[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4273
Set by Gordon Gwilliams
You were challenged to be comprehensively politically correct about any current item in the news.

This week’s winners
Well done. A few hon menshes. First to Sylvia Fairley (“Although appearing to offer somewhat less desirable facilities, the High Street thrives; McDonald’s, for instance, is still accommodating the gastronomically challenged and the sanitation engineers continue their weekly bin collections”), Chris O’Carroll (“When the Roman Catholic Church, under the leadership of its first Argentine pope, denounces thousands of American nuns for “radical feminist” ideology, it behooves the British commentator to tread carefully amid the complexities of a religious and political minefield”) and Rob Stuart (“The phallocratic establishment has always enjoyed bleating about how she never promoted a single woman to her cabinet, but Ms Thatcher was simply sparing her fellow sisters the ignominy of being part of what amounted to little more than an irrelevant forum for primitive power displays and the accumulation of personal wealth”). The three winners can have £30 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Charles Curran.

Luis Suárez’s bite
An unguarded reference by an FA official to Luis Suárez as “an animal who should be locked in a cage” has ignited debate over the supposed “ethnic profile” of Uruguayans. Police are interviewing the official and planning to question a woman in Northampton who allegedly tweeted: “they’re born cannibals, just look at his teeth lol”.
The controversy arose from Suárez’s alleged “bite” on Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic. Informed specialists insist that there is no cultural tradition in Uruguay of eating human flesh, but there does exist an informal custom of kissing “honourable adversaries” in tribute. To misrepresent this means perpetuating opprobrious racial stereotypes.
An FA statement apologising for the “animal” remark stressed that all cultural norms deserved respect and praised the “multinational melting pot” and “rainbow vibrancy” of the Premiership.
Basil Ransome-Davies

Easter Monday
Pope Francis gave the traditional Easter blessing, “Urbi et orbi”, to a large crowd in St Peter’s square and called for peace in the Middle East.
Some teaching unions expressed disappointment at his use of an extinct and elite language, and feminists objected to the publicity given to an organisation that still does not recognise complete equality in the workplace for women. Animal rights activists were said to be pleased that there was no attempt to release doves, stating that “while they are a symbol of peace, they are usually traumatised by such occasions”. A small group of ecologists displayed banners protesting the symbolic black and white smoke used to signal progress (or lack of it) during the election process: ‘It is high time that a carbon-free signal was used. All smoke contributes to global warming!’ The Middle East was unavailable to comment.
Charles Curran

Boston Marathon bombings
Two members, each masculine, of the Massachusetts community, but from a literally Caucasian family of Chechnyan origin, although born respectively in the Kalmyk Autonomous Soviet Socialist Republic and the Kyrgyz Republic, have been alleged, one of them posthumously, to have been responsible, either individually, together or as part of a larger group, for the explosion at the Boston marathon. The two were biological brothers. Both belonged to the legally recognised faith system of Islam. The elder male had applied for citizenship of the United States of America (‘United’ is an honorific referring to political association and should not be taken to be contrary to the freedom of the individual guaranteed by the constitution). The younger one has become a citizen. Newspapers and other media, including internet messages, have hypothesised that the brothers were in possession of “weapons of mass destruction”. These include a pressure cooker, household nails and ball bearings.
Bill Greenwell

[Ann Drysdale]

There you go, Bazza - what did I tell you? Congratulations all.

[John Whitworth]

Yes, congratulations all for getting wit and bite out of what I thought was most unpromising. Perhaps you could get to write the bloody magazine.

[Chris O'Carroll]

Yes, we knew in our hearts that Bazza's beach mishap was not going to cramp his winning style.

By the way, many members of the victory-proximate community regard "hon mensh" as an insensitive term.

[Rob Stuart]

Indeed, Chris. Myself, I prefer the term 'differently successful'.

[Royston Vasey]

When I hear "hon mensh" mentioned, I think 'CHICK-LIT writer and former Conservative MP Louise Mensch.'; and while we're pandering to political correctness, shouldn't "hon mensh" (or indeed "differently successful") read 'success-challenged'?

[basil ransome-davies]

Originally Posted by Chris O'Carroll

Yes, we knew in our hearts that Bazza's beach mishap was not going to cramp his winning style.

By the way, many members of the victory-proximate community regard "hon mensh" as an insensitive term.

Too soon to tell, as I did that one before the tumble. But I certainly spit on hon. menshes. Show me the money, I say, or fuggeddaboudit.

[Brian Allgar]

Originally Posted by basil ransome-davies

Too soon to tell, as I did that one before the tumble. But I certainly spit on hon. menshes. Show me the money, I say, or fuggeddaboudit.

Quite right too, Bazza. When people first told me that hon. menshes would bring me 'kudos', I assumed they were referring to some obscure Eastern European currency. Better than nothing, I thought - could come in handy for a holiday on the Black Sea. When I learnt the vile truth, I enrolled for evening classes in spitting.