Hello, Jim,
This is minimal and effective—evocative in its simplicity. I’m not sure “A Story” is doing enough as a title, though. You might consider something that captures more of the grit and intensity of the moment.
Also, while the repeated
as constructions in the first stanza don’t jar too much, they do begin to feel patterned. You could consider trimming, since it’s easy to streamline without losing the imagery. For instance:
The old woman’s eyes,
milky as opals, were set
in a brown face dry
and creviced as nut meat.
Nicely done, Jim!
Cheers,
…Alex
Hybrid Mode
