New Statesman -- iPads vs. women winners
No 4227
Set by Leonora Casement
An online poll found that around 11 per cent of single men would rather have a new iPad 3 than a love interest in their life. And 3 per cent claimed they would actually leave their current partner if offered the new iPad 3. The women polled preferred the opposite, with 84 per cent choosing a new partner over the new tablet from Apple. According to freeipad3s.com: “For a lot of people, [the new iPad 3] is the ultimate tablet”, adding: “This new Apple product comes with a wide variety of multiple functions . . .” We asked for letters/emails from a man in this tablet-crazy group explaining to a love interest why he is not/no longer interested.
This week’s winners
Well done. We were slightly bemused by Mr Greenwell’s entry until the end when the light dawned. Not quite what we had in mind, but then geeks do the strangest things. £25 to each of the winners, with the Tesco vouchers going to Derek Morgan. Hon menshes to: Katie Mallett, Sylvia Fairley, John Griffiths-Colby, Chris O’Carroll and M E Ault.
Dear Jane
I’ve found somebody (or something) else, and since I know you like objective analysis of emotional attachments, my specification comparison shows why you’re no longer the apple of my eye. The iPad 3 wins on portability and weight (I don’t fancy another hernia); connectivity (you must sort those headaches); screen (or touchscream, in your case); apps (thousands against your “perhapps”); price (a one-off payment versus your high maintenance); and warranty.
Being a woman, you match it on multitasking, and you win on RAM memory, since you never forget (or forgive). We met on a speed date, so there’s irony now in my going for data speed. It’s no longer a question of my pad or yours ; the answer is iPad 3.
PS: I’ll always be pleased to see you, but that’s a tablet I’ll have in my pocket!
Derek Morgan
Dearest
I’m going to be frank. It’s over between us. I know I told you that you were the best thing that ever happened to me and that our love would last a lifetime. But I reckoned without the amazing pace of scientific advancement, making human relationships unsatisfying compared with the enhanced benefits of modern communications technology. Things that were once science fiction dreams are now true! As is Apple’s claim that the new iPad 3 “will do anything you want it to”. (Which you never would, let’s face it, although I’m not bitter). I now literally have the whole world at my fingertips. And it doesn’t nag or complain or want things I can’t afford.
So don’t treat this as bad news. Get an iPad yourself and upgrade your life. It doesn’t have to be just a man thing.
Basil Ransome-Davies
Dear Sarah
There’s no easy way to do this – she’d have an app for it if there was – but I’m leaving you for my iPad 3. Her retina display lets me see it all so clearly: how her intuitive operating system effortlessly outperforms your pre-digital fleshware, how her integral features are so much smoother than dealing with all your glitchy add-ons, like your clingy “best friend” Helen and those positively analogue parents you still seem incapable of full functionality without. Her “5-megapixel iSight camera” means no more interminable disputes, for example, about who was the blur in the background at Sam’s wedding – her hi-def video playback is going to trump your Chardonnay-sodden recall every time. She may be a machine, but at least she responds when I can’t keep my hands off her, beating your brush-offs any day. Let me be blunt; I’d rather dicker than bicker.
Adrian Fry
Honey
I picked her up, and although she’s slightly thicker, it was the retina display that hooked me. She’s so fast! It’s the definition that blows me away. I know that you have the gigs, but we’re talking 64 here, and it doesn’t feel virtual any more, you know what I mean? And I get two continuous days, even if I’m full on with the apps. And the quad-core capabilities: yeah, could have been better, but I’m hooked. I know you have the widgets but this is only the start: she gives me almost full HD capacity. It’s a bummer, really, we were doing well. You still play the music in me, but this is an indefinable plus. And I’m no geek. It’s just that emotionally I have an internal storage issue with you, doll, and I have to go with devices as well as desires. You’re still my smartphone.
Bill Greenwell
|
Linear Mode
