[Jayne Osborn]

Nice topic, don't you think? I could live without my satnav, I suppose, but I'm very glad I don't have to...

Jayne


The Oldie Competition
by Tessa Castro

Competition no. 195 Satnavs speaking up in cars have become part of the family. So a poem please called ‘The Satnav’. Maximum 16 lines. Entries by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG) or email comps@theoldie.co.uk
to ‘Competition No. 195’ by 16th October. Don’t forget to include your postal address.

[John Whitworth]

The Satnav

Straight on. Don’t move. The satnav says straight on.
You get a move on. What the satnav says
Is what I say the satnav says. OK?.

Turn right. Stay still. The satnav says turn right.
Do what the satnav says you do. Today
What goes is what I say the satnav says.

Or rather let me put the point like this.
The satnav says what goes is what I say
The satnav says. That’s what the satnav says.

For miles and miles the satnav says proceed,
Proceed. Can this be Leeds? It must indeed.
Be Leeds. That’s what the satnav says it is.

I say I’m on a mountain top in Wales.
The satnav says I’m somewhere else. Goddam.
I am because the satnav says I am.

The satnav says it’s Leeds. It’s bloody Leeds.

[John Whitworth]

And here's another:

Air: My Old Man’s a Dustman

My daughter has my satnav and
I don’t know where I am
My daughter has my satnav and
She doesn’t give a damn
My daughter has my satnav and
I’m lost in John o’ Groats.
It’s quite devoid of people and
Full up with sheep and goats.

My daughter is an angel but
She borrows all my stuff.
My daughter is an angel but
I swear I’ve had enough.
My daughter is an angel but
She’s left me out of luck.
She took away my satnav and
She doesn’t care at all.

[Brian Allgar]

Turn left a hundred yards ahead.
No, no, not right – “Turn left”, I said,
And now I’ll have to recompute
What should have been a simple route.

It’s not the first time you’ve ignored
My orders, and I’m getting bored.
All right, let’s try it once again:
First right, then second left, and then -

Oh no! You berk, you took the third!
This trip’s becoming quite absurd.
Frankly, I’ve better things to do
Than nanny some daft sod like you.

One last attempt. Turn right … no use!
Are you stone deaf, or just obtuse?
That’s it. I’ve had it through and through,
So don’t call me. I won’t call you.

[Gail White]

I'm assuming a satnav is the equivalent of a GPS or Garmin. Last time I had one was a few years back in Italy, and the damned thing tried to send us down a flight of stone stairs -- twice. Maybe there's a poem in there somewhere.

[Nigel Mace]

That sounds like Perugia or Corinaldo!

[Douglas G. Brown]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

And here's another:

Air: My Old Man’s a Dustman

... yadda, yadda, yadda ...

She doesn’t care at all.

John,

Maybe, make this last line "She doesn't give a hoot."

(if they say that sort of thing over your way)

[Graham King]

I wonder what a satnav might say if its owner were to use it in the middle of a sizeable, recently-built bridge, the existence of which is not included in the satnav database.

The opportunity to try the experiment locally should arise when the new Forth Bridge currently under construction opens to traffic; it is due to be completed next year...

[John Whitworth]

Douglas, I feel 'give a hoot' is too close to... well, you know.

New Fprth Bridge? How many have they got there? I remember when there was just the one. And ferries. I've even got a photograph somewhere. Taken by my little brother on his Kodak Brownie.

[Roger Slater]

Originally Posted by Graham King

I wonder what a satnav might say if its owner were to use it in the middle of a sizeable, recently-built bridge, the existence of which is not included in the satnav database.

The opportunity to try the experiment locally should arise when the new Forth Bridge currently under construction opens to traffic; it is due to be completed next year...

It depends which database you use. My car's database is locked into 2007, but my phone is hooked up to Google which continuously updates and improves. The best thing about Google now is that it also monitors traffic and chooses the best route for you based on current traffic conditions, while also giving you surprisingly accurate estimates of your likely arrival time.