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Unread 05-12-2020, 11:53 AM
Quincy Lehr's Avatar
Quincy Lehr Quincy Lehr is offline
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Los Angeles, CA, USA
Posts: 5,411
Default Gen X Stories


He used to be the bass guitarist for the classic hardcore band Die Capitalist Pig!!! and was on their seminal album, We All Fucked Your Girlfriend, Even the Bass Player. Now he lives in Altadena, teaches memoir-writing at USC, and voted for Elizabeth Warren after considering Beto O’Rourke and Pete Buttigeig. He also just blocked you for saying, quite truthfully, that the Clash weren’t actually that good.

When she was a girl, she had a Cabbage Patch Doll named after Sally Ride. In high school, she wasted two weeks of everyone’s time because her English teacher alluded to the character of Shylock as an anti-Semitic trope, and she decided he was an anti-Semite. Even though most of the teaching staff and administration hated her afterwards, her essay on the matter got her into Bard. Now she works for a non-profit that specializes in teaching homeless children how to play Dixieland jazz. She also just blocked you because you called Tulsi Gabbard “thicc” to see what would happen.

He came out of the closet as soon as it became clear that he wouldn’t get written out of the will if he did. He owns three restaurants: Billy Bob’s Shake-n-Bake (the one he inherited from his parents that actually makes money), a faux-dive called The Pink Flamingo (after the line in the Soft Cell song), and a Japanese-Italian fusion restaurant called The Meiji Risorgimento. He once beat a lawsuit from a disgruntled employee by successfully arguing that calling people “bitches” is part of his culture. He also just blocked you after you posted a link to an article about sweatshops making Beyoncé’s clothing line.

She was the Assistant Vice Treasurer in high school and was voted “Most Likely to Narc on a Friend.” She majored in art history at Vassar, did a law degree at Michigan, and married a regional manager for Chuck E. Cheese, who bought her an art gallery in order to have painters fuck her so he doesn’t have to. She runs for local office as a Democrat as a hobby, losing by fifty more votes each time. She also just blocked you for calling her “the Amy Klobuchar of Ventura County.”

He spent high school listening to Napalm Death and Cannibal Corpse and trying unsuccessfully to kick you in the genitals. Once, after taking several tabs of LSD, he joined the army and ended up doing a tour in Iraq. He got an honorable discharge, gained 300 pounds, and is the leading Facebook expert on how war crimes are actually good. He also just blocked you because... could have been anything, really.

She was Native American in that Elizabeth Warren way, in that the only way you could know was if she told you—a lot—and you still had to take her word for it. Now, she lives in the worst suburb in your home state and produces children, revenue for chain restaurants, vaguely white nationalist online tirades, and second-hand lung cancer. She also just blocked you over the chain restaurants that she likes more than you do, of all the goddamn things.

When he was a boy, he wanted to be president as soon as he ceased wanting to be a leopard or a cobra. After a school career spent listening to Classical music and doing an impression of an unusually ambitious Teddy Ruxspin, he settled for being a corporate attorney. His hobbies include playing the piano, collecting rare liqueurs from the former Soviet bloc, and tweeting about the #Resistance. He also just blocked you when you called his would-be Bond villain boss an asshole.

She was always going to be a star and was not without a certain waifish charm, by which I mean she had a fondness for flowing dresses and singing in her thin, reedy voice to a tentatively strummed guitar until people hated her. Now she owns a cafe that she bought to save the open mic from the previous owner who thought it sucked. She also just blocked you when she remembered you called Tori Amos "white girl suicide music" twenty-five years ago.

When he was a teenager, he was so violently and obsessively homophobic that everyone assumed he was secretly gay. Turns out he isn't gay. He's just a massively bigoted asshole. He also just blocked you because he was only in your timeline in the first place due to a misunderstanding.

She used to have hours of dialogue memorized from every season of Northern Exposure, even the one after Rob Morrow left. She was also heard to remark that she wished the world could be more like Edward Scissorhands. Now she makes Christian-themed videos for children on YouTube that feature her playing the glockenspiel. She also just blocked you for posting a parody of a Creed video.

When someone told his class in high school that his generation would work harder than their parents for less remuneration and less job security, it gave him a boner, and he knew exactly why. Now he has exactly the job you think he would, precisely the ugly McMansion you think he'd live in, the kids with the exact godawful names you'd think they'd have, and the exact car with the precise bad gas mileage everyone suspected. He also just blocked you because he thought you were making fun of him when you cracked a joke about people who like Charlie Sheen.

She does a reasonably good impression of being Michel Foucault’s illegitimate daughter with Judith Butler. Her signature moves are using the word “radical” to modify every noun referring to her academic work and looking violently ill every time someone said “dialectics.” She’s an adjunct professor at five schools, is shopping around seven articles and nine book manuscripts. She also just blocked you for being a socialist.

His first big concert was Garth Brooks in 1990, and his belt buckles and pickup trucks have gotten bigger ever since. He has an MBA from the state university, lives in a four-bedroom home with unforgivably high ceilings, and manages a sporting goods store that mostly sells guns and fishing rods to fat people. He also just blocked you for being a coastal elite.

She would have been beautiful had she spent less time on her appearance. These days, she sells houses to investors who think a Cheesecake Factory is the acme of gentrification. She’s a church-council psycho who posts pictures of food she feels guilty about eating and which she blames for her ex-husband leaving her. She also just blocked you because you said her nickname in high school was “The Black Mamba.”

He was the sort of guy you figured would end up designing elf-themed emojis, hosting a gardening show on a local NPR affiliate, becoming a serial killer, or some combination of the three. Instead, he has chartreuse dreadlocks, goes by DJ Kompound Fraxyoor, and is the seventh-most-popular purveyor of EDM on the Belgian club circuit. He also just blocked you for not realizing that “you have to be on ecstasy for it to sound good” was intended as a compliment.

In the eighth grade, she cried for two hours after she got mud on her Guess jeans during a wilderness excursion. Her first husband was a cop and her current husband is a white-collar criminal who's an actuary on the side. She loves both her boys, who despite being seven and thirteen are already Large Adult Sons. She also just blocked you because you said that cheese was racist ironically, and she took it literally.

He's forty-four years old and still wears leather. Being the father of two children has had no discernible effect on his level of swearing. He's a middle-class Ivy League leftist who distrusts people who went to elite schools. He's an alternative rock snob who finds most first-wave punk rock unlistenable and goth rock funny. His hobbies are reading, writing, caffeine, vituperation, and hate. He hasn't blocked you, but sometimes you wish he would.
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Unread 05-12-2020, 05:16 PM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 6,374

Hey, Quincy! I don't get all the references, but that doesn't matter. Still enjoyable, if a bit exhausting. Less might be more effective.

In the second blurb, I like the Sally Ride bit, but I'm not sure it will work with the 0.05% of your audience that might know that Cabbage Patch Kids (not Cabbage Patch Dolls) came with factory-printed birth certificates that pre-assigned the dolls' first and middle names.

My little sister's CPK was named Audrey Rose. I remember because my sister had scrimped and saved for almost a year to be able to "adopt" one of these expensive, cartoonishly ugly babies, and either the same day or the next, our golden retriever puppy eviscerated the soft parts and mangled the plastic ones, and left everything strewn across our front yard as if for spite.
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Unread 05-12-2020, 05:33 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
Posts: 14,757

It all rings true for me except the last one, since he did block me.
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Unread 05-13-2020, 04:16 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Staffordshire, England
Posts: 3,437

Hey Quincy,

These are undeniably very funny and perceptive (I assume. I don't recognise many of these people, though I get them as 'types').
I would find a different way to end the thing. The last 'story' is a portrait of you, clearly. Including it ostensibly seems to be saying, 'hey, I can turn this razor sharp observation of foible and hypocrisy on myself too, I'm not immune and I'm not perfect'. But it won't commit to this, because 'you' still sound way nicer, and cooler, than anybody else. Apart from the first sentence, it doesn't have the same mockery to it. Instead, much of it reads like a self-deprecating writer bio, which none of the others do. It sounds a bit like humble brag.

Now, you are a charming, intelligent and likeable fellow, so I'm not suggesting you portray yourself as a monster. But we don't need the cuddly "father of two children" even with the thing about swearing after it, "hobbies are reading, writing" is just lame and obvious given this is a piece of writing. The "distrusts people who went to elite schools" as a piece of self-deprecating acknowledgment of double standards is probably already covered by what comes before it. So I would shorten the thing to something like:

He's a forty-four year old middle-class Ivy League leftist who still wears leather. His hobbies are caffeine, vituperation, and hate. He hasn't blocked you, but sometimes you wish he would.

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 05-13-2020 at 05:14 AM. Reason: Spelled 'foible' weirdly.
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