[Gail White]

VAMPIRE AT THE RITZ-CARLTON

Desires that consumed you as you drank
increased the void inside to suit your taste.
Now the mirror cannot see your face;
you've worn it smooth, and so have made it blank.

The dead are not invisible, but blind
and leeched away till beauty turns to style,
to spellbind with the rictus of a smile --
a puppet pulling strings within its mind,

a corporate perfection in a shell.
Emptiness designed to fit a mold,
your grip is so much stronger, being cold:
if I'm compelled to say you're looking well,

you're compelled to act as if alive
and spread your death to others to survive.

[Gail White]

I love this vampire. I think he's a lobbyist, maybe an actor or some other self-absorbed celebrity. Possibly I've met him.

[Martin Rocek]

Only nits--I think it would be better without "Vampire"
in the title--the image is clear enough, but I prefer not
to be told in advance. Also, I wish that in S1, the b-rhyme could
be fixed, but I assume the poet struggled with that and couldn't
make it work.

The way every line is end-stopped is a bit jarring; I haven't
decided if that is a defect or a deliberate way of enhancing
the coldness of the piece.

Over all, a powerful sonnet.

Martin

p.s Gail, I saw an investment banker.

[Tim Murphy]

I think it's awfully good, my only reservation being that acephalic line 13 flirts with being a tetrameter. That would be easier to deal with if it weren't coming in the final couplet.

[Jayne Osborn]

I love the title, mainly because I once stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Laguna Niguel, overlooking the Pacific. It's by far the poshest hotel I've ever spent a night in - but there wasn't a vampire in sight, I'm glad to say!

If it was my poem, and because of the repetition, I'd be inclined to make the small change from 'you're' to 'you are':

if I'm compelled to say you're looking well,

you are compelled to act as if alive
and spread your death to others to survive.

Enjoyed it, though, for its originality.

Jayne

[Pedro Poitevin]

It might just be unimaginative me, but alive/survive doesn't feel like a good rhyme with which to conclude. I would abandon the oxymoron of the couplet, frankly.

Pedro.

[Tim Murphy]

Jayne, I've stayed at that hotel too. It cost $430,000 a room to build in the early 80s. I ordered a tiny glass of port after dinner, and it was $130. It was financed by a competitor, Prudential, who had to take it back and restructure it.

[Vernon Sims]

The subject is trite and it utilizes every possible cliche garnered from Anne Rice. Even if the tongue were in the cheek, this one has no bite and is tasteless.

[David Anthony]

God save us, Vernon.
I do hope there's one of yours we can slag off in such savage and uncomprehending fashion.
David

[Tim Murphy]

What David Anthony said.