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  #11  
Unread 06-23-2019, 04:48 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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"Potations" is gone; "soda fountains" have arrived in spite of everything; and "cakes" are there aplenty. "Corona" doesn't refer to a cigar.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 06-23-2019 at 06:35 PM.
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  #12  
Unread 06-23-2019, 06:37 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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x
I think it is sweeter still. It's new again. It could be worse but it's not. It's new again and again. Keep on dancing.
x
x
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  #13  
Unread 06-24-2019, 08:20 AM
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Jim, Jeff, Aaron, Ann, John, and Ken (three Js, two As, & one K) and anyone else, thanks for your previous replies! I've retitled it to the more respectful "Badger State Rhapsody", and put in "corona" for "cardigan". The "corona" refers to a sleepy-eyed view of a nimbus around the head. Now, I've tried a "devise" variant to balance against the previous "remake" form, and rhymed it with "pies" rather than "cakes". What bothers me is the near juxtaposition of "devour" with "devise", and the question of the imagery and sound of "pies" versus "cakes". Both versions are in the top post. Which version is better?
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  #14  
Unread 06-24-2019, 10:14 AM
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Default The Mona Lisa Overdrive

Awright, nobody who isn't stoned believes in halos now, so "corona" as a halo isn't working. It's been recast in the third person, with a Mona Lisa filling the mugs.
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  #15  
Unread 06-24-2019, 12:43 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Quote:
He sees her like the Mona Lisa there
In Madison, Wisconsin’s Greyhound station —
Alive at the planet’s best encounter, filling
Those coffee cups he needs to be serene —
Far from the bus announcer’s clarion shrilling,
His apparition serving dawn provisions
With flirtation. So, what does he declare?

Oh, listen to his words. He just remakes
Mountains from soda fountains, billets doux
From luncheonette placemats, while he devours
Waffles drowned in syrup and apple yogurt,
And groans about the earliness of the hours,
And spills a tip across the breakfast menu
That rests atop that showcase full of cakes
Hi Allen,

I like the change to third person a lot. The poem seems to suit an observer's PoV, a wryly amused flaneur. Of course, third person means you have 'he devours' not 'I devour' which has led you to the awkward and unidiomatic sounding 'earliness of the hours'

Could you do something with L10 to keep 'devour'? (And I think 'luncheonette' is a bit of a metrical mouthful there, anyway). And maybe the last two lines could be a new sentence, which might be quite nice? Or not.


Oh, listen to his words. He just remakes
Mountains from soda fountains, billets doux
From paper placemats, settles to devour
Waffles drowned in syrup and apple yogurt,
And groans about the earliness of the hour.
He spills a tip across the breakfast menu
That rests atop that showcase full of cakes.


Anyway, I do think it's a pretty charming thing. I don't think you need the comma after 'yogurt'.

Cheers!
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  #16  
Unread 06-24-2019, 10:23 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Hi Mark, I’ve been traveling much the day, and I’m tired and getting to this late. But I like your approach very much. A flaneur, well, I never — or hardly ever. Thanks for your encouraging words. I will apply them after some sleep and coffees myself in the AM. Best.
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  #17  
Unread 06-25-2019, 12:50 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Don't know what your tolerance is for Tom Waits at his most almost-self-parodic, but this is a pretty wonderful slice of 'flirting with the waitress' tragic Americana...

https://youtu.be/Ujn4YTrdBNI
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  #18  
Unread 06-25-2019, 10:39 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Mark, my hard copy Houghton Mifflin Dictionary gives this as the entire definition of flaneur: “n. French. : An aimless idler; a loafer.” In other words, a layabout, an (American) bum. Not a boulevardier, or observant man about town. Never got the distinction down before. Good to know! Thanks. Seriously.

I’ve decide to keep the line end comma. I often think line end punctuation is useful. Like I wear my baseball caps with the bill forward to keep sun glare and rain off my glasses - unless it’s a dry day and the sun is burning my neck. I’m not a fanatic

I thought about “paper” or maybe “diner”, and the rest of your suggested line. I’m not rejecting it yet.

For the moment I’m going to keep “luncheonette” as a parallel to “etiquette” in the other Fourteen Line poem, and instead go with a minimal change from “the hours” to “her hours”. That adds a little depth to the relationship, as if they might meet after she’s off work if she’s interested enough. Both words are there to denote something I want, and to keep the rhythm conversational. They are expendable.

I’m glad you forced me to look at the poem in a new way, and more glad that you like the new point of view. Seriously. Again. Thanks.

Thanks especially for the Tom Waits link. He’s new to me. He’s quite a lyricist. I especially like the early line about “the register”. I see what you mean about parody. It’s not this poem, or this milieu, but it pulls.

Thanks once more.
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  #19  
Unread 06-25-2019, 08:21 PM
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Jake, I’ve changed LL6-7 with your suggestion in mind.
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  #20  
Unread 07-13-2019, 11:06 AM
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New line one.
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