationalize it to herself by telling herself that her actions were legal. But legal doesn’t mean right. She really doesn’t have a good answer to Emily’s question about whether she would have sold Emily for spare parts, and when confronted with that accusation, she runs. Her behavior seems understandable and convincing to me.
For me there's a chasm between concealed and voluntarily revealed.
I think her heart sinking when she realizes Emily knows her secret shows that Maria understands why her actions are potentially objectionable.
that M had a Catholic upbringing (and to play ironically with the Virgin Mary). In §9 E’s dishonesty is “found out” and §21, M’s “sins found her out.”
Having a Catholic upbringing, and being a Catholic aren't the same thing.
Our moral compasses are mostly formed in our youth. Maria would not have to be a practicing Catholic to feel conflicted about a decision that as a child, she was taught was murder.
And, if she is Lapsed or otherwise, what sins? You could add a small detail somewhere to establish she's still religious, have here fingering the cross around her neck or something, but my question would then be where is the Church in this tale? I can't imagine the Pope sitting idly by, and yet there's none of that here. (Build the world.) And if she is religious, how does the ending work? Her considering not coming back?
I don’t imagine Maria as actively Catholic at all. She was able to abort two of her offspring. I also don’t want to drag the Catholic Church into the story. It would be too easy to make the Church the villain or hero in this narrative, and I do not want that to be the focus. I originally had a priest as the Right to Life spokesperson, and removed him for that reason. I want this to be about Maria and the decisions that she—not the Church—is responsible for. You may not see any problem in her actions, but Maria does (and I suspect many other readers do, too.)
I’m supposing that Second Class citizens would have difficulty securing loans, and that even those with considerable collateral might be required to pay crippling rates of interest..
That being so (and it seems plausible) how does 'tempted' work? It can hardly be called tempting is it's the only practical route available.
Maybe it’s tempting precisely because it is legal. Bank robbery, kidnapping, and insurance fraud might be less tempting for that reason.
Yes, this was a rather graceless hunk of exposition. Any suggestions about how to weave it in more skilfully? The only thing I can think of would be to reproduce parts of the paperwork explaining what M and J are signing up for, but that doesn’t really strike me as an improvement.
Re-reading that section again today I think you can simply cut it entirely, as in
Jack spread some papers on the kitchen table and handed Maria a pen. “I got these from the agency today. Are you sure you want to do it?”
Maria took the pen and, without reading them, signed and initialed in the proper places. She assembled the pages and put them on the counter next to Emily’s laptop, then returned to fixing the salad. Jack knew her moods well enough not to say anything. He went back to the family room and turned on the news.
Maria and Jack had conceived a donor fetus twice before. The payout had been too tempting to resist. Their first had provided a sum that had enabled them to make the down payment on their house, to purchase two new cars—a sedan and an SUV, and to have enough financial security to conceive Emily. Two years after Emily’s birth, Maria conceived another donor fetus to get the startup money Jack needed to cut himself loose from the company he worked for and to create his own company. If he could earn the minimum requirement for membership, currently $14.6 million, his family would be able to enter the First Class. Now Jack’s company needed an infusion of cash in order to hire more employees and upgrade equipment and software to stay competitive.You could rephrase some of this last paragraph, but all the details are here.
I think this is very good advice. Readers choke on such a big mouthful of exposition, and I don’t think many of the details I include are really necessary. In fact, they distract from my main thrust—the rightness or wrongness of Maria and Jack’s actions. I’ll rework these paragraphs.
Oh, and surely it takes two to conceive?
Yes, biologically it takes two. But legally, the courts have had a hard time making the daddies take responsibility for their progeny. And women bear a disproportionate share of society’s censure in matters of abortion and out-of-wedlock conception. Jack is written in a way that shows his unwillingness to take responsibility and his eagerness to make the decision Maria’s problem.
RG
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Thanks for your thoughts. It is very helpful to be able to bounce the story off a perceptive reader.
Glenn
Last edited by Glenn Wright; 01-31-2025 at 01:59 PM.
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02-01-2025, 07:58 AM
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Hi Glenn,
quick question: If M&J have been planning this for a while did they give no thought to the fact that E might notice her mother's pregnancy, and then the subsequent lack of sibling?
RG.
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02-01-2025, 01:18 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2024
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 563
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Hi, Richard
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard G
If M&J have been planning this for a while did they give no thought to the fact that E might notice her mother's pregnancy, and then the subsequent lack of sibling?
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In my first version, I went for extra shock value by supposing that full-term babies could be offered for sale as donors. After the trimming you suggested, I supposed that technology would have advanced to the extent that a first or second trimester fetus could be extracted from the womb before the mother began to show. I imagined that the fetus could be kept alive and growing á la Brave New World, so I deleted the reference to “newborn” donors. The premise of my story is similar to that of Ursula LeGuin’s short story, “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas:” What if there were a society that could live in blissful comfort only by sacrificing the life and happiness of a single child?
Last edited by Glenn Wright; 02-01-2025 at 01:27 PM.
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