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Unread 04-03-2009, 02:17 PM
Alex Pepple Alex Pepple is offline
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This starts with a vivid scene that immediately draws you in. As it progresses though, it begins to feel not fully realized ... yet. There are elements that feel force, such as the poeticized abstractions "Olympian mirth" which weakens rather than enhance the imagery -- and especially, the last line is not earned, seeming to belong to a entirely different poem. One way to strengthen this would be to limit the poem to the immediacy of the volcano, limit the forced extrapolation to grand world stages. This can be achieved by paring this down to something with more focus - likely, with less than 14 lines.

Cheers,
...Alex
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