[Jerome Betts]

Good one, Brian. Where indeed is that million? I look forward to the day when I pay in a PB warrant for a sum sufficiently large to wipe the pitying smile off the bank clerk's face.

As the years roll past this once sanguine life-journeyer
It's clear that your bonds are no nice little Ernier.

[Martin Parker]

Twenty-five quid will not buy me much bingery.
But the verse that came with it adds insult to injury.

[Brian Allgar]

The prize is teeny-weeny.
Delight? You're quite mistaken,
For unlike Bond's Martini,
I'm neither stirred nor shaken.

[Brian Allgar]

You call your wretched prize a warrant, but
It hardly warrants uncontrolled delight,
Like peeing – hoping for a torrent, but
Instead, it's just a tinkle in the night.

[Erik Olson]

Your “prize”: it is a warrant made to test
One's heart-rate, shy of cardiac arrest.

[Erik Olson]

Moments like this we want to share;
A plane shall spell it in the air.
Go burn it on the Moon that you
Won what? Too late it's your tattoo;
News of your pennies yield extends
Postmarked to Earths remotest ends.

[Erik Olson]

Thanks for the letter-quasi-heart-rate test:
I know I'm healthy for I did detest.
Thanks for the raw material for jest.

[Jerome Betts]

Some ingenious ripostes! Incidentally, for Erik and Charlie, Ernie (who I see has got himself into the COD) is the personification of the device for picking the winning bond numbers - Electronic Random Number Indicator Equipment.

[Gail White]

Not knowing what Premium Bonds and Ernies are, I can only admire the brilliant replies of those who do. (Now if it were prize money being cut in half, I think I could come up with something scathing.)

[Jerome Betts]

Harold Macmillan introduced them in 1956, Gail, and they cost £1 each. You can hold a maximum of £50K and cash them in at any time at the original value.

Each bond is entered in a monthly prize draw (numbers randomly generated by Ernie). You trade the interest on a normal investment for the chance of winning one of the two prizes of £1 million, 2 of £100K, 9 of £50K, 19 of £25K, 47 of £10K, 94 of £5K, 1246 of £1K and so on down to 2,092 of £25.

Someone with the maximum holding and average luck might win 23 prizes a year worth £575 at current rates if they were all of the lowest value, giving a return of 1.15 %. Not much, but more than inflation at the moment and there's always the chance of one of The Big Ones.

Anyway, 1 in 3 people here have some, including the illustrious Ann D., so . . .