[Simon Hunt]

THOR Drawn by a Child (revision 1)

One mighty arm extends from his neck toward
the ground, all scarred and armor-cuffed. He needs
no other, this quite strong enough to wield
his giant hammer. His legs, barely pins,
seem unlikely to support his weight,
his belly surprisingly robust,
round and fulsome in his ornately
patterned tunic, over a matching skirt.
His empty eyes are circles too, without thought, as enormous
as the horns thrusting skyward from his helmet.
No, look again. They grow from his skull as naturally
as that single limb hefts the thunder’s weight,
as easily as his terrible golden smile outshines the sun.




THOR Drawn by a Child (0riginal)

One mighty arm extends from neck toward
the ground, all scarred and armor-cuffed. He needs
no other, this quite strong enough to wield
his giant hammer. Barely pins, his legs
would seem unlikely to support his weight,
especially since the belly is surprisingly robust,
round and fulsome in its ornately
patterned tunic, over a matching skirt.
His empty eyes are circles too, without thought and as enormous
as the horns thrusting skyward from his helmet.
No, look again. They grow from his own skull
as naturally as that single limb hefts the thunder’s weight,
as easily as his terrible golden smile outshines the sun.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Simon,

Childrens' crayon drawings are so interesting. They share some similar features, the limbs so often disproportionate to the body, or as in your source's case, an arm left out because of the focus on the arm holding the big hammer, the usually unequally sized empty circles as eyes, the stick legs, or pins for legs as you say. However, despite the similarities, each drawing in a group of children will be so different. I like your idea and think the description of Thor is good. I nearly liked the ending, but I felt a little more was needed to believe that the N was experiencing a true epiphany. I think this is a really good idea to work with. Good luck with it being the best it can be.

All the best,
Jim

[Simon Hunt]

Thanks, Jim. I appreciate your giving this one a look and am glad that you found some bits to like. I'm trying to wrap my head around what you're saying about the ending, so please say more if you wish. "More" what, for example? Cheers,

--Simon

[John Riley]

I like the idea. How could I not? It’s about a child drawing and well worked. I’m not convinced by the sentence “Barely pins, …” I think the purpose of the sentence is a mock profundity but am not sure. It may be better if I was sure. Enjoyed.

[Jim Ramsey]

Originally Posted by Simon Hunt

Thanks, Jim. I appreciate your giving this one a look and am glad that you found some bits to like. I'm trying to wrap my head around what you're saying about the ending, so please say more if you wish. "More" what, for example? Cheers,

--Simon

Hi Simon,

I am changing my mind. Maybe I didn't read well enough before I suggested a change. My initial impression was that the last line was too bold in finding such an epiphany in a simple drawing, but now I am seeing all the warrior, hero, and god of Thor with that giant justice wielding hammer standing in stark contrast to that giant, friendly smile, applied without irony in all of childhood's innocence, well worthy of the N's full appreciation and description as you give it.

Jim

[Simon Hunt]

Thanks, John. I'm glad you like some of it, and I'll look at that "Barely pins..." sentence.

Thanks for coming back, Jim. Much appreciated.

[Richard G]

Hi Simon,
enjoyed the conceit.
Perhaps add the name and age of the child to the title? THOR, by X age Y.
No problem with pins/legs (though perhaps switch the order for better clarity, His legs, barely pins, ...?)
Wondered about Miöllnir instead of his giant hammer?
Get a bit lost at 9-10, are you saying that the eyes are as enormous as the horns?
I found "No, look again" intrusive, an injunction the reader cannot obey. Perhaps On second glance they ...

RG.

[Simon Hunt]

Thanks, Richard. Some good food-for-thought there! I think I will make the legs/pins change you suggest. I'm thinking about including the child's name and date. I don't actually HAVE that info right now, but this poem IS based on a real drawing and I could get those specifics without too much trouble. As to using mjolnir, am I wrong to think of that as sort of an expert's word? I wouldn't have remembered it without your mentioning it, and the child-artist wouldn't know it, being a pre-reader (do they use that word in the Marvel movies? I'll never know unless you tell me...). Yes, the eyes are as big as the horns in the picture. Not meaning to be snarky, is there some way to clarify this: "as enormous as the horns"? For now, I'm keeping, "No, look again"--while noting your finding it intrusive. I guess I think of this poem as speaker talking to himself about what he sees (while, of course, I also hope it conjures the strange and marvelous picture for a reader). Thanks again.

[Richard G]

Hi Simon.

As to using mjolnir, am I wrong to think of that as sort of an expert's word?
I think you might be (and it looks harder to pronounce than it is.)

(do they use that word in the Marvel movies? I'll never know unless you tell me...).
I'm fairly certain they would have used it in the first Thor film (wasn't there a character who was an expert in Norse mythology?)

Not meaning to be snarky,
No, no, snark away.
is there some way to clarify this: "as enormous as the horns"?
I think my issue is that its not something one might readily visualise. Perhaps adding something like 'improbably' might help the reader?
His empty eyes are circles too, without thought, improbably
large, as enormous as the horns thrusting skyward from his helmet.
or even
His empty eyes are massive circles too, without thought,
as enormous as the ...

I guess I think of this poem as speaker talking to himself about what he sees
Ah, to me it felt like the poet was talking to the reader. Perhaps 'wait a minute'?

RG.

[Matt Q]

Hi Simon,

This one grew on me. It took a me a second visit two before the ending started to work for me. Now I like it a fair bit. We start off with a comic depiction of child's drawing. But despite its artistic limitations and oddities, it still manages to embody the thunder god's power, the mythic shines through. Perhaps this is down to the child, his intentions, his invocation, perhaps it's down to the god himself. I like that I'm left to ponder this.

My points are minor, and possibly a bit on the pedantic and picky side!

his giant hammer. Barely pins, his legs
would seem unlikely to support his weight,

To me, there seems something slightly off to me about the phrasing of "would seem unlikely to". Do they seem unlikely to, or would they seem unlikely to? And if the latter, under what circumstances would they seem this way? I think the issue I’m having may be to do with the combination of "would" and "unlikely" since "would seem" is already expressing that unlikelihood. Maybe "his legs seem unlikely to support his weight"? or "his legs would seem too thin/weak to support his weight"?

especially since the belly is surprisingly robust,
round and fulsome in its ornately
patterned tunic, over a matching skirt.

Although the belly's robustness contrasts with the legs' apparent weakness, does his belly's robustness actually make it any more unlikely that this legs will support his weight? I'm thinking good core strength would probably be a benefit here, and it's the size and weight of the belly that's causing the issue. If that seems like an issue to you, you could lose "robust": "especially since his belly is surprisingly round and fulsome". Alternatively you could keep "robust" and could and lose "especially since", and leave the reader to make the connection between the thin, possibly unsupportive legs and the fulsome, round belly. Alternatively, I've just overthought this! But it did give me pause when I read it. And I wonder how easy it is to divine robustness from a child's drawing (and I note that it explicitly “is” robust, rather than just seeming it). Round and fulsome, on the other hand, are easily seen, I think.

I notice the belly has a tunic of its own. I guess being a child's drawing, his body might well consist only of a belly and have no chest. Is that the idea? Otherwise, maybe "his ornately", or "an ornately ..."?

"They grow from his own skull" -- do you need "own". With it there's maybe an implication that they might be growing from someone else's.

If this were mine, I'd look at the line-breaks/lengths at the close, where the lines get noticeably longer. Longer lines do tend to speed up the reading, and this might not be ideal at the close.

best,

Matt