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  #11  
Unread 01-26-2019, 09:17 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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It is a powerful little piece, Jan. I like Julie's suggestion about the galaxies - I just can't make L4 conform to dimeter.

And I wonder about "gibbous". Does it work? And, if so, why? Just looking for a little clarification here, and will be happy to receive it.

It's memorable, anyway. The poem, I mean.

Cheers

David
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  #12  
Unread 01-26-2019, 02:27 PM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Thank you Julie your comments mean so much. I have had a beautiful little bask.

I am thinking about the decapitalisation.

'galaxies' must be, as it was.

i justify it on a four part scansion:

in galaxies of dust

1,3,1,2,1,3

If that justification does not sit right then I will plead nonce.

I will bask a little more.

Jason

Thank you and welcome to the 'sphere.

Jim

I will bask awhile in your comments as well. Thank you.

Erik

It appears that I shall bask awhile. I will sit and savour. Thank you.

Nemo

I was more than a little pleased with that one. Thank you.

I cannot recall the wording only the intent of a poet who said that a poem must be condensed and taken to the top of a tall building and dropped on the head of an unsuspecting passerby. Do you know it or the poet?

David

Please see my comments to Julie above about my rationale for 'galaxies'.

'gibbous'? The stony, graven, uncaring face of selfish death, carries on from the moon.

Glad you find it memorable.

Regards and thanks to all.

Jan
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  #13  
Unread 01-26-2019, 08:49 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Jan, earlier when things were appearing/disappearing, I think you asked about making bastard possessive, and, if so, I like the idea as applying to the hanger rather than the heavens. Maybe even plural possessive for all who would exit hanging?
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  #14  
Unread 01-27-2019, 12:28 AM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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I had posted a critique on this thread, but it has vanished.
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  #15  
Unread 01-27-2019, 01:09 AM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Yes I did Ralph and I shall make that change thank yo

Yes Martin you did and I responded, my response was lost as well

You queried the stresses in the galaxies line. In a four part scansion as i put forward in my response to Julie I show the relative stresses and there are two equally dominant that satisfy my ear however if I cannot persuade you of this then please view the form as a nonce one (I have to keep galaxies)

Regards and thanks to you both

Jan
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  #16  
Unread 01-27-2019, 07:05 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hey Jan,

Really, scarily fantastic. On the second read I realised that the 'moon' was the face of the man hanging in the shed in a galaxy of dust-motes. And the poem burst chillingly open for me like I was slowly peering around that shed door.

'Gibbous' works for the horrible sense of 'bulging' and for the idea of seeing the face at an angle as it slowly turns. It's also a very HP Lovecraft word, which seems oddly, bleakly right.
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  #17  
Unread 01-27-2019, 11:04 AM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Hi Jan,

Even though I can’t hear that line as dimeter, it’s not a big deal, since, as you said, the poem can be in a nonce meter (het-met). I do like “galaxies.” In my post that disappeared, I suggested “in swirls of dust” but that doesn’t have the same drift as “in galaxies of dust.”

Like Mark, I wasn’t at first sure what the moon symbolized, but when I read it again I realized that it’s the guy’s face turning round and round — a disquieting image for sure. The extended metaphor of the space images — heaven, moon, spinning, galaxies (even “dust” which could be stars or nebulae), sun, gibbous — is really well-done. And “son” in S4 echoing “sun” earlier is inspired.

It’s a fine and frightening little poem.
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  #18  
Unread 01-27-2019, 12:34 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
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Frightening is a good word for it. Great work.

John
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  #19  
Unread 01-27-2019, 01:11 PM
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Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
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Hi Jan,

This is very disturbing, memorably so. I like 'gibbous', which leads me to 'bulbous', and also to something rather unearthly, slightly alien. And I like the echo in 'sun found' and 'son to find'.

Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #20  
Unread 01-27-2019, 01:40 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Jan, I think this is largely effective, but I agree with those who hear three beats in S1L4. But I tried tinkering with it to see if I could diminish that effect, and this is what I came up with:

spin slowly in
galaxies of dust.

I understand why you want to keep "galaxies," but it is a hard word to fit into dimeter.

Susan
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