[John Whitworth]

Nice one, Jerome. No satnav I ever had has a lovely Betj voice. They all sound like Miss Whiplash.

[Brian Allgar]

Good one, Jerome. I think my own piece supplies the "torrents of abuse"!

[Ann Drysdale]

I live in a world without cars and many other "awesome apps" although I always research and try to understand them because I detest the stubborn fogeyism of "don't know, won't know".

However I have an acquaintance who often goes on about her latest technological appurtenances and although I knew perfectly well what a Satnav was, I engaged her in conversation for about twenty minutes pretending I thought she was talking about Nadsat.

The result was deliciously bezoomny; she didn't appear to notice - or care if she did, that my baboochka baddiwad was unrelated to her satnav. She didn't even sloosh, let alone pony. Horrorshow!

See? Only the well-heeled can travel on their sharries. The rookerful with insufficient bugatties are reduced to toofles and forced to gooly.

[John Whitworth]

Nice one, Ann. It occurs to me that you might enter the rock diaries thing with an entry in Nadsat. The rock star's name could be Yod Crewsy of Yod Crewsy and the Crewsy Fixers. Or there is 'The Kvadrat's Kloochy'.

[Jerome Betts]

Thanks, John. Miss Whiplash? You clearly have a more stimulating range of acquaintances in your cosmopolitan corner of the island than I do down here in its damp green trouser-leg.

Egalement, Brian. Never ask to be navigated through a complicated junction with road works but then ignore the navigator's advice. My ears are still ringing.

The topic seems to have struck a chord, so competition will be fierce and the results interesting.

[Ann Drysdale]

Alas, John - Russell Brand has cornered that market with his booky-wook.

[Erik Olson]

O All-Routing Satnav [mock Ode]
How a monk of middle age(s) views Satnav

Variation I.
O road-wise faith in Satnav's course dictation,
How dearly I answer thy violation!
No sooner I turn off the high tech-witch,
Than trade the tunnel for an Alp of switch-
Backs steep; I doctor maps to find a ditch,
Vacation in backwaters. Satellites
Insure the peak, such givens scarce excites;
Some climb by gondola, and others ice;
These lose luck-wise what those do glory-wise.
Tasks banish games, games banish tasks with dice!


Variation II.

O prudent faith in Satnav's navigation
How dearly I relish thy violation!
Their art is dull who call my own unwise,
To go a place not hand held by device.
Though trips lengthen, some in the fold chastise,
To turn sharper in mind, 'tis worth the price.

[Jayne Osborn]

The satnav was invented just for ME!
Oh, all right… maybe not, …but even so
I like to think it was; I used to be
completely crap at navigation. “Go
and learn to read a map, for heaven’s sake!’’
I was implored by all who knew me well,
as every journey I would undertake
became a trip along The Road to Hell.

I’d always reach my destination late,
distressed from getting well and truly lost.
I can’t read maps and anyway I hate
them – then I bought a satnav, and the cost
was incomparable to peace of mind,
and soon the thing became my New Best Friend.
There’s nowhere in the country I can’t find
– my cartographic nightmare's at an end!