[Charlotte Innes]

Mary: thanks so much for your kind comments. I was a bit nervous posting here among all you masters of the form! I very, very rarely rhyme in my poetry. It was actually rather helpful to have the rhymes given to me on plate--for some reason! At the same time, one has to juggle too...

I agree L.9 is a little problematic--and yes, I intended an anapaest, but it does feel forced, and I will look at it later.

Also, does anyone find my last line awkward, with the extra syllable? I was trying to pack so much in, including the idea that the Fool might have killed off the King.

And yes, "sheaves" was the worst!

The title was just for fun--and in case anyone didn't know King Lear (very unlikely here, I know!).

Brian: Yes, I know, Martin has really put us to work, hasn't he?

Martin: they are SO good! Quality as well as quantity. How do you do it?!

Charlotte

[Martin Elster]

Tall

His bed is nearly big as the Great Plains,
for he’s the tallest man on Earth. Each day
humanity looks up and stares away
in wonderment, but cannot see the stains
burned on his soul, his ever-present pains
with doors and clothing. Be that as it may,
he beams. Oh, basketball? He doesn’t play.
He’d rather read a novel when it rains.

Today he walks through woods and autumn leaves,
amid the dwarfing oaks, enjoys the sun’s
caress, forgets the jillion journal sheaves
that broach his height. He stops to catch his breath
and leans against a bole. His ticker runs —
tiny, steady — yet just short of death.

[Martin Elster]

Charlotte - By the way, many thanks for the compliment! I like your T. Foyle take. Quite imaginative.

Besides those lines Mary mentioned, I think Line 13 sounds a bit crammed to my ear. But I have no good ideas on how to fix it without marring the subtlety of the line. I tend to pronounce "hired" with two syllables, so that makes the line have six beats. Or I could say it as one syllable, and then say "but he died" as an anapest. That seems to work.

I don't think either of those 3 lines are really that much of a problem metrically, though. Conforming exactly with the meter in a metronomic fashion is not what poetry is really about, is it?

Regarding titles, I know there are not needed, but I think a poem looks odd without one. Are you planning to send yours in with the title? I'm curious what folks have been doing in that regard.

Brian - I've been reading yours, too, and have been enjoying them.

Martin

[Charlotte Innes]

Martin: Thank you so much for the crits. I don't have time to work on it now. But will come back later.

As for the title, I'd like to send it in that way--they can always chop it off--unless they positively don't want one, and will chuck it in the bin unread! I know Jayne said they do publish without titles.

Jayne?? Any answers to that one?

And Martin, I can't believe you've written yet another one!!

There are SO many good ones here, I'm just sending mine in for the hell of it!

Charlotte

[Roger Slater]

Martin, I like "Tall" very much.

Possible suggestion for the last few words: "yet just short of death"

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Charlotte,

Nice to see you at D &A!
Titles definitely don't EVER get used in The Oldie comp.

Jayne

[Martin Elster]

Thanks, Roger. I like your suggestion for that last phrase. I'll put it in.

I also made a tiny tweak in lines 5 & 6: "his pains / with doors and clothing" (instead of "the pains / of doors and clothing"). I think that sounds more idiomatic. Thanks again, Roger.

[RCL]

An Altered Boy (Old School)

He carefully studies pretties, ignores the plains,
and searches for Maria every day;
pure thoughts of her can take his breath away.
From stolen sips, red altar wine now stains
his surplice, though today he’s taken pains
to look his best. It’s Virgin’s Day in May,
and spirits urge the altar boy to play.
He’s served this mass all week, despite the rains,
and vows, I‘ll make her smile before she leaves!
He holds a paten, gold like rising suns,
below each chin as Father feeds the sheaves
of high-school girls a host. With bated breath,
he strokes the paten; she winks: his mind now runs
to sins he’d sin with her until his death.