[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4288
By Leonora Casement
We want the listed aims, rules and guidelines for a new society that has just been set up.
Max 150 words by 22 August comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Rob Stuart]

A bit 'Two Ronnies', this. Only more puerile, if such a thing is possible.


The Soonerists Spociety meet on the first Monday of the sunth at the Mean Gran, a parming chub in the heart of the Cunt kentryside. Our daison r’être is to promote the yoarder bruce of woonerisms in the sperkplace, in scomes and in hools, fretting these gazes into the bowthes of mabes. So if you're the pipe of terson that has nothing better to do of an evening than trit around sansposing the lirst fetters of firds in a wraise, why not come and litter your frife away in the company of mike-lineds and enjoy a churile puckle about ‘A Sale of Two Titties’ by Darles Chickens or classic tairy fale ‘Beeping Sleauty’ over a pint of boaming fear.

All welcome except por feeple whose nirst fames and nursames begin with the lame setter. They can go riss up a pope.

[John Whitworth]

It's gite a quiggle. But then I am a paid shoorile and 'The Two Ronnies' always seemed to me the epitome of whining shit.

[Adrian Fry]

The Chipping Norton Society, which is absolutely free to join (although proof of a £150,000+ per annum income will be required in the form of a considerable donation to the Conservative Party) is dedicated to maintaining the traditional English life of this unique hamlet. Our members - some of whom are Honourable Members and others of whom refreshingly not - hail from all works of modern contry life; media management, government, international finance. Meeting weekly around Dave's kitchen table, Society members have a jolly time laughing together as industry, the welfare state and eventually the coalition are dismantled.

[John Whitworth]

Ah, I see you have your judge in mind, Adrian.

[Roger Slater]

Clarification of British usage, please. Am I right that "society" here just means a club or an association of people sharing a particular interest?

[Rob Stuart]

That's what I've taken it to mean, Roger, but it is a bit ambiguous.

[Graham King]

I would take it that way. If they had meant a new society in some Brave New World, Orwellian or even Scottish-communist-republic sense, I imagine they would have asked for excerpts from its manifesto or constitution instead.

[Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead]

The League of Distressed Competitor-folk offers succour to those plucky, unsung heroes of the printed media who regularly compete in periodicals such as The New Statesman largely as cannon fodder for the established giants of the field. These loyal, resolute and often talented writers can become dejected when they fail to make the cut, but they soldier on unwaveringly. Membership is open to all compers who can prove an average success rate per annum of one per title, with Hon Menshes counting as 33.3%; on qualifying, members are entitled to submit rejected works for guaranteed publication in the society’s journal Me and My Wooden Spoons. In the event of national success rate exceeding three hits per annum, membership will lapse. Regular regional social gatherings are held. Recent and memorable occasions have included the East Anglian branch’s “Basil Ransome-Davies Lookalike Evening” and the Paris branch’s lecture entitled “Qui est Nicholas Holbrook?”.

[Peter Goulding]

Indeed. Sign me up, please, Caroline.