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  #11  
Unread 03-05-2021, 08:45 AM
Golias Golias is offline
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THANKS, Conny Shower was a typo, to which I am prone. You are right about 'self-same." It is is too heavy and "that very day" is too worn out. I am going to "were also born that day." Also is a good old horse of a trochee and will, I think, haul the light load unnoticed.

Until next Tuesday, my posting day.

Wiley

PS: Better still? When you were born all flowers
were born with you that day.

Last edited by Golias; 03-06-2021 at 01:11 PM.
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  #12  
Unread 03-05-2021, 06:40 PM
Bill Marsh Bill Marsh is offline
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Hi,
Is the poem about love between men or about is the voice speaking to men about their respective loves (male or female). I can't tell though I think it reads better.

Writing a poem a day is a good way to get a poem you would never come up otherwise, I think. So is writing poems in complicated forms. Good fishing!

In this case I think the demands of the form have got the better of the unity of affect.
Bill
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  #13  
Unread 03-06-2021, 09:38 AM
Golias Golias is offline
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Hello Bill,


I have already revised the second poem above for which I could not find a good closing line the othr day. I changed the sequence of stanzas and then saw how I could rewrite the first and second stnzas to eliminate a repetition of the rhyme "day" and flesh out the new second stanza with "Bowers". I remembered the old song about the"Bower of Roses by Bendemeer
Stream" which was sung by John Charles Thomas nearly as hundred years ago and remained popular for at least forty years. As to "love" in the reversible, it is non-specific as it is in most poems, songs, etc.


Crafty work is fun-----if it works.


Wiley

Last edited by Golias; 03-07-2021 at 07:14 AM.
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  #14  
Unread 03-12-2021, 09:28 PM
Gena Gruz Gena Gruz is offline
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Hi

Beautiful poem. Has a lot of love in it.

G
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  #15  
Unread 03-13-2021, 08:05 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.

This has an ear-to-the-ground quality that, for me, hears the heart whispering its secrets. Without coming out and explicitly saying so, love is the chariot we ride through death's portal. You've said it simply, without pretense, sweetly, without any embellishment.

The poem as a whole does has an inverted quality to it, so that it sounds like a prophesy. I personally like that because I think sometimes we try too hard to express in ordinary speaking language things we find that are profound. When our spirit speaks to us it doesn't use our language, but a language that is theirs alone that our own language can, ever so inarticulately, translate. You see, I've tripped over my own words trying to say what I feel!

I agree the title should be changed. Maybe call it "Go". I've always thought that word to have supernatural power, and this poem seems to say "go".
.
.
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  #16  
Unread 03-13-2021, 12:08 PM
Golias Golias is offline
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Jim, I wrote a responce to your comments which I seem to have clumsily lost or deleted. I said that your remarks were the most affecting and insightful that I have ever received in regard to a poem. It may be that the remarks of Mr. Richard Wilbur concerning my poem Caravel, are a close second. I replied to you that this poem virtually wrote itself while I was just trying to write reversible phrases.

I like the title you suggest. Unfortunately I have already used it for another poem, or rather a translation from an ancient Chinese poem in which a drunk man, falling under a tree, tells the tree "Go! Go!" and pushes it away, or thinks he does.

I hope my previous response somehow reappears.

Thanks very, very much,

Wiley (Golias)

Last edited by Golias; 03-13-2021 at 12:15 PM.
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  #17  
Unread 03-15-2021, 07:12 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.
Wiley, I'm glad to have read your poem. I saw in it how love threads the needle... Love and yearning are two sides of the same coin, I think.

Jim

.
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  #18  
Unread 03-21-2021, 08:09 PM
Gena Gruz Gena Gruz is offline
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I like the dynamics. I like the movement. The rhyme is nice and somewhat predictable as in spoken word. Makes it accessible to diverse pool of audience.
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  #19  
Unread 03-21-2021, 09:11 PM
Golias Golias is offline
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Thank you, gentlemen, for your kind and thoughtful comments. I will continue to seek the right sort of title. At the moment I am thinking of using
a partial line of the poem as its title, but which line? How does this seem to you? or Men of Shells, prhaps?

Passing

Forever ours is love
but we are men of shells;
and passing years and days
are silver-sounding bells.

Returning joys are dreams,
and age embraces sleep
where bygone youth and love
are burning bright and deep.

Love is long and death is brief;
for naught is death, but love is time
in selflessness becoming grief,
splendid, sacred and sublime.



Got it!. First version will be titled Passing and the reverse will be
Returning.

GRACIAS,


Wiley Clements (Username Golias)

Last edited by Golias; 03-22-2021 at 03:13 AM.
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