[Jim Moonan]

.
(ORIGINAL #2)

Born

For Kiki


Well look who’s come back
bawling and drooling for more!

Full of id with no name.
Only womb-swollen eyes

and a telltale trace
of someone's jaw line.

Look at her!
A ball of something

arrived from somewhere
via the darkest passage

into the brightness of here.
—There! Did you see that?!

The way her face changed?!
She just thought something

we will never know. She sleeps...
while I toy with the thought

of my own coming and going
and not knowing where I go

when I finally fall down
the darkest tunnel again

pushing through, eyes closed,
surely redeemable, toward light.



----------------------------------

ORIGINAL

Born

For Kiki


Well look who’s come back
bawling and cooing for more!

Full of id with no identification.
Only womb-swollen eyes

and an ethereal trace
of grandma’s jaw line.

Just look at her!
A ball of somethingness

arrived from somewhereness
via the darkest tunnel

with the light at the end.
—There! Did you see that?!

The way her face changed?!
She just thought something

we will never know. So sleep...
While I sit toying with the thought

of my own coming and going
and the fact that not knowing

where we go when we reach
the darkest tunnel at last

and go through with eyes closed,
surely toward the light?



EDITS

Title was Baby Born
L2: cooing was drooling
L4: Only was except
L9: somewhereness was nothingness
L12: was Keep looking… —There!
L13: was Did you see it?!
L15: was we will never know!

Last three couplets were:

of coming and going,
the fact of never knowing

where we go when we reach
again the darkest tunnel

and go through, surely
toward the light?





------------------------------

V3

Born


Well look who’s come back
bawling and drooling for more!

All scuffed up, full of id,
wearing womb-swollen eyes,

a hunk of something
journeyed from somewhere

arriving via the darkest passage.
So sleep little one, your alien sleep

while I toy with my own
coming and going:

not knowing where it all
leads or ends or flows.

We come and go with eyes closed
always moving toward light.


--------------------------------------------

V2
ICU

For Kiki

Behind glass, third from the left
in blinding light:

look who’s come back
bawling and drooling for more,

capped and wrapped tight,
tethered to tubes, full of id,

newly named, all fingers
and toes counted, Apgar approved,

freshly conscious, gurgling,
behind womb-swollen eyes.

and an ethereal trace
of grandma’s jaw line.

Just look at her!
A ball of somethingness

arrived from somewhereness
via the darkest passage

to this cold clearing, awakening
to the quiet, sensual celebration...

—There!

The way her face changed!
As if she thought something

we will never know... so sleep...
while I toy with the thought

of my own coming and going
and the act of not knowing

where we come from or where
we go, via dark passages,

eyes closed, breathless,
streaming toward light.




-----------------------------




.

[annie nance]

Oh, I like this a lot Jim. I love a poem that goes full circle.

On the second read, your opening lines bring to mind a reincarnation... Looks who's back! Lol

[Jim Moonan]

.
Thank you Annie. Meanwhile, I've posted a revision.

This is not meant to espouse reincarnation per se. It is meant to magnify life’s propensity to be illusory. I wrote this on the heels of another poem posted recently here.

.

[W T Clark]

I much prefer the original, Jim. To look at the differences between the two is to see how the necessary details are then mutilated by the unnecessary. Of course, with any poem like this, the trick is to avoid sentimentality. The final lines work toward that but I still feel as if you could cut back further. What if the poem could only be 10 lines: or 8? How quickly cut between the born and the dying? Why "grandma"? Do you want the narrator to be a dispassionate observer, or the involved voice that the involved choice of "grandma" evokes. "somewhereness" after "somethingness" I think is rather like overkill and sounds hollow. I think you have a weakness for the vague mystical phrase, but that phrase is only useful if the specific has evidently been exhasted: rendered unworthy.
Keep working on this.
Hope this helps.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Yes, go back to the original, Jim. In general, your tendency to over-think mars your revisions, waters them down with explanatory asides, extraneous images. The thinking, the over-thinking, may be responsible for the poems to begin with, but you need to learn when to grab the ripest thought and then hold it, confidently, in the poem, before it melts and meanders into further thought. It's a matter of timing, a matter of when to choose, of when and how to hold.

I agree with Cameron about the sentimentality of grandma, and think you could simply say someone's jawline, which would point to the possibility of sentimentality which you gently veered away from. You kind of have it both ways then.

I think somethingness and somewhereness would work better with out the too-clever suffixes.

Just look at her!
A ball of something

arrived from somewhere
via the darkest passage

And I think it should be not with 'the light at the end' but with 'a light at the end'.

All that said, I think the original is quite good, one of the best I've seen you post up here.

Nemo

[John Riley]

Yes, you shouldn't have changed it. I read it as a simple poem in a good way that worked. Leave it alone.

[Jim Moonan]

.
Thanks Cameron, Nemo, John.

Revision posted.

Yes you’re right: I can see what the consensus opinion is pointing out very clearly now. I’ve spent a couple of days “gazing down the well” pondering on things so I apologize for the blank space of time in responding… I was in danger of losing the poem altogether if I didn't roll up my sleeves and get it back. So that's what I did.

I’ve gone back to the original and started there, making a few changes based on specific suggestions (thanks Nemo) as well as reducing it down to fewer lines in an attempt to say more with less (Thanks Cameron) but then I gave deeper thought to word choices and changed some. I've tried to make changes with the lightest touch vs. heavy-handed (over-thinking).

Nemo, your advice to go about revising delicately (you said, "It's a matter of timing, a matter of when to choose, of when and how to hold.") got me back on track. The lightest touch is the best.

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[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

I love the delicate sweetness of the revision Jim

The ending is perfect.

[R. Nemo Hill]

I still like the original better.

Nemo

[John Riley]

Back to the original version.