[Matt Q]

Hi John,

I much prefer "changed to" over "changed by". The latter could entail a slight alteration. The former is far more dramatic, a transformation, the change more total.


Matt

[John Riley]

It's clear not that one spot is here to drive me crazy. But I'm maintaining my cool.

Thanks, John and Matt. I need the right word--the only word--no French--and have to wait for it. I know I've changed it too often and I need to stop reacting and let it stew. Try to stop thinking about it. I don't mean I don't value the help. The help has made me realize what I need to do. Thanks.

[John Riley]

I made another attempt to make that line work. I like the sound and the simplicity of this one.

[Matt Q]

Hi John,

I don't think that "a hush" quite works for me: I like the alliteration with "hearing", but "hush" seems maybe too positive to me, too tranquil, and is sometimes associated (e.g. "a hush came over the crowd") with a sense of wonder or awe even something spiritual. Still, maybe that's what you intend?

It also seems maybe a slightly odd construction, in effect: "the night was a hush". Could just be me though.

Maybe there's a double read intended, and I guess I could imagine the angry ones also "hushing" in the sense of "to make someone/others be quiet": the angry ones were engaged in hushing their world, plus their night was silent, hushed. If intended, that might be more apparent if "a hush" were "hushed", though likely that doesn't sound as good.

"upset" seems a fair bit weaker than "angry". I'd stick with angry.

I still quite like just "that their night has been changed / to ...".

In the construction, "their night has been changed", do you need "been"? Do you want it to emphasise agency? It hasn't just changed, but someone has changed it. But I wonder if it's needed. Maybe it makes the line a little wordier than it needs to be, or maybe I just like the more iambic feel that comes from dropping it. I dunno. I'm on the fence really.

I did also wonder about "their night has changed from nothing / to hearing ...". It has nice sounds, if nothing else. But likely not what you want to say.

best,

Matt

[Matt Q]

[double post]

[John Riley]

Thanks, Matt

[John Boddie]

John -

Consider replacing "changed" with "turned", possibly "has been turned from peaceful quiet".

JB

[annie nance]

I agree with John B. "Changed" is weak. The images you provide are very cool. I like the idea of the poem. But for me it's way to wordy, especially that last stanza.

Others, of course, are upset
that their night has been changed from a hush
to hearing the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.

Others are angry;
the hush of night disturbed
by the rise of this wingless song

Maybe something like that?

[Mark McDonnell]

John, I like the latest revision very much. I think the alliteration of “night has been changed from a hush / to hearing” provides a lovely moment of held breath at the line break. I have no problem with the word “changed”. It is a big word. If we asked someone how something affected them and they said “I feel changed”, this would be a more powerful statement, I feel, than “I feel disturbed”.

I also think your control of line breaks and rhythm in this poem is very good. Often, I associate your non-met poems with the long, unpunctuated prose-poem style (which are great) but this feels like something different, and done very well.

Mark

[John Riley]

Thanks, Annie and Mark, and John for coming back. That is a spot I need to let sit for a while. As I said, there is always that one place.