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  #1  
Unread 10-16-2020, 07:26 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Default Song II

Triolet Suite I

I
Bo peep has lost her sheep again.
What will her father say this time?
Perhaps, "you silly girl," and then,
"Bo peep has lost her sheep again."
The wolf cooks lambs in his dark den
With lemon, butter, sprigs of thyme.
Bo peep has lost her sheep again.
What will her father say this time?


II
I promise you will have them back.
O Jack give me your magic beans,
Or I will place you in a sack.
I promise you will have them back,
And just in time before the lack
Of narrative becomes obscene.
I promise you will have them back.
O Jack give me your magic beans.


III

Humpty Dumpty please don’t cry.
These words won’t break you like the ground.
Stay here with me, my son, oh my
Humpty Dumpty—please don’t cry.
But mother, mother, oh the sky
Keeps calling and I love the sound.
Humpty Dumpty please don’t cry.
These words won’t break you like the ground.


IV
Some stories now I cannot tell.
You are too old for fairytales,
And are too old for carousels.
Some stories now I cannot tell.
Your father said he wished you well.
He said the card is in the mail.
Some stories now I cannot tell:
You are too old for fairytales.
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  #2  
Unread 10-17-2020, 08:42 AM
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Andrew Mandelbaum Andrew Mandelbaum is offline
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Sorry, Yyves,
This really isn't working. The form just pounds its fist and the repetitions are asked to invest some gravitas in the lines chosen by sheer insistence. It becomes monotonous and doesn't really do enough with the old material to warrant the length. I think there is some feeling in the writer behind this piece that does sneak through but it isn't fully powering the work yet.
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Unread 10-17-2020, 09:06 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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I'm afraid I argree with Andrew.

I think the poem would improve if you just went with the first four lines of each section, ditching the rest. I'm stil not sure it would do much for me, but I think it would clean it up by lowering the bar you set for yourself by trying to pull off an effective triolet in each case.
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Unread 10-17-2020, 09:34 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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Yes, the repetitions merely bore me as a reader.
And the chime of the rhymes seems insipid rather than innocent.

The poem also seems to be about almost nothing. And that is not the purpose I associate with fairytales.

Nemo
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Unread 10-17-2020, 11:21 AM
Jim Hayes Jim Hayes is offline
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Pretty much what has already been said Yves, the thing is, what to do about it?
Troilets being short with close repetends tend to be boring unless you can inject a dynamism into the dialogue.

Another trick is to use a play on words in lines 1 and 7
E.g;
Why am I such a scarlet hue
what if the neighbors guess?
......
....
....
......
Why am I such a scarlet? Hugh—
what if the neighbors guess ?

That may not be a great example, but you get my drift, anyway the challenge is yours.
Best wishes
Jim
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Unread 10-17-2020, 04:18 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Thanks for the comments all.

Andrew, Roger, Nemo, Jim, Thanks.
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