Hi Susan,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Susan McLean
I have also tried rewording L4 to make it more visual. "Limitless choice" was inspired by Red Lobster's promotion of offering "endless shrimp," which actually helped to sink the restaurant chain.
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I read the comment before the revision, and "endless shrimp" had me thinking of those "all you can eat" offers, which I do see as working well with what poem is saying -- an absence of restraint -- albeit I don't get that from the poem itself. Then I saw you revision of the Tinder line. I like "buffet" which gives the impression of picking and choosing, and more food than you can eat -- and overfilling your plate (I always do, anyway!). I think that works well and it also works with "limitless choice". I guess I still wonder a little about "limitless choice", if maybe it could be co-opted into the food/dining metaphor, or you could find a way to play off the cage metaphor (can you do something with the double meaning of "bars" -- "singles bars", "pickup bars"?), but I also think that now "limitless" choice is doing a little more work, thanks to buffet.
I'm not sure if the last line steers me any differently. I'd still find myself looking for a double meaning of "rage", since it's the repetition that has me doing that. I did get there in the end with the Thomas allusion, so maybe I was just being a bit slow.
Assuming you want to make it clearer, which you might not, I guess you could maybe you could look for an alternative to "the beginning of our end" that has some word echo of Thomas too. Something like "the dying/fading of our light" would make it very clear, though it doesn't quite say what you want it to (it would need to be "the first fading of our light" maybe, but that don't fit the metre) and the Thomas might start to overpower your poem. But maybe you could get the word "gentle" or "night" or "light" in somehow?
best,
Matt
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