[Tony Barnstone]

Susan,

Congrats! Hard to write a good ghazal that doesn't feel too artificial. As I see it, each couplet should be a unit, related perhaps but also possibly independent of the other units, yet unified within. The first line should be the setup, the second the resolution, with the line break the pause before the punchline, the shift from snapping open to snapping shut or vice-versa. Most of your couplets work this way, with some exceptions:

Does anger's barbed wire pierce and bind your heart?
Or has it grown a bitter rind, your heart?

This one kind of works. I guess the rind is protection against anger's barb. But it forces us to see the heart as a fruit with a bitter rind and also wrapped in barbed wire. It is a bit of a surreal image. On the other hand, I like its wildness.


My letters are returned, my calls unanswered.
Searching my nets, I cannot find your heart.

This one loses me because it drops the communication theme for metaphorical fishing, and the nets don't go with the water and calls. Maybe you could do something with tweets and emails and make the net electronics?



Our buddy movie spooled out to its end.
Is that what you think? Be kind. Rewind your heart.


This one works perfectly.

They say that love is blind. It may be. Is it
a blind eye or a hunting blind, your heart?

Nice one. I like the wordplay


Maybe you're ill. Do webs of plaque obstruct
the paths I hack through to remind your heart?


Here again, two different levels. Illness? Plaque? I guess it is cholesteral plaque, not plaque on the teeth, but at first I didn't get that. Perhaps change paths I hack through (a jungle image which doesn't work here) to something about obstructed veins?


Perhaps you've moved, packed up your cat and vanished,
reset your bearings, realigned your heart.

I think this one works.

I scan death notices for you. Has someone
embalmed your memories or brined your heart?


Good one


Is my distress a taste you crave? Dissolve
the pearl in wine. Drink. I've resigned your heart.

Not bad, but is the rhyme word the best for this?


Whatever ensues, this is where I sign off.
I'll never know if I've maligned your heart.

It works and the signature "I" is well done. I just wish it would "pop" more, really stick the landing in an exciting way since the couplets above raise the bar.

Hope this helps, Tony

[Jim Moonan]

.
Just back to say — because I don't think anyone has singled it out — the opening couplet launches this ghazal into the stratosphere. From then on the poem parachutes itself down to the final couplet. But that first couplet is so tightly wound and full of barely contained explosive emotion it's like a rocket and the poem has nowhere else to go but slowly down, down, down and then — poof — all the air drains out in that final couplet.

.

[Susan McLean]

Sorry for the delay in responding. I have been too busy, but I have been thinking about the suggestions and have made revisions.

Michael, I am glad to hear that you recognized my signature in "ensues." I was beginning to think that approach was not working at all. I'm also glad you liked the internal rhymes. I don't want to overdo them, but the ghazal does seem an over-the-top kind of form, so they didn't feel out of place. I have made a change to the rhyming in S5, but there aren't a lot of alternate options for other stanzas. I also don't know a good alternative to "buddy movie." But I think some slangy modern diction makes a piquant contrast to the more formal conventions of the form. The pearl in the wine is an allusion to a story in which Cleopatra won a bet with Mark Antony by dissolving a priceless pearl in vinegar (or wine, in some versions) and drinking it. I wanted a gesture that was dramatic, destructive, and wasteful.

David, I'm flattered to be compared to Hart. I have got rid of "searching my nets."

Tony, it is helpful to hear your responses to my ghazal, since you seem to be familiar with the form. I was not sure how unified each couplet needed to be. I often like to play with more than one meaning at the same time, which can point in two different directions. In the first couplet, the two images were meant to be alternate possibilities, but I guess they bleed into each other. I have tried to avoid the fishing imagery in the second couplet by making the net singular. In S5 I had two kinds of plaque in mind, arterial plaque and beta-amyloid plaque in the brain. So the illness could be physical or mental, but both the mind and the heart are in question. In S8 I am using "resigned" in the sense of "given up or relinquished." In S9 I was using "ensues" as my signature, either as the nickname "Sue" or as a mixed-up form of "Susan."

Jim, I think you are right that the images in the first couplet are most powerful.

Susan

[Tony Barnstone]

Susan,

Love the revisions. All working perfectly for me now, except the final stanza, which still feels uninspired compared to the wit of the others. Maybe do something with "sign off" and change the rhyme word to "signed" or "unsigned" or "resigned" + "re-signed" or something?

Also,

Is my distress a taste you crave? Dissolve
the pearl in wine. Drink. I've resigned your heart.

The taste, drink, dissolve stuff doesn't go with "resigned." Another rhyme word instead?

Hope this helps!

Tony

[Susan McLean]

Tony, I am still thinking about that last stanza. So far, I haven't found anything I prefer. As for S8, this is how I unpack it (though you may see it differently). The question asks if she desires to cause me pain. If so, she should go ahead and dissolve the pearl of our friendship (which I see as valuable) and drink it, enjoying my distress. I have given up on her caring about me.

Susan

[Mary McLean]

Effective ghazal. I do want 'resign' in place of 'sign off' in the last stanza. Maybe in the penultimate one you could replace it with a more diet-related verb, like 'I'll forgo your heart'?

Edited to add that I completely missed the rhyme scheme. Gosh ghazals are difficult. I guess it would have to be 'I've declined your heart', which doesn't work as well because of the stronger implication of refusing something offered, rather than self-denial.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Susan—
I’m a newbie, but I really like your ghazal.
I agree with Mark that in S9L1 “get off” is a stronger image than “sign off.” It makes the relationship sound like a bus that you might have stayed on too long. Is that what you wanted to suggest?
In S8L2 the phrase “I’ve resigned your heart” seems a bit out-of-focus. Do you mean that you are resigned to the relationship ending? That you have retired or fired his heart from your heart collection? How about just stating the accusation you have been leading up to and given him excuses for? “So unkind, your heart.” You almost back away from this in the last line, suggesting that “Maybe I misjudged you, but I don’t really think so.” Do you want to sound angrier? For S9L2 how about “It’s your fault if I’ve maligned your heart” ?
Glenn

[Susan McLean]

Mary and Glenn, I am torn between "sign off" and "get off" in S9. I like "sign off" for its allusion to the signature in the last sher. I like "get off" for its sense of getting off a moving transport that one has stayed on for too long. It also has angrier overtones than "sign off." I am trying to suggest a mix of contradictory emotions at the end, making some attempt at conclusive action while also implying that endings aren't that simple.

Susan

[Alexandra Baez]

Susan, another argument in favor of "sign off" is is that "get off" has slang connotations that would not work in the service of anything you're trying to convey here.

[Tony Barnstone]

Nice to circle back to this one again. It is working well. I have a few thoughts, not urgent, but maybe helpful?

How about shortening:

Our buddy movie spooled out to its end.
Is that what you think? Be kind. Rewind your heart.

to

Our buddy movie spooled out to its end.
Be kind. Rewind your heart.

And then this one, too could be stronger if shorter:

They say that love is blind. It may be. Is it
a blind eye or a hunting blind, your heart?

could be

They say that love is blind. Is it
a blind eye or a hunting blind, your heart?

That was "Is it" at first asks "Is love blind?" and then revises itself to a different meaning after the line break.

Not sure what all has changed otherwise, but I don't feel any thumbs or elbows so I think you've revised this very well!

Take care, Tony