[Richard G]

.


Curiosity


In the holidays she observed the cat,
hidden by the rhododendron, shrinking
amongst dry, yellowy culms of goose grass.
She noted each incremental turning
of the head away from her, golden eyes
pecked to sockets and closed with soil. She saw
how it began to snarl, and found herself
smiling at each thin-lipped revelation:
the way the loose tongue hung like a shadow
of its last breath, whiskers stiff as thistles.
She watched, but did not see the industry
of maggots, in its ruptured belly, burst
black, and winged, and hungry for the world.
September, returned to school, she wrote, This
summer I did scientific research.



.

[Simon Hunt]

I think the flies bursting forth is a stronger ending for the poem. What if the last two lines became the first two--or were deleted? Just asking...

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Richard,

Nice poem, with a few great descriptions. Simon's comment got me thinking about your structure. I'd say remove the first three lines (and maybe or maybe not include elements of lines 2 and three later on). I also think the title doesn't do it justice, as it's too bland, although I do like the connection with the idea of curiosity killed the cat.

Here's an idea of what I mean:

She noted each incremental turning
of the head away from her, golden eyes
pecked to sockets and closed with soil.

She saw how it began to snarl, and found herself
smiling at each thin-lipped revelation: [fantastic description, thin-lipped revelation]
the way the loose tongue hung like a shadow [again, great]
of its last breath, whiskers stiff as thistles. [bold = delete]

She watched, but did not see the industry
of maggots, [remove comma] in its ruptured belly,
burst[ing] black, and winged, and hungry for the world.

September, returned to school, she wrote,
This summer I [was absorbed in] scientific research.

Anyway, I hope some of this feedback helps.

All the best,

Trev

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Richard,

This is quite strong in its stark, unsettling imagery and restrained, observational tone. If I were to suggest improvements, I'd focus on enhancing clarity, tightening phrasing, and ensuring the most powerful images land with maximum impact. Here are a few areas to consider:

Curiosity
I’m not sure this title is effective enough. Maybe, ‘Extracurricular Notes’? (understated creepiness); ‘Extracurricular Probes’? (even creepier)?, etc.

In the holidays she observed the cat,
hidden by the rhododendron, shrinking
amongst dry, yellowy culms of goose grass.

“In the holidays” feels a bit detached—perhaps something like “That summer, she watched the cat” would be smoother and more engaging.
“Shrinking” might not be the most precise verb for the cat’s state. If it’s dead or dying, something like “hunched” or “stiffened” might be more evocative.

She noted each incremental turning
of the head away from her, golden eyes
pecked to sockets and closed with soil.

“Incremental turning” is a bit clinical—something like “She watched its slow retreat” might be more organic.
“Golden eyes / pecked to sockets” is strong, but breaking the line here lessens the impact. Try keeping the key image intact makes for something more viceral:
“golden eyes pecked to sockets, closed with soil.”

3. Strengthening the Revelation
The next lines develop the girl’s reaction:
She saw / how it began to snarl, and found herself
smiling at each thin-lipped revelation:

“Smiling at each thin-lipped revelation” is chilling, but “thin-lipped” might not add much here. “Smiling at each stiffening revelation” keeps the eeriness.

She watched, but did not see the industry
of maggots, in its ruptured belly, burst
black, and winged, and hungry for the world.

“Industry” is a great word choice—very detached, very scientific.
However, “burst / black, and winged” could be restructured for greater impact. Perhaps:
“She watched, but did not see / the industry of maggots / winged, black, / bursting from its ruptured belly, hungry for the world.”

September, returned to school, she wrote, This
summer I did scientific research.

This is brilliantly chilling and ends on a cold, dark note. However:
The phrasing “September, returned to school” is a bit off. Perhaps:
“In September, back at school, she wrote”—cleaner and more natural.

This is looking quite good already, Richard. Good luck with it!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Richard—

Very interesting and disturbing portrait of a psychopathic girl. I like how you reveal her pathology in stages by tracing her reactions to the cat. I wasn’t aware that the cat was dead until L6. The smile in L8 made me think that she killed the cat and hid its corpse in the bushes for leisurely study. The perfect title suggests pretty clearly that her “curiosity” killed the cat. I like, too, that I’m only about 97% certain that she killed the cat. You leave open a 3% possibility that she merely found the dead cat since we don’t actually see the cat’s death. Her cold, clinical analysis (confession?) in the last line shows her complete lack of guilt, human feeling, and compassion. She reminded me of Patty McCormack in The Bad Seed.
Nice job.

Glenn

[Phil Wood]

Good one Richard. I wondered if you need the word 'maggots', could they be deduced from the outcome?

Phil

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi everyone,

I want to highly recommend to anyone who doesn't visit the fiction board to stop by there and read Richard's last two offerings "Lump Work." and "The Package." Everyone should be able especially to appreciate "The Package."

Jim R

[Richard G]

Hi Simon, Trevor, Alex, Glen, Phil.


Simon, Trevor.
Not averse to a bit of pruning. Thanks for the suggestions.


Alex.

“In the holidays” feels a bit detached
I want detached.
—perhaps something like “That summer, she watched the cat” would be smoother and more engaging.
I finish with "This summer" so starting with "That summer" wouldn't, I think, work.
“Shrinking” might not be the most precise verb for the cat’s state.
Well, I did watch quite a few time lapse videos of animal decomposition, and 'shrinking' (due to fluid loss/tissue dehydration) seemed the best fit.

“Golden eyes / pecked to sockets” is strong, but breaking the line here lessens the impact. Try keeping the key image intact makes for something more viceral:
“golden eyes pecked to sockets, closed with soil.”
Good point, well made. Thanks. Will look at alternatives for L5 while keeping your suggested L6.

However, “burst / black, and winged” could be restructured for greater impact.
Will ponder, I'm not sure if it's clear that the 'industry' leads to the maggots metamorphosis.

“In September, back at school, she wrote”—cleaner and more natural.
I'm missing the 'gone' (that precedes 'back') might be a Brit thing, but will mull. Not sure about opening and closing with 'in' though.


Glen.

I like, too, that I’m only about 97% certain that she killed the cat
I'm not even that sure myself.

Her cold, clinical analysis (confession?)
Just a "What I did on my Summer Vacation" essay.


Phil

I wondered if you need the word 'maggots', could they be deduced from the outcome?
Don't know. But now you've got me worried that flies won't be deduced.


And not forgetting Jim, my fantastic, tireless publicist.

Thanks all.

RG