[John Whitworth]

No. 2595: Get Hitched
You are invited to submit a poem incorporating the titles of at least six Alfred Hitchcock films (16 lines). Entries to ‘Competition 2595’ by 7 May or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

Isn't it a goodie? I expect youse all to roll up your sleeves and knuckle down. I wonder where the full list of the master's films appears. Our showing in the last competition was very praiseworthy, though now the great Bill Greenwell is one of us all things are possible. His and Frank McDonald's (not yet one of us) efforts are awesome, but Frank Osen (didn't I say?) and I aren't so bad at all.

No I'm off to Bill's website to see what wonders there are manifest.

Oh, and since you ask, I'm loving it in Texas. Sam's students are bright, Sam's cooking is to die for and I've now seen many a mocking bird.

[Petra Norr]

I might give it a shot.
Here's a list of Hitchcock flicks:
http://www.mysterynet.com/hitchcock/filmography.shtml

[R. S. Gwynn]

I once was the man who knew too much
About transient vertigo.
When the birds whirled round I would stand spellbound;
My notorious balance would show.

From my high rear window I'd dangle a rope
In a frenzy and watch while it fell.
I had the suspicion that my condition
Would lead to a permanent hell.

It was bad as stage fright when I tottered around
From due east to north by northwest.
I called Dr. Mike: "Oh, I must be a psycho!"
Said Mike, "There's a simple test."

And he found the cause--no shadow of a doubt--
"You're the wrong man to suffer. Yes,
It's a touch of Meniere's in your inner ears!"
And I'm better now, I confess.


15! Count 'em.

[Roger Slater]

THE OPENING CREDITS

Beside the rear window behind a torn curtain,
Rebecca sits spellbound. Blackmail, I'm certain.
The farmer's wife, old, at the end her rope,
once young and innocent, brimming with hope,
had hitched up with Harry, the wrong man, I guess.
The trouble with Harry? He said, "I confess,"
when questioned for murder and rank sabotage,
then flew with the birds, didn't say bon voyage.
(The lodger had told him, "You're wanted for murder! Go!"
He answered, "You're psycho!" in a frenzy of vertigo,
and said, "You're my lifeboat! I'll never desert you,"
then stole her fine topaz. Goodbye, easy virtue!)


**

21! Count 'em.

[R. S. Gwynn]

Dammit, Roger!

[John Whitworth]

I'm not sure I shall attempt this. I know when I'm beat.

[Jim Hayes]

Hitched

Marnie, the Lodger in Jamaica Inn, was a Foreign Correspondent although
she was Young and Innocent, with at this Stage, Fright, crying by The Rear Window.
"I Confess", she cried to The Farmer’s Wife, as she tippled a little Champagne,
"The Trouble with Harry, a Manxman, is that we’re both Strangers on a Train".

It’s The Wrong Man who gave me The Ring, she’d realized straight away,
and she’d a Suspicion, Without a Shadow of a Doubt, he’s a Notorious roué,
he’ll Blackmail me and my Easy Virtue she sobbed in a Frenzy of grief,
I’ll Dial M for Murder and maybe a cop will help me To Catch a Thief.

“A Torn Curtain does not mean Murder” the cop said when he came,
"at Number 17 The Birds who rent there are into the Skin Game".
The Man Who Knew Too Much about them both thought them Rich and Strange;
he called one Rebecca and the other a Psycho in the Juno and the Paycock range.

Her Topaz eyes were Spellbound as the cop gave her a Lifeboat, a hope--
like a Saboteur, engaged in Sabotage, or a Secret Agent, he got a Rope
and took The 39 Steps, North by Northwest, when they jumped from the window and fled
in spite of Vertigo. The Lady Vanishes, as Mr and Mrs Smith they wed.

45!

[R. S. Gwynn]

Arrrrrgggh.

[Marion Shore]

Dearest, I wonder what on earth you meant
by coming home to Manderley at last,
with your new wife, so young and innocent.
Did you believe you could escape the past?

Murder! Rid of that wife of easy virtue!
Suspicion. Until my health report came out.
How fortunate that justice could not hurt you--
not guilty beyond the shadow of a doubt!

Enter Danvers. What a dear old treasure!
A psycho, yes, it cannot be denied.
Still I confess to many hours of pleasure
watching her turn the screws in your young bride.

How rich and strange an ending, is it not?
you, sweating in that vulgar seaside mecca,
while I lie resting in the family plot.
Isn't life funny? Your late wife, Rebecca.


Only 10. Boo-hoo

[Roger Slater]

So, Marion, you're trying to win this with quality rather than quantity? Fat chance. Jim used 40 titles, and I think he may have thrown in six or eight Fellini titles and nine chess defenses just to make the rest of us feel like pishers, so don't go shopping yet with the prize money. I don't stand a chance either, but I did gratuitously throw in the traditional directorial cameo ("hitched") so I went down fighting. I wasn't so cynical as to write a good poem, though, so I can hold my head up high.