[Yves S L]

Version 1.10

Since you the light is brighter in my eyes,
And more and more I shut them tight to heal
Them from their own impudent rushes. Whys
And wherefores make no sense: I feel, I feel,
And feeling is enough. I hear the bee
Across the fields approach a jasmine flower.
How soft it lands! How soft you land on me!
How much can be extracted hour by hour?

It is not work; it is not even play.
I calmed to watch you hover and delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
My open flowered need. I have to know
Before you tire and and your skin says "no".


Version 1.00

Since you the light is brighter in my eyes,
And more and more I shut them tight to heal
Them from their own impudent rushes. Whys
And wherefores make no sense: I feel, I feel,
And feeling is enough. I hear the bee
Across the fields approach a jasmine flower.
How soft it lands! How soft you land on me!
How much can be extracted hour by hour?

It is not work; it is not even play.
The petals calmed to watch the bee delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
What cannot stay still sated. I must know
Before I touch you and your skin says "no".

[Chelsea McClellan]

Hello Yves,

This might just be me being dense, but you had me until the last 5 lines. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on or what was being said about it. "all that waiting weight" is nice wordplay, but I wasn't sure how we got from having already landed to "calmed to watch the bee delay."

"stay still sated" also threw me off a bit. I wonder if this might be a place for using a common word/phrase even though your wordplay / soundplay is fun.

Even though it's in the volta, "skin says no" still felt a bit too far removed, or not set up enough, for me to understand why there might be a no at all. Also, I'd be curious to find out if I'm the only one for whom the transition--from the lover and bee being the ones landing to the speaker being the one doing the touching at the end--was a bit confusing.

Overall, there is some really lovely language and play in this sonnet. And paired with some interesting ideas and questions. I just need a bit more help to follow you all the way to the end thought.

Take care,
Chelsea

[Yves S L]

Hello Chelsea,

Yeah, it is really helpful for me to see how far you could follow the poem, and I am glad you enjoyed some parts.

For now, I am using a stanza break between octet and sestet, and I will wait for more comments before making more decisive changes.

Thank you.

[Yves S L]

Here is an alternative ending I came up with while writing the poem in case the "no" ending was too much of a curveball.

It is not work; it is not even play.
The petals calmed to watch the bee delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
What cannot stay still sated. I digress
Before I touch you and your skin says "yes".