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  #1  
Unread 02-14-2020, 12:40 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Default Green Glass

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Green Glass

Today, walking across
the other side of the city
I wished I could be lost,
that on the next corner
turtle doves would fly
out from a row of green
windows slung open wide
over the narrow street.
As they spring free and arc
across the failing sky
I will not want to start
to find my way back home,
instead will watch the doves
rise and swoop and turn
to tiny dots above.

***


Green Glass

Today, walking across
the other side of the city,
I wished I could be lost,
that on the next corner
turtle doves would fly
out from a row of green
windows slung open wide
over the narrow street.
As they sprung free and arced
across the failing sky
I would not want to start
to find my way back home,
instead would watch the doves
rise and swoop and turn
to tiny dots above.

Last edited by John Riley; Today at 07:48 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 02-15-2020, 06:02 PM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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Lovely, John.

Nemo
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  #3  
Unread 02-15-2020, 10:44 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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I agree with Nemo, John. It is, indeed, lovely.
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  #4  
Unread 02-15-2020, 10:56 PM
Mark Stone Mark Stone is offline
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John,

Hi. (1) I just went to a verb conjugation website. It appears that L9 is in the simple past tense, which would mean that “sprung” should be “sprang.” (2) I would put a comma after “sky.” (3) I want there to be a “but” before “instead.” (4) If you wanted three iambs in L13, you could change “rise” to “ascend.” (5) Very nice imagery in this poem.

Mark
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  #5  
Unread 02-15-2020, 11:13 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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This is what my dictionary says about the past of “spring”:

spring | spriNG |
verb (past sprang | spraNG | or sprung | sprəNG | ; past participle sprung)

I like "sprung" for the interlaced rhyme with "slung."

Last edited by Martin Elster; 02-15-2020 at 11:16 PM.
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  #6  
Unread Yesterday, 01:48 AM
R. S. Gwynn's Avatar
R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
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Nice. I'm reminded of Williams spying that shard of green glass between wings of a hospital. I'd get rid of the commqas.
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Unread Yesterday, 09:12 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Thanks to each of you reading and commenting. I decided to replace "sprung" with "spring" although I did like the internal rhyme with "slung." But changing it to the present tense allowed me to change "arced" to "arc" which I like better. I'm still not crazy with the repetition of "will" so close together. Maybe something will occur to me.

Best
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  #8  
Unread Yesterday, 09:49 AM
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Andrew Mandelbaum Andrew Mandelbaum is offline
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The two "wills" seem totally fine, John. I love how much far shore is laced into the other side of the city by this piece. Nice work. Only pause for me was that change of that to That in L4. I think I might like the orginal better there but maybe I am missing something you want.
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  #9  
Unread Yesterday, 11:54 AM
Ron Greening Ron Greening is offline
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Hi John,
I find it interesting how the change of tense adjusts the tone: the first revision remaining softer more reflective, the second stronger and fresher. I don’t know which I prefer yet, but perhaps the transition to simple future, allowing the urgency of the longing to gather strength, is worth more than the rhyme of sprung on slung.

To avoid the repetition of “will” you could replace “instead will watch” with “but pause to watch” which I think would keep the meter and most of the sense. However, I’m not sure that the two “wills” is really a problem to solve.

A very nice, wistful, poem.
Ron
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  #10  
Unread Today, 07:50 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Thanks, Andrew and Ron. I decided to take your suggestion and restore the comma.

Best
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