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  #11  
Unread 09-18-2020, 08:29 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Keep it silver. Golden is a cliche. I ate my delusions. They were as good could be.
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  #12  
Unread 09-18-2020, 01:40 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Go back to "to he who discovered oxygen." I'm absolutely convinced it's magnificent. Maybe the voice/attitude? Anyway, I like it. There's something, too, that sticks with me about those pig ghost herds. There's a will not scare thing about that. From your comments, I don't think these are your priorities, but for what it's worth.
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  #13  
Unread 09-18-2020, 01:43 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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Grammatically it should be "to him who discovered".
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  #14  
Unread 09-18-2020, 01:59 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Ok, Roger, sure. If you want to get all grammar on me. Sheesh. I think it's wonderful- maybe it's the oxygen. Or maybe I don't have enough respect for prepositions and wouldn't dream of being an object of one. Degrading, if you ask me. But have it your way.
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  #15  
Unread 09-18-2020, 02:42 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Thanks Allen, Roger and James

Allen, yep, golden would be too much, and too rich too, I think. I just hadn't intended or considered the Judas connection with a silver coin.

Roger and James,

I don't think "he who" is wrong in any absolute sense. Certainly it's a usage you'll see if you wait long enough. After all, as they say, everything comes to he who waits.

I would say, "Joseph Priestly discovered oxygen and there's a plaque to him here". But I wouldn't say "here's a plaque to him who discovered oxygen" because it just sounds wrong to me. But clearly sounds right to others -- though I wonder if it's a construction that's ever used. I guess we'd normally say "to the discoverer of ...", or "to the person who ..."

I guess I could also go with "to the man who discovered". My preference is still "he who" for the more formal / dramatic / archaic sound of it, which seems apt at this point. My concern was that that Ron found it confusing along with the other "he".

-Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 09-18-2020 at 02:44 PM.
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  #16  
Unread 09-18-2020, 02:49 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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I didn't say you're not free to be ungrammatical if it sounds okay to you. I was merely pointing out the grammatical error in case it inclined you to make a change of some sort that is both grammatical and sounds right to you.
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  #17  
Unread 09-18-2020, 02:57 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Yes, Matt, I think it is used for dramatic purposes. And it lifts the poem there, imo.
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  #18  
Unread 09-18-2020, 05:54 PM
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There is no connection in feeling here with Judas. I have to say that’s absurd. Even Charon would be more likely. I like the first version because of its rhythm. Version two may be better in other ways, but I’m looking at number one.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 09-18-2020 at 10:27 PM.
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  #19  
Unread 09-19-2020, 05:26 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Could you tell me more about the mallard? I lose it there.
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  #20  
Unread 09-20-2020, 04:02 AM
John Riley John Riley is online now
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This is much improved. I think the two "it's" works. I don't see it as a problem. I don't see the mallard as an issue. The mallard swallows it and the journey continues. I don't see anything at all to change. It's a strong poem, one of your best imo. It's time to let it go down the river and find a home in a good journal, if that is its final destination.

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