[Tony Barnstone]

Zero at the Bone

…a tighter Breathing

--Emily Dickinson, “A narrow fellow in the grass”

Somewhere secret, in a sickly cell,
or organ like a peach that browns with rot
or dead-end artery, is my own hell,
a power hidden at the unknown root:
the power to die. I’m powerless to do
anything but percolate and spin
idea-webs, move the body through
the street among the bodies—breathing in
the way a beaten street dog wolfs meat down:
body tensed to fight, eyes watching for
the feral wolf who’s coming to eat him
--or hide inside a room, some walls, a door
as the high-tension wires hum and strain
and the storm whips the windowpanes with rain.


1) Edits in "reason for editing," plus
2) cut the old ending:

I try to count my breaths, 1-2, 3-4
and stay alive until my life is done
--4, 3, 2, 1, then zero at the bone.

3) Changed "Somewhere secret, in a rebel cell," to "sickly cell"--the pun wasn't worth the confusion
4) Restored the rotting peach image line 3 & cut tumorous

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Tony—
Nicely focused, gradually building feeling of tension and dread. The sonnet is an incongruous choice for a poem dealing with these feelings, but I suspect that was deliberate.
I was initially a bit confused by “rebel cell.” I thought it was referring to a terrorist group or a squad of spies. The next two lines convinced me that you meant “cell” in the biological rather than the political sense.
The /p/ and /b/ alliteration adds to the uneasy jumpiness. Metrically, you have a problem in lines 6 and 7. Line 6 has one too many syllables and line 7 has one too few. Too bad you can’t just move “spin” into the next line without goofing up the rhyme scheme.
I don’t think you need the epigraph. The allusion in the last line is very recognizable, and I think it has more punch coming as a surprise. Does “Hell” need to be capped, since it’s not really used as a proper noun here, but as one of a number of hells—this one belonging to you?
Overall, I like the intensity and buildup. Nice job!

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hi Tony,

The metric looseness to me is fine given the subject matter.

I agree with Glenn on the epigraph and the capitalisation.

I feel the last three lines are not in keeping. It begs a stronger end.

Jan

[Alexandra Baez]

The epigraph out of context of the rest of Dickinson’s poem and prior to the context that you gradually provide in your own poem, doesn’t convey a clear meaning to me.

I like the play with “rot” and “root.” But there’s a potential confusion in “peach that browns with rot or dead-end artery”—that it could mean that the peach may be browning with “dead-end artery,” though I know that’s not what you mean. I agree with the calls to un-capitalize “Hell.” I took “rebel cell” as Glenn initially did.

You seem to have a contradiction between

Somewhere . . . is my own Hell,
a power hidden at the unknown root:
the power to die.

and

I’m powerless to do
anything but stew and percolate, spin
idea-webs, move the body through
the street among the bodies

All that second batch of stuff sounds pretty alive to me! I guess your point there is that ultimately all of these actions lead to death, but it comes off as a backing-off from the blunt directness of the first passage. Overall, I really can’t make out what’s happening in the second sentence. What exactly is the n poised to fight—high-tension wires? Or are those simply spurring thoughts in the n of other ways that he’s subject to adverse influences that are almost beyond his control? I guess the latter, but it’s unclear.

Also, I was bothered by the metrical jolt of “eat him.”

[R. S. Gwynn]

What I like best is the image summoned up in the title, but it isn't followed through. For me, it's so strange and mysterious as to seem like a lost chance. Electrical energy singing in the rain. I'd like to hear that.

[Tony Barnstone]

Thanks, Glenn! Yes to line 6.
Maybe like this, better: anything but percolate and spin

For line 7, I'm doing something unusual. Instead of putting a headless foot at the start of the line, I'm doing it at the start of a phrase, as in:
ide/a-webs, /move/ the bo/dy through

The rebel cell, yes, it's meant as a pun. Maybe I can make it clearer with this new revision

The epigraph--has to do with the book it will appear in (all the poems have epigraphs, some of them in the philosophy series that I've been posting here), but in general I agree!

Thanks for the good words, T

[Tony Barnstone]

Okay, Jan and Sam! Damn it, that was a brand new ending that you disliked, but damn me, I have to agree. Maybe Sam's idea about the title becoming the ending will work better? See if you like it better. Thanks, T

[Glenn Wright]

I’m willing to concede the point that “idea” has three syllables, but you still end up a syllable short in line 7. Could you swap “move” for “moving?” A headless foot in the middle of a line of IP just bothers me.

I like “tumorous” a lot. Even as I typed this post, auto-correct wanted to make it “timorous” three times. It has a great hollow sound.

I like the new ending, but I liked the original one better.
Glenn

[Matt Q]

Hi Tony,

I also prefer the original ending. Or at least, the one that currently appears below the poem. (It sounds like you may have tweaked the original version of the ending?).

I miss the rotting peach image. The "rotting peach" shows not just the "rot" (which the organ also has), but also hints at the ripeness/succulence that has been replaced -- what's being lost. It's more complex than what you have now. Though, yes, the original opening was a little confusing.

That said, I'm also a little confused by what you have now:

Somewhere secret, in a rebel cell,
tumorous, or organ brown with rot
or dead-end artery

Is this intended as a list of three secret tumorous places? A tumorous cell, a brown organ, and a dead-end artery. If so, an oxford comma after "rot" would make things clear.

Alternatively, given the punctuation, is the "rot or dead-end artery" what the organ is brown with? If so, I'm not sure that "brown with dead-end artery" makes sense, though I could see that a dead-end artery could turn an organ brown. So if this is what you intend maybe:

Somewhere secret, in a rebel cell,
tumorous, or organ browned by rot
or dead-end artery

I preferred "stew" to "percolate", for it's double-meaning and the sibilance with "spin". I see you're a foot down with just "stew" though, but maybe there's a way to keep "stew" and add a third action to make up the missing foot?

The broken-backed caesura in L7 doesn't trouble me. If it's good enough for Shakespeare, etc.

best,

Matt

[Paula Fernandez]

Tony--

I wish I had written those last two lines (i.e., the ones ending "strain/rain", I see that there were other end lines before). Gorgeous. Sigh.

I think this poem has a lot to offer, but also has some rough edges to smooth. I'm afraid I stumbled over your "sickly" cell in the first line, because it immediately took me to "sickle cell" which is, of course, a real and specific disease, which is not your intent.

I'm troubled by the way you brought in "power" and "powerless". I do not think that to die is a "power" that you (or any cell or organ of the body) has. I'm not sure what to do instead, but "power" didn't work for me. The situation is worsened by repeating the word three times in two lines. You just lost me there.

I actually was quite struck by the metaphor of the street dog wolfing meat and you sucking in air. That was surprising (shocking?) and worked for me. What doesn't work, though, is the loss of rhyme scheme in Lines 9/11. Once you've set my expectation for regular rhyme, it will bother me if you fail to meet it.

And here we are back to the last two lines... Which I adore.