[Jim Ramsey]

Toward an End

He wakes
He eats
He sleeps

He wakes
He eats
He sleeps

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Jim,

As you might have expected, I'd suggest adding more. There just isn't enough to grapple with here to get a sense of the character or the reason for writing the poem. I think loads more detail is needed. This could be an interesting character, but I have no idea from what you've presented here. It's just too sparse. What was the sense you wanted to create here - a person who is simply living out his (last) days passively?

I hope this feedback helps in some way.

Trev

[Joe Crocker]

A pithy epitome of life. All days reduce to this. All days are the same. What more could you wish for?

[Jim Ramsey]

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

Hi Jim,

As you might have expected, I'd suggest adding more. There just isn't enough to grapple with here to get a sense of the character or the reason for writing the poem. I think loads more detail is needed. This could be an interesting character, but I have no idea from what you've presented here. It's just too sparse. What was the sense you wanted to create here - a person who is simply living out his (last) days passively?

I hope this feedback helps in some way.

Trev

Hi Trevor,

Yes, I anticipated this type of legitimate response. I am among the most overly verbose of explainers I know, so this type of piece is therapeutic for me. Just as an interesting side note, I did a boolean search of this poem to see if it was a cliched expression etc. What popped up was this AI interpretation, which actually contains some of what I was thinking before I posted the poem:

AI interpretation:

The phrase "he wakes, he eats, he sleeps" is a simple, cyclical description of a basic routine. It emphasizes the fundamental actions of a life focused on basic needs. Here's a breakdown of what it conveys:BANNED POST
Meaning:
* Simplicity and Repetition: The phrase highlights a life characterized by a lack of variety or complexity. It suggests a monotonous existence with minimal engagement in anything beyond essential actions.
* Lack of Purpose or Drive: It implies a life devoid of ambition, goals, or hobbies. The individual is not engaging with the world in any meaningful way.
* Focus on Basic Survival: The actions described are the bare necessities for survival. The person is only concerned with their basic physiological needs.
* Possible Depiction of:
* Routine or Boredom: It could describe someone stuck in a very boring, predictable daily routine.
* Lack of Consciousness: The repetition of only the basic actions suggests a life lived with limited consciousness or awareness of the world.
* A Life of Deprivation: The phrase might describe a life without much opportunity or lacking in resources.
* Literally, the experience of an infant or animal: The phrase is also a simplified way to summarize the experience of a young child or pet who is concerned with little more than eating, sleeping and waking.BANNED POST
Figurative Use:
The phrase can be used as a metaphor to describe someone:
* Living a Dull Life: This phrase is often used to illustrate a life that lacks excitement or purpose.
* Not Fully Alive: It can suggest a person who is not fully engaged with life or who is merely going through the motions.
* Living Without Reflection: The description implies a life devoid of reflection, personal growth, or deeper meaning.
In Short:
The phrase "he wakes, he eats, he sleeps" is a concise way to portray a life that is simple, repetitive, and lacking in purpose or engagement. It often conveys a sense of monotony, deprivation, or lack of personal agency. The phrase is used to suggest a person living with a narrow focus on basic needs and without a more purposeful engagement with life.

I may have need to further search to ascertain originality. I may have need to elaborate. I may have need to duck my head in shame. Thanks for giving it some attention.

Jim

[Roger Slater]

I also think there's not enough here. The same theme/idea was done by Alan Dugan, who put a lot more meat on the bones. Check it out.

[Jim Ramsey]

Originally Posted by Joe Crocker

A pithy epitome of life. All days reduce to this. All days are the same. What more could you wish for?

Hi Joe,

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll...? I haven't done much serious critiquing lately and did not feel entitled to post anything more complicated than this. My list of possible titles was about five times as long as the poem. Thanks for commenting.

Jim

[Jim Ramsey]

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

I also think there's not enough here. The same theme/idea was done by Alan Dugan, who put a lot more meat on the bones. Check it out.

Hi Roger,

As of now, it is what it is, As of later, it may be what it was of was. Dugan's poem, though more elaborate, actually seems to have a narrower focus. On a sassy bluegrassy note, Dolly Parton covered Dugan's same theme in "Nine to Five." My feeling was that this would be all about the title, if it were to stay like it is. Here are some I was considering before the AI search I did (see my response to Trevor) which would be a prompt for many more possible titles:

Initial Impressions
Self-assessment
Analysis
One More Day
Going On
Being
Making Progress
Another Day
Focusing
Date with Fate
Toward an End
Destinating
Searching for the Path
Destination Unknown
Peripatetic
In the Zone
Corporeal
The Body
Purity
Truth

Thanks for giving it a look and nudge.

Jim

[Chelsea McClellan]

Hi Jim,

The idea of a pared down, bare bones poem that could express this feeling/idea is interesting. Unfortunately, I think that the "wake, eat, sleep" progression is just way too cliche to be moving. I think I'd need to read something I've never thought of before to make such a slim poem work.


Take care,
Chelsea

[Jim Moonan]

.
(What about her?)

Also, what Chelsea said. This is too easy.

Here's my own quick take:

I reflect
I reject
I reimagine

Another thought: if instead of the minimalist expression of existence, you were to elaborate on each action (waking, eating, sleeping) starting each stanza with the line "I wake / I eat / I sleep"and then proceed to make much ado about nothing, it might reflect our penchant for making meaning out of meaninglessness.

I wonder if the poem as is might be elevated simply by capitalizing every word to feign some kind of importance? Like this:

He Wakes
He Eats
He Sleeps

He Wakes
He Eats
He Sleeps


The only real reason I read poetry is to be moved. Everything else is a bonus. But as is, this doesn't move me.

There is a phrase used by announcers at hockey games: "He shoots he scores!" that came to mind as I reflected on your poem. That phrase might be an interesting dark humor epigraph to the poem. The phrase is used in general to express something that has been accomplished.
.

[Max Goodman]

I agree that the poetry here is in the title. And the current one feels strong. Waking, eating, and sleeping aren't usually done with any goal in mind, toward any end, but, of course, they do inevitably move us toward our ends, our deaths.

Would a single stanza make the point more strongly?

It wouldn't, I think, make it any less strongly. And the shorter the poem, the more likely a reader is to focus on the title. Piet Hien's Grooks come to mind as operating similarly. [Having looked at some of my favorites, I see that the Grooks probably don't give a helpful model. I'll leave the observation here, though. A brief poem whose meaning/poetry is primarily in the title feels like a genre I recognize--even if the Grooks aren't it-- and the briefer such a poem, the better/clearer.]

I don't agree that Duggan's poem has a narrower focus, or that Dolly Parton's song covers Duggan's ground. Seems to me the song focusses narrowly on one aspect of the work world while both poems explore a general meaninglessness of life.

FWIW.