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  #11  
Old 09-23-2018, 09:43 PM
John Jeffrey John Jeffrey is offline
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I like this. Always appreciate humor in a poem. It's just too damn rare.

And, normally, I'd be quite bothered by "costume" as an end-of-line trochee--especially in such a tightly-metered poem--but because it's in a line refering to "retrograde" costumes, it works for me. It fits.

My only suggestion is stanza 7. The other stanzas do a good job of saving the punch for the final line, but the punch in S7 is L2 (more so considering how the poem ends), which then makes L3 feels a bit tacked on.
Consider now this fly
Which has no wish to die,
The same as you and I;
I would suggest flipping the last two lines; something like,
Consider now this fly
Which, same as you and I,
has no wish to die;
I'd also end with a comma rather than a semicolon in order to better connect S7 and S8, though that one feels more like preference. Still, I thought I'd throw it out there.

--John J
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  #12  
Old 09-24-2018, 12:56 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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I don’t murder flies if I can help it. Even when I squash a mosquito, I feel sorry about it.

I like the poem, and I think the revision of the last stanza is better. The changes of direction are amusingly surprising.

It’s true that “costume” is a trochee, but I can pronounce it as an iamb if I wish.
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  #13  
Old 10-01-2018, 12:23 AM
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R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
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I would think that "costume" is similar to "romance" as far as where the stress falls. Most would pronounce "romance" as an iamb, but in the South it sounds more like a trochee.

Romance novels, all the rage,
Burst a bodice on each page,
Candlelight in gilded rooms
With a heap of torn costumes.
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  #14  
Old 10-01-2018, 07:12 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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...or the way we Southerners elide, a dactyl...


--I still can't say or write any word that has a short vowel and ends in 're' as a single syllable (e.g.)

wire = WI - er and fire = FI - er...
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