[John Whitworth]

I'm a little late in posting this. It doesn't say the thing should be a poem but it doesn't say it shouldn't. I'm not sure my take on it is quite what they want.

No. 2582: Proverbial?
You are invited to submit proverbs for the 21st century (150 words maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2582’ by 5 February or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

Proverbial?

Flash birds pleasure no losers
Flush nerds favour no boozers
Fresh gourds threaten no porkers
Fierce Kurds threaten no Ghurkas

Fey Lords lack for no toyboys
Fat broads look for no joyboys
Fresh turds flatter no pavements
Fly frauds flutter no boardrooms

Flown birds gather no mothballs
French hordes fluster no true brits
Fake furs slaughter no fox cubs
Fast foods flavour no noseholes

Fast tarts service no tosspots
Fast dudes fart in no pisspots
Fine bards scatter no wordlists
Fine words butter no parsnips

[Cally Conan-Davies]

John, your take on it should be what everybody wants!!

This is hilarious! I am crying with laughter. The last two lines are classic!

You are the proverbial goods!!

Cally

[Philip Quinlan]

John

That (as my son would say) is "the dog's [go]nads".

Brilliant

A sure fire winner (assuming there is a God)

Philip

Fresh turds flatter no pavements

Oh, joy!

[Mary Meriam]

Why should we bother trying, John? You've already completely outdone everyone. Hilarious, yet true. Painful, yet memorable. Truly 21st century. A fine set of parsnips.

[John Whitworth]

Thank you one and all. I shall certainly give it a go. But even if I am as brilliant as you say (aaaah!) there are five or six prizes. Yes, the turd line is one of my favourites.

[Philip Quinlan]

Fastidious felines piddle on no pot plants????

That would be the day!

[R. S. Gwynn]

Congrats, John! Why couldn't you work "fresh fire-coal chestnut-falls" in somewhere?

[Jim Hayes]

Are they to be proverbs of our own coinage or can we use old idioms adapted to modern times?
I ask because I imagine these above, which are all great, are your own concoction save the ultimate; fine words butter no parsnips which is fairly common, at least hereabouts. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/fine_w...er_no_parsnips

Jim

[John Whitworth]

Good question, Jim. I don't know the answer to it.

[Jim Hayes]

Well, I don't know the answer either John, but I'll have a go;

Proverbial

A flash Harry buttons no flies.
No Dubya Bush has words for the wise.

No bard in the bush has rhyme or reason.
Blind man with piss-pot has shoes he pees on.

A Man with closed mouth gathers no feet.
A miss in the bed is worth two in the street.

Hole in pocket means hand will fidget.
No elevator smells good to midget.

A timely miss is a bird in time.
When beer makes you fart, pot is sublime.

All friends in need are pains in arses.
No girl makes passes at man with small assets.

Falling skies kill no bankers.
Derivative markets are driven by wankers.

The poor pay tax and then get laid off.
The rich are skinned by Bernie Madoff