[Charlotte Innes]

Is it me, or does "Liam" sound sweeter and more interesting than "Ian?" I mean, he's not meant to be very exciting right? (Now all the Ians will clobber me...) Just a thought!

Not sure about the "though" in line 7.... filler-ish?

I feel like I'm on Met!

Charlotte

[George Simmers]

The chocolate biscuits gone, he eyes the plains
Dejectedly; must each Home Office day
Produce this sense of promise leached away?
The best has vanished; this sad knowledge stains
His life. It is the disappointment pains,
Yet he has dreams enough: Theresa May
In bondage leathers ordering him to play
Extreme and dreadful games... Outside it rains
And rains, and gutters fill with autumn leaves.
November! Month of fogs and pale white suns;
A month when hopes are harvested like sheaves,
'No chocolate,' he growls with savage breath
But fights despair; on her his fancy runs:
Theresa, whose dark eyes are fierce as death.

[John Whitworth]

George, this is delightful, quite worth getting out of bed for. May you win £25! Or even £30!

Oh God, Charlotte, all the fashionable people are calling their boys Liam. It makes them sound like terrorists or bloody folk singers.

[Martin Elster]

Originally Posted by Charlotte Innes

Is it me, or does "Liam" sound sweeter and more interesting than "Ian?" I mean, he's not meant to be very exciting right? (Now all the Ians will clobber me...) Just a thought!

Not sure about the "though" in line 7.... filler-ish?

I feel like I'm on Met!

Charlotte

Charlotte - I changed that line again just before I saw your post. "Though" is gone. This is the way it goes now:

She’d feel dismay,
despite my words, whenever I’d display
my love for nature’s might, her winds and rains.

At first I was hesitant about "I'd display" because it's a little awkward to say it, due to the double "d." But now I think it's all right, if you say it slowly. (I tried all sorts of combinations before arriving at this, but I think it finally works.)

In the meantime, I just did some more research about the name "Liam." I found out that it means (coincidentally) "will" "helmet" and "protection," which I think fits the last line perfectly.

Thanks again!

Martin

[Peter Goulding]

George, the image of Theresa May in bondage leathers is a hard one to shake.

Don't quite get "It is the disappointment pains" but maybe I'm reading it wrong.

[George Simmers]

Thanks, John and Peter.

'It is the disappointment pains' means 'It is the disappointment that hurts me'. But if this is not immediately clear, maybe I'd better rephrase. Thanks for pointing it out.

[Brian Allgar]

George, goodness knows that this thread (which must have broken some kind of record) has produced an extraordinary number of splendid pieces, but this one stands out for being hilarious. I think my favourite line is

xx'No chocolate,' he growls with savage breath

I agree that the 'disappointment' line reads a bit awkwardly. What about:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxSuch disappointment always pains,
xxYet he has dreams enough ...

[Martin Parker]

George,
If this does not win I will eat my hat as well as my Theresa May Inflatable Doll.

[Mary McLean]

Or something like:
His dreary life. The disappointment pains

Anyway, great poem George! I can't see the attraction of Theresa, but I'm with you on the chocolate biscuits.

[Roger Slater]

Darn, I don't think they'll pick two poems featuring chocolate, so there go my prospects! Oh well. Fine poem. And one which incidentally shows that "chocolate" can be scanned as one or two syllables depending on the metrical needs of the line in which it appears.